attention – Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals

As a therapist, it’s not my job to tell clients what to do or not do–it’s my job to ask questions that lead clients to their own answers. However, couples therapy is a bit different in that there are things that should and should not be done if you want to have a successful relationship.

For example, the Gottmans are famous for their “Four Horsemen“, where they state, from their own research, that if you do one or more of these damaging behaviors on a regular basis, your relationship will end. Naturally the conclusion is that couples should try to avoid these strategies. No further questions are necessary!

However there is also a camp in professional circles that thinks therapists have a responsibility to advocate for their clients’ well-being, which often means being directive at times. I find this to be helpful–why would a therapist hold onto information he or she knows and force a client to find it out the hard way?

The mid-ground approach is to present a helpful directive by saying: “I have noticed that this works for a lot of people. Do you think it might work for you?” This approach both reveals the therapist bias while still preserving the clients’ autonomy and ability to choose their own solutions.

So how does my thinking on social media use in relationships play into this? Well, it is not as simple as defining it as good or bad. When evaluating its value for couples, I use the same lens I use for any of their behaviors by asking “Is it working for the relationship?” Like many things couples do, it is important to look at the purpose of that activity and whether it helps the relationship thrive or not, based on their definition of thriving. Easier said than done, so let’s look at some of the complexities with addressing this issue.

THE DRAW: Remember back when social media was presented as an easier way to stay connected with people in your life? Ah, the good ol’ days! It was not long before the creators of these platforms realized that they could monetize human nature in both its highest and lowest forms. But before that happened, social media allowed couples to give others a window into their relationship journey in a way that felt connective.

For those on the receiving end of these posts, there was a feeling of shared participation when viewing content, especially when comments could be made about what was shared. The benefit of sharing on social media was that we were able to curate not only what we shared, but what we hoped it would say about our relationships. Social media gave us more control over the narrative of our lives, as seen by others, regardless of what was happening behind closed doors.

We quickly found out that not only could we control the narrative, we could also enhance it. Editing and filters gave us the power to alter reality to our benefit, resulting in higher levels of status amongst those who followed our posts. Humans have always been status-seeking creatures, because high status elevates power, control, and opportunity.

It is well known that when we have a high status in our culture or the society we live in, we feel safer, calmer, and better about ourselves. Public approval validates the choices we are making, leading us to believe that we are “doing something right”. Sometimes that is the case, but other times it just reinforces that we are acting within approved lines. Not the worst thing we could do, but also not always the best.

The draw of sharing on social media was initially for connection with others, and that is not only valid, but also good for us and our relationships. But what exactly is real connection? Does the sharer feel more connected for sharing or does the receiver for receiving? Is knowing what somebody else is doing in life actually a connection, or does it just feel like one? I think it can be both, depending on the actions of those involved. But suffice it to say that the success of social media platforms shows us how important connection is to us as human beings.

THE COST: While having some control over how our relationship is seen by others is a draw to many couples, what happens when we have experiences with our partner that may be less appealing to others? Do we alter the truth, or simply not show it? When does the sharing shift from being an accurate representation to a scripted fantasy or a selective narrative?

Don’t get me wrong–sharing has always been selective. Back in my youth when I took photos with an actual camera, I would only put the “good ones” in the family album for others to see. This is not manipulative, it is human–we want to be seen, and see ourselves, in a good light. Nobody takes photos of the family fights!

But sharing with family members, relatives, and friends is very different than what is happening in social media today, where the sharer often feels an obligation to please their followers–there is more at stake and more at risk. And these risks can take a toll on one’s relationship, especially when risk management takes priority over relationship satisfaction.

I have worked with couples in my practice who tell me, usually in the first session, that they are a “power couple” in whatever social community they are a part of. Yet what they reveal in the room is what goes on behind the curtain–and what regularly comes up is the pressure they feel to hit a high bar of expectation for how they are perceived on social media. What was once a tool to expand their friend group and share with others becomes something restrictive–the couple serves the image they have created, rather than the image being reflective of their lives.

This can turn fun activities into work, and connection into a commodity. All is done in service of recording and sharing. The whole purpose of being together has changed from personal development to social advancement. This can change the whole purpose of a couple being together, sometimes resulting in the relationship ending. The cost is different for each couple, but often something is lost in the transition, and the question they have to ask themselves is: Was it worth it?

IF YOU MUST SHARE, SHARE THIS: If you have made it this far in the article, you might be thinking to yourself: “This guy is too old to understand how modern relationships work with social media!” You might be right, but my opinions are formed from the many hours I have worked with young couples struggling to connect in real life despite their idyllic relationship relationship image online.

Social media is here to stay, because throughout history we have always valued a way to record the stories of our lives. I am not against social media at all, nor am I for it. I see social media as simply a tool, and its value depends on how we use it, and what purpose we place upon it.

So are there ways that social media can be used to support relationship wellness? Absolutely! But rather than list the ways I find supportive, I offer a simple gauge to use that will quickly clarify what you are up to with the postings. I invite you to ask yourself:

Is this for connection or projection?

In essence this question is asking, in a Kantian way, are you treating your social media audience as an end in itself, or as a means to something else?

As mentioned earlier, when social media first appeared, it was touted as a tool for connection, and initially it served that purpose well–helping friends and relatives stay in touch with each other, supporting new friendships and group activities, helping those who felt like outsiders to find their people. But we all know what happened as time went on–its use was overtaken by our own reptilian minds, and by those who valued its earning potential. These “tools for connection” offered just enough disconnection to remove empathy and compassion from the interactions between people.

Using the question above will allow couples to pause long enough to engage with intention rather than reaction, to share rather than boast, to comment supportively rather than critically. We all thought that social media was a tool for connection. In reality, it was just a tool. The intent to connect needs to actually be intentional.

I will also say that if you have a business with your partner or spouse, and that is the primary reason you are together, then social media can work to support that vision. It’s not for me, but I have worked with couples who are together because they garner more attention as a couple than they do individually–they are in a form of relationship as business. That is a valid choice, as long as both individuals are on the same page, and again, not using each other as a means to an end.

There may be a day when our current use of social media will be seen as “quaint”, or looked at, with nostalgia, as a relic of “simpler times”. Hard to imagine, but it is possible. In the meantime, I like to remind myself that things are always changing, and as long as I remain clear on the direction I am moving in my relationship, then the “tools” that come and go won’t pull it of the road.

In the same way that you and your partner are the main drivers of your relationship, you are also the drivers of your engagement with the world. To make sure that these engagements support relationship health, just remember to ask yourself, “Will this engagement allow my relationship to thrive?” If the answer is anything other than yes, I recommend taking a good long pause to consider what is truly most important to you.

In my work as a couples therapist, I regularly help couples expand the narrative they have about what being with someone is “supposed to” look like. In this country that narrative varies, depending on the culture/religion/region, but one idea that is nearly universal is that a relationship should be romance-based.

What this means is that we should not marry our best friends; instead we should marry someone we are “in love” with, someone we want to have sex with, someone we feel romantic about. Some marriage narratives go even further and tell us that we should feel these things for only one person, and we should feel them for the length of the marriage.

This narrative is appealing to think about, but often leads to anxiety, shame, and resentment in practice, because it is way too narrow to hold the complexities that modern relationships consist of. There are few relationships that can sustain “in love” romantic feelings exactly how they felt at the beginning–most experts estimate that this stage burns out in 1-3 years max. So what happens when the temperature drops in a marriage? Well, one of the things that happens is boredom.

While it may be upsetting to think you will eventually feel bored in your relationship, I assure you that while this can be a sign of trouble, it can also be a sign that you are moving from limerence to real love.

-YOU WILL BE BORED, AND WHAT THAT MEANS: Relationships used to be necessary for our survival as a species. They served the critical purpose of providing protection, companionship, family, and someone to share responsibilities with. Those who were left alone rarely stayed alive for long.

As time went on, and societies changed, the purpose of relationships changed along with them, and the needs they provide changed as well. You might laugh to think of dating someone so that you are “protected” from marauders, but it would be perfectly reasonable to marry in order to join incomes. So what does boredom have to do with this?

Today, many people marry partners they like spending time with–we have all heard people say “I am marrying my best friend!”. The thing about best friends, though, is that historically we did not live with them. We planned fun activities to do together and then went back to our respective spaces. When we marry our best friend, we are committing to sharing a lot of time together, time that does not always involve fun shared activities.

Boredom happens when we encounter the mundane nature of everyday life together: paying bills, taking out the trash, grocery shopping, doing laundry, nursing a cold, and we start to “tune out”. These activities may be necessary, but they are hardly what we think about when we fantasize about finding a romantic partner. While we like to imagine married life as exciting, romantic, and sexy, it usually settles into the same level of mild contentment that we feel for most things that we do.

Feeling bored may in fact be a sign that you don’t have interest in your partner beyond the wild sex you had the first six months after you met, but it more often signals that we have simply “gotten used” to our partners, which is natural, but can also cause us to take them for granted.

-THE DANGER OF BOREDOM: The risk of boredom is not that it can happen (it will!), but instead how it makes us feel about our relationship, ourselves, or our partner. Feelings, I am fond of telling my clients, are good advisors, but they should not be making the decisions for us. They are real, but the information they tell us is not always accurate.

What boredom often “tells” us is that we have lost interest in our partner or the relationship–that we are no longer attracted, or that we need to get excitement from outside the relationship. If we settle on this translation of our boredom, we could unnecessarily damage or leave a relationship that has just revealed key areas of vulnerability to us.

Boredom can reveal many things, including the possibility that we are not really in the relationship anymore. Because let’s face it, if you are truly leaning into each another, the relationship will buzz. This is because relationships, when fully engaged in, show us not only our deepest vulnerabilities but also our areas of greatest strength.

While most people think of getting into a relationship as “settling down”, in reality relationships can be quite unsettling–in a good way! They show us there is much to be learned about ourselves, our partner, and who we are together. They invite us to risk ourselves with another in the hopes that our risk will be responded to with care.

If we feel bored, it is possible that something is stopping us from continuing to learn about ourselves and our partner. If we don’t look deeper into what that obstacle is, we may falsely conclude that there is nothing new to learn, leading us to leave the relationship by mistake.

The danger of boredom is that the feeling of it does not always show us the truth that lies behind.

HOW TO GET OUT OF BOREDOM AND KEEP IT FROM RETURNING: It really is time to stop thinking that relationships only need “love” to thrive, unless, like many relationship experts, you define love as a verb and not a noun. When defining love as the former, we can say what makes a relationship thrive is action, deliberate, intentional, mindful actions. So what does this have to do with getting out of boredom?

I have a theory. It is not tested, but it does come from years of observing myself and others, as well as listening to clients talk about feeling stuck or dull. My theory is that there is no such thing as boredom, really. It is a term that falsely creates a label for something that is a symptom rather than a thing in itself. Boredom does not exist because it is not something, it is the absence of something.

What is that something? Attention. When we are not paying attention to the surrounding environment and people, our brain goes on auto-pilot. In the same way that we don’t really taste what we eat when we are driving a car, it is hard to experience what we see and hear when our attention is elsewhere. Where is our attention found these days? You guessed it–our phones.

This is not bashing phones, but rather commenting on how we use them. If we stimulate our brain by watching videos or looking at pictures all day, the actual world around us can seem rather dull. My theory is that this happens not because the phone is more exciting than the outside world (sometimes it is!), but because our passive scrolling has weakened our ability to focus attention intentionally.

In relationships, this means that our partners can hardly compete with what we see online, at least on the surface. But you can train yourself to exercise your attention with your partner by going below the surface: don’t just see them in the house–notice what they are wearing, how they smell, the tone of their voice, their level of eye contact.

Have you noticed that dogs never seem to be bored of going on the same walk every day? Why do you think that is? I think it is because their senses have not been dulled by the comfortable lives they live, unlike human beings. Even though they are being led down the same route, it appears as new to them because there are new things to notice (or smell). What if we approached our lives and our relationships similarly?

When you talk to one another, really listen to what is being said before forming a response. Pay attention. Really pay attention.
Be mindful in your own life, even if there is nothing “exciting” happening. Train yourself to be curious about things that may be less stimulating.
Don’t wait for excitement to come to your relationship–plan it! You can get excited about anything from a big vacation to a new take-out restaurant.
Play together. You can play cards, you can dance, you can sing together at karaoke. Find ways to engage your sense of play.
Talk about your turn ons. This does not just have to be erotic turn ons–it can include anything that makes you feel alive.

There at dozens of lists like the one above with suggestions of how to “spice up” a marriage, but what I hope you take from mine is that it is not what you do that is important, it is the attention you pay to it. If you look at boredom as a sign that your attention has lapsed, rather than your interest for your partner, then you have an opportunity to refresh your reasons for being together in a way that makes you want to engage with one another again.

Category: attention

YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BORE YOU AT TIMES, AND THAT’S OKAY