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IS PORN OKAY?

We all have ways to “get through the day”, don’t we? But I notice that some coping behaviors are more acceptable in relationships than others. One that seems to cause problems on a regular basis is the use of pornography.

I chose to write about porn, finally, because the topic comes up almost universally at some point in couples work. Why is it such a divisive issue? Why is it often seen as a form of betrayal, or a sign that one’s attraction for their spouse has decreased or disappeared, when other individual interests don’t trigger these reactions?

Porn, like many things tied to human sexuality, can be misunderstood and simplified, but it is my opinion that the use of it represents a lot more than just “a way to get off”. Not that there is anything wrong with that! I just think that it is more likely that porn, like many coping mechanisms, is often a salve for unmet emotional needs by being an outlet for our fantasy lives.  The fantasy is just the vehicle, though, not the final destination. In other words, porn is a means, not an end in itself. 

This should be reassuring to those who see porn as a threat to their relationship’s sex life, since it suggests that porn is not actually a substitute for sex!

What needs, then, might porn be helping the viewer attend to? And why is sexual fantasy an effective way to do this? How can the threat of porn be dismantled in relationships and instead embraced and accepted as an individual or joint exercise toward relational satisfaction and individual development? How can we embrace porn viewing as a healthy means to an end? 

WHERE IT CAME FROM AND WHY: Sexual imagery has always existed, from the earliest time that humans were able to create drawings or write words. One definition of the word pornography suggests that it originally depicted, through words and drawings, the life of prostitutes. Since the many definitions are not consistent with one other, there is not just one story of its history. But most will agree that in order to be considered pornographic, the words and/or images have to be illegal or illicit, as opposed to any culturally accepted erotic material. This can get confusing, of course–as in the recent disagreement over whether the Statue of David is art or pornography. 

Some form of sexual imagery has been around forever, though the functions of such imagery have changed over time. It is for this reason that I want to focus on the purpose(s) it serves today, in modern sexuality and relationships, and what happens when it is the cause of conflict between relationship partners. 

GOOD OR BAD? RIGHT OR WRONG? IT DEPENDS: In my work with couples, I avoid using the words good, bad, right, or wrong. I do this so that I am not imposing any moral judgements on the actions of my clients. What I personally think about their actions is none of their business, unless they are a danger to themselves or another. But what they think about themselves is definitely my business, since this is often the internal conflict bringing them into my office!

In order to create a non-judgmental space where we can explore problematic behaviors and move towards understanding, compassion, and a plan for change, I focus simply on whether the behaviors are working or not working for the client. How do I do this? Well, I let them tell me! What I have found is that this determination depends on clients’ values: what is important to them and what gives their lives meaning.

There is a therapeutic saying that goes like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.” If we apply this approach to porn, then the following question will come up when it is presented as a problem: Does your porn usage have a negative impact on your health, work, finances, or relationships? A “yes” answer in any of these areas of impact lets me know that, in that area or areas, porn is not working for them, and we have to take a deeper look. 

The bottom line is that in order to do my work, I have to set aside any moral judgement and find out what matters to the clients, and what is getting in the way of them moving towards that. But if you want my personal opinion, here it is. Porn is not bad or wrong, it is instead a way to feel connected–to our sexuality, to our aliveness, to our eroticism, to sex, to ourselves, to another. It is a way to connect to the moment when our head is spinning from the workday. It is a way to connect to a fantasy world where we are not old or sick or tired. It is a way to connect to our imagination. It is all these things, and more.

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For clients who report that it does not work for them in their relationships, I have to first find out what meaning each partner assigns to it so I know what the real conflict is (porn as the vehicle, not the destination). For example, a user might be watching porn in order to connect to their own erotic life. This can happen after an illness or surgery, after giving birth, or during a period of grief or depression. They might also be using it to find out more about their sexuality or sex in general–we are often not even sure what turns us on! 

Next, I look for areas where the couple is actually fighting for the same thing—shared values obscured by conflict. This is not as hard as it sounds. Who doesn’t want to feel any one of the connections I listed two paragraphs up? Where there is conflict about porn usage, the work is about helping the couple to talk about, and understand, differences,  so they don’t feel threatened by what is not familiar to them or not what they like. 

Finally, I help them to find a compromise that involves the relationship winning rather than one individual or the other. Any successful compromise will ask that each partner be willing to give up some of what they want so that they both win. This is why I have previously written about the importance of putting the relationship first–if you don’t, then you will fight to win rather than to connect. 

A compromise like this will increase closeness because it requires that couples talk to one another to increase mutual understanding of differences, which often reveals that they are not that different after all. Though porn may not be a familiar vehicle for some, some of the needs it meets are universal to all of us. A recognition of this commonality can turn fear, judgement, and resentment into compassion, understanding, and closeness. 

HOW TO NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT PORN: If porn is a way to feel alive, sexy, desirable, and vibrant, then it is good to know that it is not the only way! In a society where sex and self-pleasure are often associated with shame and guilt, it is my opinion that porn provides a safe way to avoid the finger-pointing of others–this is why it is usually viewed in private. Porn does not have to be a private enterprise–but the use of it is not usually celebrated publicly. It may be seen as a weakness, or a guilty secret. 

But if you don’t want to be shamed for something, it helps to not engage with it shamefully! This is why I encourage couples to bring the topics of sex, sexuality, sensuality, turn-ons, and turn-offs into their discussions together. One of the great benefits of creating a relationship together is that it is an opportunity to create your own personal culture, and if you grew up in a sex-shaming community, you don’t have to carry that legacy into your own home. The irony is that when couples are willing to talk to each other about their needs, it strengthens what many call “traditional family values”: commitment, fidelity, and trust! 

So whether you use porn or not, my recommendation is that you learn how to talk to your partner about your inner erotic world. Sharing porn preferences with one another is only one way to express turn-ons, but not the only way. A skilled couples and sex therapist can help you to navigate these conversations, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to your partner: “I want to be able to talk to you about sex and desire, but I don’t know how and I feel shame even brining it up.”

Sometimes the best first step is admitting, and expressing, what is going on with you in the moment. Remember that sharing vulnerability invites shared vulnerability. This is how a relationship is nurtured. 

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I am encouraged seeing the reduction of the stigma attached to porn, due primarily to its increased availability online–no longer do magazines have to be hidden under the bed and in closets! I have hope that this accessibility motivates couples to more openly discuss topics that used to be considered private. The reason for doing so is this gives our partners valuable information about the activities, fantasies, words, and thoughts that take us out of our heads and into our bodies and pleasure centers. While our private inner world will always be a place to enjoy oneself in acts of self-pleasure, there are valid and enticing reasons today for inviting a loved one inside to join you: heightened pleasure, trust, connection, and discovery. 

Ethically produced porn itself is neither good nor bad–it depends on the meaning assigned to it. If porn is a problem for you in your relationship, start by questioning the purpose it serves you or your partner, and asking if that purpose fulfills not only the user’s needs, but also the needs of the relationship. If the answer to the latter question is “yes”, then by all means, press “PLAY”! 

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HOW DID WE GET HERE?

I was recently blown away while watching the limited HULU series Fleishman Is In Trouble. Beyond the terrific script and fantastic acting, the premise of the show appealed to me because it explored marriage. The marriages depicted in the series were not what one would call “good marriages”, though they had their positive points. They were instead quite problematic, not because the spouses were ill-matched, but because they lost track of their intention for getting married in the first place.

All of the main characters have a moment in the series where they ask themselves: “How did I get here?”, as though some unseen force has had control over the path their lives have taken. Truth is, that is how life can feel sometimes, right? We can easily be pulled into the busy-ness of our daily routines: working, raising a family, running a home; and marriages can suffer as they drop down our list of priorities.

The good news is that this is not how it has to go. But in order to avoid this outcome, each individual in a relationship has to take some action to make sure they are not going down an unintended road. In this article, I look at a few ways that can be useful in charting a course in your marriage or relationship so that you don’t one day find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”

MAKE A PLAN: If you have ever owned or run a business, it is hard to imagine doing so successfully without some sort of “mission statement”. A mission statement gives a company direction, so that they can regularly check if they are headed where they want to go–if they are up to what they want to be up to. There are many elements that can make up mission statements, but I want to focus on three that are key to not just businesses, but also interpersonal relationships: purpose, vision, and values.  

If all you did was discuss these three elements with your partner, you would still be ahead of many couples who get married only for the reason that they “are in love”. Being in love has an end date–it is designed that way because it’s purpose is to bond two people together–it is not sustainable as a long-term state of being. (For those of you who disagree with me and feel that you are still “in love” in your long-term relationship–great! I am speaking specifically about the “symbiosis” or early bonding stage.)

(For more on why the being in love stage cannot last, you can read THIS)

Shared purpose ensures that you have an intention for being together that will motivate you to put in effort; shared vision gives you a future to aspire to both as a couple and as individuals; and shared values keep you connected when struggling with differences that threaten the relationship. While these elements may not feel important in the early stages, that is precisely the time when they are essential to building a solid foundation between the two of you–a foundation that can withstand some shaking!

The Gottman Institute has a concept they call the Sound Relationship House, that suggests that the “getting to know one another” stage is where couples lay the support for difficult times. But getting to know each other has to include understanding each other’s inner worlds more than their outer interests–because this information will let you know where their triggers and sensitivities lie. Without this knowledge, couples tend to react to one another in conflict rather than respond, causing disconnection, distrust, and resentments. So build your foundation!

CHECK IN AND ADJUST AS NEEDED: Continuing with our building metaphor, nobody questions homeowners who do regular maintenance in order to keep their house standing strong. Relationships can greatly benefit from similar levels of routine assessment–just check in! Walls in a home can “settle” over time, and in a relationship, the walls that hold it together can also settle or get weak. Agreements made ten years ago don’t necessarily apply to who you are today–successful relationships make adjustments over time to better accommodate the both individuals and the relationship.

But how can couples today, who have to check in on so many things, keep their relationships the top priority? The answer is simple: be mindful. Pay attention to yourself and to each other and you stand a chance of noticing when cracks in the walls appear. Mindfulness is not just for individual well-being, it also promotes relationship well-being by using attention, gratitude, and curiosity to maintain vitality in your shared life. Time goes slower, in a good way, when we are paying attention to what is happening in the moment.  Though we can’t do this 24/7, we can have the intention to return to the moment whenever we notice that we have left it. 

For couples who work with me, I like to offer practical and realistic ways to embrace these ideas so they can turn into action. A simple way to do this, though it may take discipline to put into rotation, is to have a regularly scheduled “state of the union” talk with each other where the phones are off and you are both showing up for each other, willingly and by agreement. What do you talk about in these check-ins? Here are some suggestions:

  • start with appreciations for the “little things” you may have noticed
  • talk about current “turn-ons” and “turn-offs”, not just sexually but also life in general
  • discuss any unresolved conflicts that need to be revisited
  • share your dreams with each other
  • make a plan regarding new and upcoming stressors so they don’t throw you off track
  • share new self-discoveries with each other, both those about yourself and those you have noticed about your partner
  • review agreements that are not working well and adjust if needed
  • end with appreciation for taking this time together

I guarantee that if you regularly have these talks in your relationship, which can be done in 15-20 minutes when you got it down, you will be less likely to find yourself one day asking the question: “How did we get here?”

USE “THE GAUGE”: When you are doing routine maintenance on your car, you may notice that it “runs smoothly”, and you don’t have to feel anxious every time you drive it. While car warning systems help us out when it comes to letting us know about problems, relationships don’t come with indicator lights that tell us something needs attention. So what can we use as a gauge to make sure that our relationships run smoothly?

Painful experiences don’t always mean that something is wrong, so we need a more accurate measure of relationship health than whether we are happy or sad. I have found one gauge that works every time, as long as it is co-created and maintained by both individuals, and that is your relationship vision.

Your relationship vision is the answer to the question: “Why are you together?” Couples who exist based only on the fact that were attracted to each other may find their foundation struggling to withstand the shaking of a conflict. A vision of your life together, your purpose for marrying (if you are married), is the “mission statement” that motivates couples to work through differences and hurt feelings. So when you find yourself “not feeling yourself” in your relationship, you can ask, “Am I still moving towards our vision?”

When you regularly check in with each other, amidst the busy-ness of life and family and work, imagine you are “checking the map” on your journey  to make sure you are headed in the direction you both want to go. It’s the couples who get caught up in other things at the cost of each other who may one day find themselves asking “How did we get here?”

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A couple’s shared vision does not have to be grandiose or earth-shifting, in fact it works better if it is not, and is instead reachable, meaningful, and personal. Here are some examples of how elegant and simple a shared vision can be:

  • to raise a family
  • to make a home together
  • to become a part of a community (religious, cultural, etc.)
  • to build a stable, secure life
  • to share a creative journey

And my personal favorite:

  • to become the best versions of ourselves

People don’t end relationships because they fall out of love with one another, they end them because they don’t like who they have become–definitely not a better version of themselves! By using your shared vision as a gauge, you will  keep yourselves on track, even if that includes minor detours or side trips along the way (not every journey needs to be a straight line!).

The good news is that a shared vision can change over time, as a couple’s values change and grow. The vision is an extension of your values, which are an expression of what is most important to you–what matters.

I suggest that you do brief check-ins at least a couple times a month, and you can ask any or all of these questions:

  • How are we doing?
  • How are you doing?
  • How do we feel about our relationship?
  • Is there anything getting in our way right now?”

By committing to this act of mindfulness, you will be on the road to a life that nourishes you both and helps keep you going despite the occasional (and inevitable) potholes, so that one day you can look at each other and declare: “We know exactly how we got here!”

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ROMANCE AFTER 10+ YEARS

I’m gonna just say it–romance is not just for young lovers and new relationships! Romance, like chocolate, is something that can be enjoyed throughout the entire adult lifespan, if one continues to get enjoyment from it. But I will also say this–it is harder to feel romance for someone you see everyday over a long period of time in, well, less than romantic situations. 

This is why it can be helpful to know that it is perfectly natural for romance, something that may have come easily and spontaneously in the beginning, to require a bit of effort in a long-term relationship. There is no shame in admitting this! I am amazed at how we can accept that many things in life will take some work to maintain, but when it comes to love, romance, and sex, we are misled into thinking that they will maintain themselves. If this is the case for your relationship, then great! But if you are like most of us, you could use a few tips on how to re-light the fire, whether it is for Valentine’s Day, an anniversary, or an occasional Date Night. 

ROMANCE IS NOT BASED ON PASSION: Couples regularly come to my therapy office seeking ways to feel the passion they had for one another when they first started dating. This is understandable, because those feelings are wonderful to feel! The start of a relationship can make us feel alive, sexy, cared about, wanted, and interesting–all good things. The only problem with this stage is that it usually only lasts for 6-12 months. After that, things can start to become a bit “calmer” as we begin to navigate the intricacies of relationship development. 

The biology around this, in a nutshell, is that the early stage of excitement between two people, what we often call “passion”, is actually a process of “bonding”, where our brains release chemicals that encourage us to focus on one individual over a period of time in order to build safety and trust. You can imagine how this would be useful for the process of creating a family, which is what our biology wants us to do, but for the average person on a date, the immediate goal is often just sex. 

(If you want to geek out on the science of love, attachment, and bonding, you can read more HERE.)

Romance, on the other hand, is not based in biology, it is based in the cultural history of courtship and how we view self-fulfillment, but is continues to strongly influence our desire for a sexual partner. The trick is to separate the wheat from the chaff, as they used to say, or, in other words, knowing what is helpful and what is not. 

When I say that romance is not based on passion, I am making a distinction between how we are biologically wired to behave regarding sex and how we learn to think about it. Recognizing this difference allows partners who want more romance in their relationship to “hack the system” more effectively, using both their biology (hormones), and their perspective of each other (thinking). 

ROMANCE MAY OR MAY NOT LEAD TO SEX: Centuries ago, romance didn’t lead to sex, necessarily–it was more of a tool for increasing social status! In the 1900’s, it didn’t necessarily lead to sex either, at least not until after marriage! As societal stigma toward pre-marital sex weakened in the last half of that century, it seems that people would use romance to get sex; when I was growing up in the 1970’s and 80’s, romance was associated just as much with sex as it was with marriage.

What I notice today is that romance is nearly dead as a pathway toward sex. Today, sex is often simply the result of either a transactional agreement between partners (what can you do for me?), or the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Not very sexy, if you ask me. But many younger people don’t share my view–they see this approach as liberating–sex is given and taken freely(ideally) and with mutual consent, with pleasure as the one goal so nobody gets hurt. No muss, no fuss!

So why do couples, both new and long-term, place so much weight on the role of romance in relationship and sex when holidays like Valentine’s Day or an anniversary come around? My hunch is that these couples are wanting to feel something in their relationships that they think is missing and important to feel—romance! But romance is just the packaging, the feelings underneath are excitement and anticipation–that sense that you are important and have something to look forward to. 

If you agree with my perspective, then there is good news! Romance, rather than being an essential element of passion and attraction, is instead a label as well as a byproduct of couples who actively choose to be more present and curious with each other! As a label, you can place it on any feeling or activity you choose–romance sets a story into motion that can bring couples closer. And when couples intentionally show curiosity towards one another in a mindful way, romance is generated from the connection they feel.

What these couples do with romance is completely up to them! They can utilize it to have passionate sex together, or a cuddle-fest under a blanket in front of the fireplace, and everything in-between. Romance, when authentically created from your interest in who your partner is in the moment, is something that does not need to be forced or staged–it doesn’t require a setting or an expensive dinner. It just requires that you and your partner show up for each other. That, not romance, is what leads to loving sensual, loving sex–if you want it!

ALL THE BENEFITS, NONE OF THE DOWNFALLS! Many of us think back to the beginnings of relationships with wistful fondness, wishing we could feel that excitement yet again with our partner. But you know what else we often felt along with that excitement? Anxiety, fear, doubt, insecurity, impatience, and frustration. Yes, the beginning of a relationship can be a heady time, full of romance and sexual energy and hope, but the headiness is just not sustainable because of the elevated state it requires one’s body and mind to be in. 

That elevated state does serve a purpose in that it encourages bonding, which is an important stage in relationship building, but it is only the first stage. It eventually shifts into something calmer, more secure (hopefully). But this does not mean that you have to give up romance, especially if you both value it and the role it plays in your dynamic . It just means you may have to put a bit of effort into feeling it.

This is good news. It means that you have some control, and choice, in what your relationship feels like over time. But wait! There is more good news! When you succeed in generating romance, you may be pleasantly surprised to find it missing the negative elements listed above, because the calm, secure energy is maintained. You get all of the benefits, with none of the downfalls! And this is when couples can truly thrive together, in a state of safe risk, calm excitement, and playful creativity. 

And it doesn’t ever have to end if you are both committed to it.

So if you want to choose it with your partner, then be willing to take some risks with them–because that vulnerability is very sexy (it’s what we fall in love with!) Bring back favorite activities or explore new ones–it is the shared experience that you are going for–romance comes from a place of discovery. You don’t have to feel it immediately, just trust the process and be present, and let the connection come from that. Romance is created out of the way we think about our partner, which then affects how we feel about them. There is nothing wrong with needing a nice setting and good lighting to change our perspective! 

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What I find exciting about being a couples therapist today is that relationship, marriage, and sex are being pulled apart and re-imagined in ways that better serve all partners, both as individual and as community members. By making relationships something you choose rather than an obligation, you invite choice to be a key player throughout your time together. Romance can be expressed in as many ways as one can imagine, both in words and in actions–I leave it up to you and your preferences to come up with juicy possibilities. So if you value the energy that romance brings to the table, then I say choose it!–together, and show the young lovers what they have to look forward to. 

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REBOOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP DURING THE HOLIDAYS

The Fall and Winter holidays mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For some, the celebrations overtake the entire latter part of the year, while for others the seasons are little more than a nuisance to avoid.  Then there those who fall everywhere in between! Whichever category you identify with, these are times of the year when all the holiday noise can make it easier to nudge aside things that are important to us the rest of the year: healthy eating habits, exercise, spending budgets, alcohol consumption limits, work obligations.

Mind you, these things are often set aside to make room for wonderful alternatives: time with friends and family, delicious meals, seasonal activities, and shopping for loved ones. But all this diverted focus can take a toll not only on our health and finances, but also on our relationships–not intentionally, of course–but as a side effect of having our limited attention and energy given elsewhere.

While I am not going to address health or finances in this article, I do want to explore how there does not have to be a toll on your relationship–as long as you agree to attend to a few things that give you a better chance of staying connected and coming out of the season stronger and closer as a couple. Let’s take a look at what these are.

HARNESSING GRATITUDE: It can be cliché and simplistic to list gratitude as a tool for re-booting relationships, because the experts tend to shout the value of it from the rooftops. But there is a reason they do so–expressions of gratitude return just as much, if not more, to the giver as the receiver. What exactly does gratitude do for a relationship?

We all want to feel acknowledged for the things we do for people we care about, and studies have shown that acknowledgement reinforces the behavior it is celebrating. Conversely, lack of acknowledgement often leads to the eventual extinguishing of a behavior–nobody likes to continue doing something that does not get noticed.

I list the harnessing of gratitude first in this article because it is the easiest action to reboot! All it requires is a shift in focus from what is not working in your relationship to what is working. This shift must be intentional and conscious, since our brains have a natural bias for suspicion and are wired to scan the environment more for threats than non-threats.  But when done well and often, gratitude can build closeness and soften upsets when they happen. It lets the receiver know that they are appreciated, important, and noticed. And for the giver, it not only feels good and wires your brain to see your partner as an ally instead of an enemy, it can improve your health and well-being!

If you can harness gratitude and direct it toward your partner(s), your relationship will feel refreshed and more fulfilling, and the holidays are a perfect time to practice this since the season can be stressful for couples.

INTENTIONAL WISHES: Have you ever gotten in the car and started driving without knowing where you are going? Or worse, gotten into the car with your partner and start driving only to realize that you have completely different destinations in mind? If the latter sounds ridiculous, you may be surprised to know that this is exactly how many couples start off a relationship or marriage. They get in the relationship car together not even knowing it they are going in the same direction.

Very often, the only example of a couple being intentional with one another is when they agree to be “exclusive” sexually, start a relationship together, or recite wedding vows. But this is not enough to last a lifetime.

When a couple first comes in to see me for help with their relationship, I will ask up front what is the purpose of them being together? The answer I usually get is “We love each other”, to which I respond, “Great, but that is not enough.” Can you imagine setting up a business without choosing a mission statement? The mission statement, once decided upon, reminds the owners of what they are up to financially, ethically, and relationally. They can use it to keep on track and guide their decisions. Why not do the same as a couple?

Having intentional wishes with your partner gives a couple a better chance to work together as a team, not only when the sailing is smooth, but most importantly when it is not. During conflict, it is essential to recognize that “the problem” has disconnected you from each other, and it is your intentional shared wishes (remembering your Mission Statement)  that will guide your words and actions in the moment towards re-connection. How can you expect to get back on track if you don’t know where you were headed?

The main points to remember are that intentional wishes are decided upon between both of you, they are stated outright, and that they are shared. This does not mean that they cannot change in the future, in the same way that we sometimes change direction in our car when our destination changes. Here are some examples of shared intentional wishes:

  • we want to have a family together
  • we want to buy a home
  • we want to have a satisfying and regular sex life together
  • we want the relationship to be a shared refuge from outside stressors
  • we are committed to supporting each other being their best selves
  • we want our relationship to be a place where we can be honest and open with one another

The list is only as limited as the imagination!

Love will get you through the good times, but without having and intentional wish for your relationship, it is likely that you will lose your direction during conflict.

REMEMBER WHAT WORKS, AND DO MORE OF IT: It is easy to forget what you are doing that works when struggling with conflict. Saying that, if a couple is still together, it is likely that more of the relationship works than doesn’t work. This is why it is so important to lean on those positive interactions and behaviors because they can “cushion the blow” of the current conflict.

These positive interactions can go unnoticed–they are what the Gottmans call Small Things Often, because they are frequently quiet expressions of affection, gratitude, acknowledgement, or support. They don’t have to be grand gestures. They are the day-to-day responses that let the other know that they are heard and cared about–they are the reminders that we want to be in the relationship.

(Go HERE to read some examples of Small Things Often.)

Beyond that, I encourage couples to remember things that worked for them at the beginning of their relationship–things that get left in the dust of growing careers, children, bills, and taking one another for granted. Did you used to kiss each other good morning every day? Start doing it again! Get up at different times of the morning? Commit to sending each other a “kiss” emoji instead. Be creative about it, and it is okay to make it playful and fun (not a chore or obligation!).

The benefit of finding a way to commit to and strengthen these actions is that they become part of a purposeful plan to protect the relationship. Couples who put the relationship first will view a problem as something that is between them, trying to break them apart, as opposed to an issue isolated within one or the other individual that needs to be fixed or changed.

It just makes sense when you think about it. If you were in trouble in an unfamiliar location, the first thing you would do is gather up what you “have at hand” that could be used to get you back to safety. I advise you to do the same in your relationship, with the exception that you don’t wait until you are in trouble to identify and use your resources. Using them regularly and consistently will keep the engine of your relationship running smoothly so it can take you both where you need to go, together, when the going gets tough.

You know, like during the holidays!

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WHY YOU SHOULD EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO BETRAY YOU

The longer I do therapy with couples, the more I am shocked at the many myths we are told about how relationship and marriage works. The shock comes from my realization that most of what we were told is not true and merely sets up unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment and disillusionment. 

While this may come across as bad news, I assure you that it is not! Realizing that we have received misinformation allows us to start anew and seek out more reliable sources. It also invites us to become creators of our own rules and agreements, respecting the fact that every relationship is unique in its own way, and there cannot be just one set of agreements for everyone. 

In this article, I will focus on one bit of information that can be hard to swallow for most couples–the reality that your partner will betray you. But before you throw in the towel and stop reading, allow me to explain why this is not necessarily a terrible thing.

WHAT IS BETRAYAL? It is important to define terms if we are going to explore betrayal as a behavior to expect. Although there are many definitions, when betrayal happens in a relationship I describe it as “words or behaviors that break the shared relationship agreements”. These agreements should be stated explicitly and reviewed regularly, but sadly, most agreements in relationship are assumed or implied, and that is one of the problems that can lead to a betrayal. 

Most people are familiar with the “big” betrayals that can happen between two people, such as infidelity (which I will talk about later), but less so with smaller, everyday betrayals that happen right under our noses. What are some examples of these small betrayals? 

  • looking at your phone when your partner is talking to/with you
  • telling a close friend something negative about your partner that you would not tell them to their face
  • intentionally lying to your partner to avoid taking responsibility for something
  • not doing what you have promised your partner you would do

What are not examples of betrayal?

  • fantasizing about a favorite movie star while having sex with your partner
  • wanting to do something by yourself sometimes rather than a shared activity
  • talking to a therapist about doubts, fears, and resentments that you have in your relationship
  • wanting to have sex with someone else (but not doing it)

If you recognized any of the examples in the top list, I want to assure you that this does not make you a bad partner, it simply makes you a human one. 

***

Way back in the 1990’s I attended a seminar where the speaker said to the audience: “We are all cheaters, liars, and thieves.” After a dramatic pause to allow the statement to sink in, she then clarified with an example: “Who here among us has never stolen a moment of someone’s time?”

The point she was making is similar to the point I want to make about betrayal–we all do it! John Gottman tells us that at any given time, we are either leaning into the relationship or out of it. But just because we momentarily turn away from the shared agreements of the relationship, this does not automatically mean we value the relationship less–instead it suggests that something in the moment is pulling us more than the relationship. In other words, everything is information! And the information you might be getting by your behavior could mean that:

  • you may be lagging in attending to your individual needs, OR you are just attending to your individual needs (which is normal!)
  • some of the shared agreements between you and your partner are overdue for a review, as they many not serve who you both are now
  • you have underlying negative beliefs about yourself and/or others that become roadblocks to your best intentions
  • nothing is wrong, you are simply being human!

How do we know if our “little betrayal” is good or bad? I suggest asking yourself what the purpose of your actions is–this will reveal your motivation. Ask: “What is the purpose of saying or doing this?”

WHAT ABOUT INFIDELITY? The most common betrayal I see in my couples clients is the “big one”: infidelity. While infidelity is often thought of as cheating, it is not always cheating! Cheating, in my book, has to include the intention to deceive, as I wrote previously in this article. The bottom line is that cheating and infidelity are not always the same thing.

While an infidelity (whether it is one time only or an ongoing affair) can certainly be a betrayal, I have noticed that it is more a betrayal of one’s own value system, rather than of their partner. As painful as this may feel, it can be unnecessary and unwise to end the relationship over it. Most of the time the betrayer has not stopped loving  or wanting sex from their partner, but they may have stopped loving themselves in the relationship. Having sex with a new person can reset our own experience of ourselves very quickly in a positive way, at least until we are found out. 

Couples therapy is strongly suggested in these instances so that the couple does not make rash decisions they may regret later. Esther Perel has observed in her work that the couples who do the work to move past an infidelity will report having a closer, better relationship, because they are now talking about things they were not talking about. I would add that when as a couple recovers from infidelity, they can increase the healthy differentiation between them, as ruptures of this magnitude often shake up our romantic illusions about love and allow us to move closer into Real Love. 

Real Love is a state that allows for two people to become “one” while at the same time remaining “two”.  

The statement above describes moving in and out of the states of closeness without rupture of fear of abandonment or envelopment. The relationship needs come before all, and both individuals thrive as long as they regularly review the needs and agreements of both the relationship and themselves as individuals. 

(Read my previous article on “Putting Relationship Needs First”)

Infidelity, in the form of actual sex outside of a couple’s agreements, is best seen as an alarm bell rather than an evacuation order. By heeding that alarm, two people can often become closer as a couple and more developed as individuals. While this does not suggest a relationship needs infidelity to move onto higher ground, it does let couples know that bad news can become good news if the emotional connection is still alive and the relationship is valued. One infidelity does not automatically mean that you don’t value the relationship! 

WHAT DO VALUES HAVE TO DO WITH IT? Speaking of values, it is becoming more and more clear to me that if you don’t know what drives you in life, you probably won’t get anywhere. Values are the drivers because they give us direction in life, and having direction is one way that we can regularly check if we are “betraying” our partners as well as ourselves. Dr. Nikki Rubin explains, in this article about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), that:

“Most times when we are experiencing pain or discomfort, we believe that we must rid ourselves of it before we begin to build the life we want for ourselves. Sadly, we then end up spending our time trying to fix our pain without attending to what gives us meaning, fulfillment, or contentment.”

Part of this acceptance requires the patient to identify their values. Then they can “learn to take steps to engage in behaviors that are aligned with our values—even when we are experiencing pain or discomfort.”

In this sense, betrayal is another word for moving in the opposite direction of your values, which is one way that we attempt to rid ourselves or pain or discomfort. Words and actions, if they go against your relationship values, are most often exactly this: a way to avoid the pain and discomfort of addressing changes in relationship and issues with one’s partner. 

If you notice a betrayal in your relationship, it may be a sign that agreements and/or shared values decided upon in the past may not be working for one or both of you now. Those who choose to end a relationship because of one betrayal may be avoiding an opportunity to grow closer together, build a more realistic sense of trust, experience more appreciation for their time together, and have enriched individual lives. 

While there are betrayals so severe that they are in essence “deal-breakers”, that is not usually the case. Most couples don’t need to break up. A regular discussion about individual and shared values in your relationship can go a long way toward preventing betrayal ruptures that are irreparable. 

***

It can be hard to re-wire the way our brains think about love, sex, and relationship, especially if what we were taught about them made them seem easy to succeed in. But one can either hang on to ways of thinking that are familiar but no longer work, or they can “widen” their thinking so that it is helpful to who they currently are in life and relationship.

Maybe relationships are not as black or white as we were led to believe–maybe they thrive when a couple sits in the grey, the areas in-between, where real life resides. A place where betrayal is both more and less than we think it is. Is your relationship worth this exploration? 

 

 

 

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PUTTING RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST

As a couples therapist, I tend to think a lot about why relationships have problems. Why do we struggle so with the one person we love the most? It doesn’t help that the very way we, as a culture, participate in relationships changes over time. Relationships do not serve the exact same purpose that they served in 1950. Or 1960 or 1980. And yet people often go into relationship as if nothing has changed.

What is the outcome of this? From what I have observed, relationships suffer. And when relationships suffer, so do the individuals who are in the relationships.

There must be a way out of this! Fortunately, there is, though it can be difficult to act on. Before we get into the way out, let’s first look at what has changed, and why these changes are not necessarily bad news.

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE, AND THAT IS NOT A BAD THING: They say that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. What? Isn’t a relationship supposed to take you away from pain and suffering and give you peace and happiness “until death do we part”? Well, it all depends on what stories you were told about relationships and marriage, but if you are like most of us, very few of the stories we are told actually do us any good when it comes to actually being in a relationship. Where do we get these stories from?

Up until the late 60’s or so, the purpose of marriage was fairly clear-cut in society: to settle down and raise a family with someone you love. However, this was a change from what came before it. Earlier versions of marriage prioritized the protection of property or the strengthening of a family name over settling down or falling in love. Couples raised families to pass on the family name and property, if there was any, and they often married because that was the best way to survive life. Couples had kids so there were extra working hands, even if there was no property to hand down.

Today, though those templates continue to exist in the world, they have been largely superseded by the needs of “modern” couples. Those needs are a combination of needs from the past, as well as current expectations, which can vary from couple to couple. To put it bluntly, marriage and relationship has changed more than most of us want to admit, and they continue to evolve as I write this.

So what are the needs of modern couples? And why should they come before the needs of the individuals? Who gets to decide what these relationship needs are, and how they will be met? And what happens when they are neglected or de-prioritized?

Well, what happens is these couples often end up in my office , wondering how to get their relationship “back on track”. But before we can even start doing that, I have to first find out what their track even looks like. You know what? They often don’t know themselves.

WHY SHOULD YOU PUT THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST? When couples get together, they often imagine a relationship based on either what is familiar from their own family, or from what they have seen in the outside world or in the media. While there is nothing wrong with this frame of reference, it is often not “thick enough” to hold all the complexities that show up in the actual relationship.

When the relationship we have no longer matches the relationship we imagined, it becomes less of a safe place and more of a threat. What we know about the brain when it senses a threat is that it focuses attention on how to protect the homeland–in other words, we care more about our own well-being than another’s. We take care of our individual needs and abandon the needs of our partner and the relationship. We do this to survive.

While this strategy works fine if we are facing an actual threat, it works against us when the “threat” is our partner being upset about something we did or said. Abandoning the relationship to focus on our needs gives our partner the message that we will not be there for them when the going gets tough, which in turn reinforces the relationship not being a safe place.  Just think about it–if the captain of the ship abandons the ship, not only is the ship doomed, but so are all the passengers!

So what to do? I suggest leaning into the relationship. This is not the same thing as agreeing with your partner’s accusations of allowing yourself to be abused. Instead it means that you remember that when one of you is in trouble, both of you are in trouble, and both of you are required to return the relationship to safety.

This is not my idea. I heard about it from Stan Tatkin, the renowned author and couples therapist up in Agoura Hills, CA. I took a workshop where he talked about how the needs of the relationship must always come first, before the needs of the individual. By making this commitment and choice, a couple can more successfully navigate disagreements and conflicts, because they will recognize that when the relationship (both of them) does well, each of them (as individuals) also do well.

There is a saying that when the relationship wins, both partners win, but when one individual wins and the other loses, everybody loses. This is because when you go for the individual need over the relationship need, it is the same as cutting off your nose to spite your face! You are one half of the relationship, so why would you abandon part of yourself? If one part of you is hurting, don’t you attend to it?

Couples who prioritize the relationship needs over individual needs experience more connection and safety in their relationships. So let’s explore how to actually do this in your relationship when push comes to shove.

HOW TO DO THIS SUCCESSFULLY: First and foremost, don’t wait until push comes to shove! Although it is possible for a couple to come back from a severe breach in trust or connection, it can be more difficult for those who do not have a strong shared foundation in their relationship. What does this foundation look like?

John Gottman’s work over the last several decades has highlighted the importance for couples to act as a team. This does not mean giving up your individuality–on the contrary–being part of a secure team often helps one to thrive in their individual lives. Gottman calls the process of creating a relationship team the Sound Relationship House, where the first floor is about getting to know your partner’s inner world.

When a couple has a strong first floor of their Relationship House, they can move up floors in order to create shared meaning and explore each others’ dreams.

But individual dreams are not the only dreams that need to be attended to. Successful couples work to build shared dreams and shared purpose. Dr. Stan Tatkin writes and talks about this in his work, as I wrote earlier. In order to do this, couples need to actually come up with shared dreams and purpose, because they don’t create themselves, unless you part of a community that gives them to you!

In my therapy office, when couples tell me that they want to build a stronger relationship, I will sometimes reply provocatively by asking, “Why?” The goal of that question is to find out what is the “purpose” of them being together.  Couples get together mostly because of mutual attraction initially, but beyond sex, what is the reason for creating a relationship with this person?

Shared dreams and purpose come from a couples shared values–what is important to you? Some of these things are non-negotiable, and some are negotiable, but when committed to together, they create a shared dream that is worth fighting for. This dream is what will influence couples to resist the pull to criticize, withdraw, shutdown, or attack when conflict arises. This dream will be the motivation to strengthen your connection to one another.

A shared dream comes with needs to keep it alive, and when these needs come first, there is a better chance that in any conflict, the relationship will win rather than one individual or the  other.

***

Sometimes it can feel like being in a relationship involves too much to keep track of. But the good news is that when you make a habit of keeping track of it, it becomes the air you breathe. The effort you put in is a conscious choice, but it begins to feel natural and vital, especially when you reap the benefits of these efforts.

Putting the needs of the relationship first ensures that you have a partner working with you to protect and nurture the relationship–you are not a lone ranger. As you both work to support and prioritize the relationship, you may find that the relationship in turn supports you in your individual development. Having something bigger than you–the two of you–gives you something to defend without turning against your partner. When you put the relationship needs first, you will both be fighting for the relationship, yourself, and each other. It is a win-win!

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THREE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES WITH COUPLES THERAPY

Premium Photo | Choosing a path. the junction, three forest roads converge into one.

My last article was about how relationships are the hardest thing you will ever do, and I outlined some of the main reasons for this. In this article I want to present the ways couples therapy can help with these difficulties by discussing three possible outcomes of the work. I hope this exploration will demystify some of the “mystery”, helping readers to understand that the success of couples therapy has more to do with the couple seeking it than the therapist administering it. This is not an attempt to make a couple responsible for any failure of couples therapy, but rather to emphasize their role in its success–to up their skin in game, so to speak. 

There was a time when couples therapy was seen as the last resort for a broken marriage. Today, there continues to be more of a stigma toward couples work than individual work. Fortunately, that perception is changing over time, with many couples now seeking assistance at the beginning of their relationships, as a way to avoid issues down the road. 

However, there continue to be misconceptions about what couples therapy can actually do. What it can’t do is: 

  • “fix” your relationship
  • decide for you if you should stay together or break up (though it may help you to make a decision about this)
  • improve the sex (or re-start it) in your relationship if neither partner is willing to make some changes

Simply put, the work of a couples therapist is to help couples have difficult conversations. The main difficult conversations that couples struggle to have often concern sex, money, parenting, and respect. These conversations can be difficult to have because having them requires that we set aside defensiveness and criticism, and examine what we are willing to “give up” so that the relationship, not the individual, can “win”. This can be very challenging if a couple have opposing values in these areas, but it is not impossible! 

So let’s look at what can happen when a couple comes into therapy for help with their difficult conversations. What are the possible outcomes?

NOTHING CHANGES: Let’s start with the bad news. Simply put, change requires an action, not just an intention. Many couples truly want their relationships to improve, but then find themselves running into obstacles when they try to change their behavior. Those obstacles can come from inside or outside the individuals in a relationship, and can be so discouraging that the process is stopped before it even gets going. 

However, not all is lost when obstacles show up. They can be a sign that something is moving. Obstacles are often negative beliefs that individuals have carried for years, which they have brought into the relationship with them. Negative beliefs are shameful ways of thinking about ourselves that are either handed to us by others, institutions, or culture, or conclusions that we make about ourselves based on how the world responds to us. We are not always aware of them until they show up in relationships or when we are trying to embrace change. 

Regardless of why we resist action, without it nothing will change. This is why I want to be sure that a couple is willing to take action before working with them in therapy, because without that willingness, they will be disappointed by the lack of results and take that as a sign the relationship is hopeless and should end. 

BREAK-UP OR DIVORCE: While this is an option that many choose without coming into couple therapy, it is still an option even while working together with a therapist on your relationship. However, couples who choose to break-up or divorce after a course of couples therapy are more likely to be doing so for the right reasons, whereas most other couples end their relationships by mistake. 

There are two primary reasons that a couple will break-up in the course of doing couples therapy:

  1. They realize that they no longer (or perhaps never did) have shared values/goals/relationship dreams, making them a poor fit who would be better served moving on from one another.
  2. They find out that there is no longer any relationship to save.

As their therapist, I never make this decision for them–but I may ask questions about what I observe in the room. It is up to the couple do decide whether they want to stay together or not. One thing I always tell them is a phrase I got from my mentor, Dr. Walter Brakelmanns, who would tell couples “I will fight for your relationship until you give me a good reason not to.” 

Many couples break-up because of “incompatibility”. I am here to tell you that this concept is a myth! Incompatibility suggests that differences in interests divide couples, and yet the reality is that many couples have long and happy marriages while having wildly dissimilar interests. Rather, it is a wide difference in values that can signal a mismatch. 

Values signify what is important to us, and some examples are: having a family, living near parents, honesty, mutual respect, spirituality, loyalty, trustworthiness. We usually have 3-5 non-flexible values, but even those are subject to change over time, so finding someone whose values match yours is no guarantee for the long run, but it can’t hurt! Values conversations are just one more way of showing interest in your partner’s inner world, and how it may change over time. 

Though relationships work best when they share key values, it is not an automatic deal-breaker with they don’t. It all comes down to respect–and the willingness to be curious about each other rather than judgmental or critical. Values can change over time, but that does not mean that a relationship has to end–it can change too. 

***

The second reason that couples might break-up in couples therapy is because they come to realize that the relationship is already dead. What lets us know this? Lack of interest. 

When I notice that one partner is sharing a painful emotion or event, and I see a lack of empathic response from the other partner, I start to worry about the relationship. Lack of response can show up for many reasons, but if it is happening because the person no longer cares about how their partner is suffering, then the relationship has lost its emotional connection. There is no relationship for me to save. This happens not because one partner is a cold, uncaring person, but because they no longer care about their partner’s inner life. This can happen for a number of reasons, and often happens over a period of time. 

This will present as a couple who come in because the relationship is still alive for one, but not for the other. This can be very painful, but it is even more painful to stay in with someone who no longer has interest in you. I think it is easier to survive a break-up than a bad marriage. These couples can still do work in couples therapy, but the focus shifts from connecting them to problem-solving–what do they need to figure out in order to move on from one another?

What makes a relationship lose its connection? Well, the main causes I see are unresolved resentments that have turned into contempt, breaches of trust that are seen as “unforgivable”, lack of mutual respect and understanding, and certainly undiagnosed mental illness, domestic violence, or substance abuse. The loss can occur over a long period of time or in response to a specific breach, but it is up to each individual to choose to work toward reconnection, otherwise the relationship will start to disconnect and die. 

Couples therapy can help couples to set aside blame and reflect on the role they each had in their relationship getting to this place, while also helping to create new understanding about each other’s actions, leading to greater understanding. This understanding it the beginning of empathy, rebuilt trust, and reconnection. 

DO THE WORK: To round out our exploration of the three outcomes of couples therapy, let’s look at the optimal outcome–doing the work! The reality is that this option is really the only thing that brings about change in a couples relationship. It does not matter how brilliant or skilled the therapist is, if the couple does not take the work home and into their interactions, nothing will change. 

So what is the work? Well, in my office I first get the couples’ agreement that I can do my job–which is to guide them to having more successful difficult conversations. Sometimes that means that I need to interrupt what they are trying to say–and that can be a challenge for some. The work in this instant is for the client to regulate themselves and “set aside” whatever feelings are coming up for them in the moment. This is harder than it sounds! But without this willingness, the conversation will be derailed and nothing will change. 

Secondly, the couple has to change what they are doing at home. This can entail a whole list of things, or perhaps just a couple adjustments, but without some action towards practicing the skills at home, again, nothing will change. Couples don’t have to turn the  whole house upside down–John Gottman says that it is more important that we do “small things often” as a way to keep the engine of relationship connection running on idle, rather than having to restart it each time we need to communicate. 

Another action that can help a great deal is when the individuals pursue their own work with an individual therapist. As we reveal the vulnerabilities that each partner brought into the relationship, it is up to each partner to attend to these rather than holding the other responsible for “fixing” them. Individual therapy can be a great adjunct to couples work so that in the couples session, the focus can be on the relationship instead of the individual. 

I get some pushback from couples when I tell them that there is work involved in having a healthy relationship. I can understand why. We are raised to believe that love does not take work–that it is some sort of magic glue that sustains itself, and that is absolutely not true unless you are speaking of the love a parent has for a child. Real love take effort to sustain, because it is effort that indicates caring and interest in another, not passivity. Real love is a verb, not a noun! It is caring in action. And when couples embrace that framing of effort, they see it as a romantic gesture rather than an obligation or duty. 

The bottom line is that it works. So do the work!

***

Anytime a person wants to improve or change their life, some action and effort is required, even if that action or effort is to do less. And for those who do not know what actions to take, it is considered wise to seek out an expert for guidance and support. This is what a couples therapist can offer, but a good therapist will also assess whether or not a couple is ready and willing to do the work, in the same way a personal trainer will evaluate your commitment to an exercise program. 

Therapists can guide your progress, but the couple has to start the engine, and this is why I present these three choices to every couple that comes into my office–I want to invite them to work as hard as I will to improve their relationship. 

Which choice will you choose? 

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WHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO (AND WHY THEY’RE WORTH IT!)

Have you ever spoken with someone who has just given birth? Often, you will hear them swear that they will never get pregnant again. But the reality is that most do repeat the experience–more than just once! Perhaps one reason for this is that the pain and suffering of giving birth and having an infant are temporary, with rewards that may increase as time goes on. We don’t mind a little suffering if there is a reward for it down the line!

So what is the story regarding relationships? 

Well, on paper they look amazing. We are drawn to them because they offer safety, security, acceptance, love, sex, family, community, meaning, and more. Like babies, we love them when we see them out in the world, but the reality of having one in your home 24/7 is a whole different story. 

And yet we keep seeking them out, and getting into them, only to find out that once we move through the limerence phase, they get difficult. Why do they become so difficult? Why can’t they continue to feel like floating on clouds? The answer to this is complex and differs somewhat from person to person, but I hope in this article to give you an understanding of the process that can cause distress but, when handled well, also lead to “real love”. 

WHAT WE DO WHEN THREATENED IS NATURAL, BUT IT ALSO CAUSES DISCONNECTION: Our brains are wired to scan the environment for threats–that is how we have survived over the years. As mammals, we have very few ways to protect ourselves from threats–no claws, no fangs, and soft bellies that are exposed dues to our upright stance. We are not even very fast or strong! So we evolved to have large brains to help us outwit predators and avoid dangerous situations. 

It worked pretty well until we got into “modern” relationships, where our “safe person” can also be our greatest threat at times. When this happens, our hunter-gatherer brains can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat, and reacts by shutting down rational thought and activating our fight, flight, or freeze response. 

While this response protected us in the past, in modern relationships it creates a separation from our partner(s), due to the fact that when we are in this dysregulated state, we cannot learn or listen, and our primary goal is self-protection. The result is disconnection. Closeness, the feeling of being understood and cared for, is out of reach, and this is why our natural responses to threats generally do not work in relationship. This is an unfortunate state of affairs, since closeness is often reached by having difficult conversations or healthy conflict. 

VULNERABILITIES AND TRAUMA ARE TRIGGERED: Why does our defense system get triggered so strongly by our partners? Why does something that protects us from harm also create disconnection? This is not some cosmic joke on people who are in relationships. It is instead just an unexpected outcome of being in a modern form of relationship. Let’s look at what happens.

In our hunter-gatherer past, we were in relationship with many people, and our needs were spread among the group. Our safety, security, and sense of belonging was not reliant on just one person, but instead tied to many. Because of this, a conflict with one individual was likely less threatening–we did not feel as though we were in great danger. 

Today, the majority of our needs and wants, our requirements for safety and security, and our sense of belonging, are all tied to one primary partner. (To read more about this idea, please check out Esther Perel’s excellent article: Why Modern Love is So Damn Hard). A relational breach, even a small one, can present an enormous sense of threat to our stability and well-being. We can feel as though the conflict will leave us untethered to our anchor, to drift alone and unprotected.

What exactly is the source of this feeling of unsafety? Our vulnerabilities are exposed. Regardless of whether we are attacked, or doing the attacking ourselves, we become hyperaware of our vulnerabilities in the moment and move to protect them. This is one process that makes relationship so hard; in order to have healthy conflict that results in greater closeness, it is required that we talk about the vulnerability that has been triggered by another, so that other can then respond to us.

What we usually do instead of talking about what is coming up for us is criticize the other, which only pushes them away. And when we are criticized or attacked, instead of probing to find out what is underneath the anger, we often get defensive, essentially walling off our compassionate selves from our partner.  

This is compounded when there are negative memories in the past that we experienced as traumatic, because our instinct to attack and defend are heightened, and the trigger-wires for each is much shorter. Trauma also takes us out of the moment and back to the past event, making us unable to respond with interest, caring, and empathy. If we are unaware that trauma is even being triggered, guilt and shame can be added to the mix of negative emotions, further pulling us out of the conversation and away from our partner. 

***

The takeaway from this section is that when our vulnerabilities and traumas are triggered in relationship, if we don’t know how to talk about what we are feeling in the moment, any conversation with our partner, if we have one, is going to be much more difficult. 

YOU ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOUR PARTNER: The final aspect of relationship to be considered in this article is how our differences make being with someone harder. Why do differences create difficulty? Mostly because they do not show themselves in the beginning stage of a relationship! And if they do show up, our brain has a tendency to minimize them since its one goal is to bond with the other. 

The reality is that every partner you have will be different from you in both big and small ways. The challenge comes with deciding, once the differences show up, how to respond to them. There are three main ways of responding that I want to highlight in this article:

  1. Criticizing the difference by judging it.
  2. Saying nothing about how it bothers you and building up silent resentments.
  3. Showing curiosity about the difference, then deciding if that is something you can live with (accept). 

Only one of the above actually works to bring couples closer–can you guess which one? If you guessed #3, then you are correct! And yet this is the response that rarely gets practiced, and this is why differences, despite their inevitability, make relationships hard. 

Why are differences in our partners threatening to us? Our brains are wired to detect potential threats or dangers in the environment, and back in the hunter-gatherer days, someone who was “different” could be an enemy from another tribe or group. Noticing differences allowed us to assess our level of safety, letting us proceed with caution and keeping us from giving our trust to another prematurely. 

Our brain wiring has not changed as much as our culture and our way of being in relationship, so it is important to find a way to “bypass” our natural defenses at times when they are activated.  Otherwise we will seek to distance ourselves at the very moment when we need connection and closeness. Relationships are hard because our brains often tell us to do something that damages the connection. 

Understanding this is critical to making a choice against your natural instincts, and towards your relationship. 

***

So is there good news? Yes! The good news is that even though our brains work against our relationship goals sometimes, they also give us the ability to choose a healthier option. This takes practice and teamwork, and is dependent on the couples’ commitment to a mutually shared relationship vision. But it is doable. And in my opinion, the work is worth it. 

Relationships may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but the rewards, when you do the work together, are life-changing, liberating, and empowering. 

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WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY

This article is an overview of what I have noticed works and does not work in relationships. It is not meant to be an exhaustive review, but instead a summary of what I see are the most important things to pay attentions to if you want to have a healthy, connected relationship. 

I feel that, as a couples therapist, my training and education never end. This is because so much theory behind couples therapy is influenced by current science of the human brain in relationship. This is good news! But it also reminds me that the choices I help couples make during conflict sometimes go against their natural responses. 

Bonding with others is hard-wired into our brain and evolved from our need to be inter-dependent in order to survive and propagate.  Therefore, much of what we do with our partners feels natural and easy–this is not what couples come to therapy for help with. The part that does not feel natural and easy usually centers around conflict, or difficult conversations, that every couple runs into in the course of being together.

What I have learned from the experts is that couples need to attend to not only how to have healthy conflict that results in understanding and connection, but also how to keep doing the things that are easy and natural. Attending to the latter makes it easier to attend to the former.

So let’s look at a round-up of the best tips I have learned from the experts in couples therapy, and why you need to know them if you want to be successful in relationship.

For this article, I pull from the following experts in couples therapy. I encourage you to subscribe to their newsletters if available as a way to get regular reminders of what works:

THE BREAKUP PREDICTORS: Couples will regularly act as though their relationship path is out of their control, asking, “”How did we get here?” The truth is that they got there together, by making conscious and non-conscious choices, but they may not have had their eyes open while driving, so to speak. Terry Real says that his first step with couples is to find out “Who’s doing what?” I use this question with my couples as a way to bring awareness to each individual’s contribution to the couple dynamic. If you don’t know what you are doing, how can you change it?

So what is most important to look out for? According to the Gottmans, who have 40 years of research on couples to draw from, contempt is the number-one predictor of divorce when it shows up between couples. What is contempt? In The Marriage Clinic, contempt is defined as: “Any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner.”

Contempt is looking down at your partner, judging them as less than, specifically less than you. It can show up as disgust, disrespect, disregard, insults, eye-rolling, and ignoring, just to list a few. John Gottman calls it “psychological abuse” and that is exactly what it feels like. It makes the other feel as though there is something wrong with them, that they are not on the same plane as you–not as smart, not as young, not as attractive, not from as good a family, etc.

Contempt is so damaging because it is difficult if not impossible to repair, unlike other forms of conflict or differences. Contempt sticks and is hard to forget or excuse. There is a big difference between someone saying: “Since you have gained weight I find it harder to become sexually aroused with you”, and “You’re so fat you disgust me and I don’t even want to touch you half the time”.  The first one hurts, but can lead to a deeper conversation, while the second one damages trust, safety, and connection, pretty much ensuring that a deeper conversation will not happen.

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Another main predictor of breakup or divorce? Again, the Gottmans have a corner on this, sharing that the stories we have of one another are critical in shaping our responses in conflict. And negative stories of our partners over time lead to less successful conflict, less trust and connection, and often the end of the relationship. In The Marriage Clinic John Gottman calls these negative stories negative sentiment override, meaning the [negative] “affect around which the problems do not get solved”.

In layman’s terms, if you begin most difficult conversations not giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, you are likely to have gridlock, or higher levels of aggression. If you think about it, when you head into conversations with your partner with suspicion or negativity, your relationship will feel like you are living with a threat that is always trying to sabotage your well-being!

When this happens, I often look for experiences in one’s history that have negatively colored how they experience others in the world. Individual therapy can greatly help to deconstruct and dismantle some of these responses and make the person more adaptive to what is really going on with their partner.

WHAT DOES NOT WORK: Nearly all couples enter into couples therapy telling me that the biggest problem is their “communication”, but that is usually not the actual issue. Couples are communicating just fine, all the time, even when that communication is via the “silent treatment”. What the issue usually is is their difficulty in having difficult conversations. Conflict can fall into this category, to be sure, but other difficult conversations could involve changing values, problem-solving, or expressing needs.

The truth is that difficult conversations may remain difficult, but that does not mean they can’t be successful. What is success in a difficult conversation? Understanding and Connection. This is because the root of the difficulty in these talks stems from one person’s vulnerabilities being hurt. A successful difficult conversation is when one person expresses that hurt in a way that is not critical of the other, and the other then responds in a caring and empathic manner, avoiding problem-solving.

Since this is easier said than done, here are a couple of tips from the experts on what to avoid in these conversations and what to do to make them easier:

The Four Taboos: Dr. Walter Brackelmanns developed the idea of the Four Taboos during his many years working with couples, and he incorporated them into his own modality, Inter-Analytic Couples Therapy, which is what I practice. These actions became taboo primarily because they will completely derail a conversation two people are having about feelings, and they will also turn healthy conflict into a fight.

The Four Taboos are:

  1. Criticism
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Demands
  4. Dysregulation, either up or down

The reason he identified these as dangerous is because when they are used, they result in disconnection, not connection. They are protective or aggressive responses to the others upset. In a nutshell, they don’t work! 

Criticism is when one makes judgements or interpretations about the other rather than talking about how they feel (“I feel you are a jerk” is not a feeling, it is a criticism.). Defensiveness is difficult to avoid, because that is a natural brain response to feeling attacked, but it does not work because it is a justification for the triggering behavior. Demands are when you tell the other what to do or not do rather than making a request. And dysregulation happens when our rational brain gets shut down and we are running on emotions that respond to a real or perceived threat by either ramping up to attack, or shutting down to protect.

Avoiding the four taboos during conflict requires making conscious choices in the moment, as well as having a commitment to building trust and safety in the relationship during non-conflict times. Additionally, one must be able to regulate oneself, and/or be co-regulated by the other, so that they have access to conscious choice. Regulation does not mean that you are perfectly calm, it just means that you can have your feelings and still talk about them–that your right and left brain are both still online. (In dysregulation, our left brains go offline!)

These four taboos may remind you of the Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and that is because they are very similar. However, the similarities between them does not invalidate either, rather it reinforces the notion that in order to connect during conflict, you better avoid dis-connective actions.

Turning Against Bids: John Gottman has identified three possible responses to what he calls “bids”, which are simply attempts to connect with another. Bids can be direct or indirect, they can be a question or a comment, they can be verbal or non-verbal, but in all cases the health of a relationship can be measured by the most common response of the other.

For this article, I am highlighting turning against, because this is the most damaging of the responses and clearly belongs in the “What Does Not Work” category. Turning against a partner’s bid is not a passive act–it is often hostile or aggressive.

(To read a brief article about all three responses to bids, click HERE.)

It is usually not the intent of the responder to come across this way–perhaps this is how they learned to be in their family of origin or from previous relationships. Nevertheless, as described in The Relationship Cure by Gottman and DeClaire, it is received as contemptuous and critical, setting a pattern of rejection and hurt feelings and ultimately, disconnection.  A relationship has little chance of succeeding if this is the go-to response to bids, so I recommend avoiding it!

It is important to note that turning against happens even in healthy, stable relationships. We all have bad days, lose our patience, get frustrated, and feel interrupted at times. That is when it is vital that we stay regulated so that we can express what is going on with us rather than punish our partner. If you say to your partner, “I just can’t think about that right now because my brain is fried, can we talk about it in the morning?”, you are assured a more compassionate reaction than if you turn against their bid for connection.

WHAT WORKS BEST: So what does work, according to the experts? Happily, there are many things we can do that require minimum effort and deliver big rewards. This is because our needs in relationship are relatively simple. Everybody wants to feel respected, loved, important, and desired. Though there are deeper needs that can be met, I have found that attending to these four sets a couple up for smoother sailing.

Below I have listed just a few of the most effective actions that partners can do for one another, but they all have a similar positive affect on relationships in that they reinforce positive stories about the other–they lead us to give one another the benefit of the doubt rather than jumping to a negative conclusion.

Having Shared Dreams/Celebrating Each Other’s Wins: Why be in a relationship? The reasons for committing to another person have changed somewhat over the years. During hunter-gatherer times, relationships offered safety and security, as well as companionship and someone who could help with work and children. We are “hard-wired” to gather with others since that is how we have stayed alive, being ill-equipped to survive on our own.

Things have changed, and I notice that in Los Angeles it can feel safer to be alone and away from others than in the middle of a group. If a person could do fine interacting with others only online and living alone, why bother with the messiness of living with someone who is not you?

Many of the experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, talk about the necessity of having shared dreams, meaning, or purpose. If a couple is going to take on the challenging work of navigating differences and building a life together, then they are best served agreeing on what that life will look like. That is the shared dream–and it can serve as the motivation to do the difficult parts of relationship maintenance.

(Click HERE to access the Gottman’s Shared Meaning Questionnaire.)

Without a shared dream, purpose, meaning, or vision, a couple is essentially two individuals moving in different directions. This can undercut any efforts to join them or create a “team” mentality from which to solve problems, because they are both operating from individual agendas.

Shared dreams are critical to relationships much as they are to businesses–you can’t imagine a business where each employee has a different goal or path to success–this is why so many successful businesses have Mission Statements. They are written declarations of where they want to go.

Relationships will also benefit by agreeing on where they want to go.

Turning Toward Bids: One of my favorite Gottman concepts is the idea that we are always making or responding to bids in relationships. Bids made in relationships are specifically invitations to connect, and they can be verbal or non-verbal, direct or inferred, specific or general.

A bid can be anything from a comment about the weather to a specific question or request. In all cases they are attempts to connect with the other in some way. Connection is important to human beings because it reminds us that we are not alone, that we are safe, that we are important and have value. It also feels good!

I wrote earlier about how turning against creates disconnection and ultimately resentment, so you can think of turning towards as the opposite of that. But what does it look like? In simplest terms, the act of turning towards is any response that is shows that you are paying attention to the other. That could be a nod, a grunt, a question, an acknowledgement, or any number of responses at our disposal. This simple act can have a powerful positive affect on your partner and your relationship, and create a “cushion” for the more challenging and difficult interactions.

I have included turning towards in this article because I am a big fan of using skills that prevent disconnection while making conflict more productive.

(Click HERE for a short article detailing the different ways we can turn towards.)

The Dialogue of Intimacy: I have left this skill for last, mostly because it it the tool I use with couples in the therapy room and the tool I give them to take home and practice. It is also the tool that I have found creates the most change for the least amount of effort, if done consistently and with intention.

As I was taught, a Dialogue of Intimacy is a conversation that connects two people through empathy. Everything else is a dialogue of distance! It works because it moves beyond the surface issue of a conflict to reveal the underlying feelings of hurt, sadness, rejection, betrayal, and more. Unless these feelings are expressed, the Listener will likely miss the target with their response, aiming instead for the problem rather than the effects of the problem.

There are two roles in a Dialogue of Intimacy: a Talker and a Listener. The Talker is the one initiating the dialogue, bringing up something they are bothered by. Ideally, the Talker uses the formula “an emotion tied to a person and an event” to express what is bothering them, avoiding criticism in the process. The Talker should learn how speak about what is going on in their inner world from a subjective perspective–feeling the feelings and not just talking about them. Vulnerability is essential for the Talker in this task–because vulnerability is what draws in the listener.

The Listener has the harder job of the two, because they have to “set aside” what they may be feeling at the moment. The Listener is in charge of the process, leading the Talker down the road into their inner world, asking questions that illuminate why this issue was so triggering to the Talker. Without this information the Listener has to guess at what is going on, increasing the chances that their response will not work.

The Listener uses open-ended questions based on what their curiosity wants them to know more about. I always encourage listeners to look in the eyes of the Talker–this is where your questions will come from!

There is but one reason to have a Dialogue of Intimacy–to gain greater understanding. You are not trying to solve the problem here–understanding must precede problem-solving! This understanding comes from empathy–the experience of feeling and seeing the others’ perspective, which then leads to connection. This is why conflict, when done well, is not something to be avoided.

A couple of tips: both partners must be able to self-regulate and co-regulate or else the process will go off the rails; and you must stay in the role you have chosen until a full understanding is achieved. The good news is that this understanding often take much less time than most couples conversations–you just have to know where you are headed and how to get there!

(For therapists who want to study the Dialogue of Intimacy in a formal setting, click HERE for information on the trainings.) 

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THIS INFORMATION: In this article I have shared just a snippet of offerings from the experts in couples therapy, with the hope that you will seek out more information yourself. The benefits of learning new skills are boundless, and those benefits improve the one thing that most of us value more than anything else–our relationships with loved ones.

The goal of learning these skills, and the goal of the experts who do this work, is not to create problem-free or conflict-free relationships because there is no such thing! Rather, the goal is to make difficult conversations easier by having couples connect during conflict instead of protect against one another.

Conflict and difficult conversations are inevitable due to the simple fact that we are different from one another. Learning how to talk about these differences is a powerful step toward greater closeness. Who couldn’t use a bit more of that these days?

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SCHEDULING SEX

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Do you remember when you first found out that Santa Claus is not real? I do, and it is not a pleasant memory! I remember how it was announced to me casually by my parents, but it felt like a hole was blown in my stomach and I was expected to act as though it were only a bruise. It was just one moment in time when my admittedly narrow child’s worldview would be abruptly expanded, challenged, or shifted by reality. Moments like these are about more than just giving up beliefs, they sometimes require a whole identity adjustment. 

And yet once I knew that Santa Claus was fictional, I could not go back to “believing” in him. Granted, it is fun to continue “pretending” that he is coming, but harmless play like that never overrides a less-exciting reality, it just makes it more bearable! We accept new truths, an expanded worldview, and move on with our lives from this broader perspective of self and world. 

Why then do so many refuse to let go of the mythology surrounding romance? 

The mythology I am specifically referring to is the belief that sex in a relationship should retain the spontaneity of the courting stage–that it should happen “organically”, or else partners have lost interest in each other. Attached to this mythology is the belief that scheduling sex is unnatural, shameful, and unsexy. 

The reality that I help my couples clients to experience is that the above is not true, and that scheduling sex can become something that you look forward to and enjoy! 

PASSION FADES: If we are in good physical shape when we start a relationship and want to stay that way, we don’t assume that, now that we are coupled, we no longer have to exercise. In fact, we would expect to lose muscle mass or gain weight if we stopped exercising. For many people, keeping themselves fit in a relationship or marriage is respectful to themselves and their partners, and sexy to boot! We continue to exercise if we want to stay in shape because we know that there is no other way to remain fit.

When it comes to romance, passion, and sex, we often throw the above logic out the window. A relationship that starts out with hot sex is often expected to continue along the same path, because if we love someone then surely we will keep wanting to have sex with them. If only this were the case, but it often is not. Sexual attraction, from a biological standpoint, was always intended for the short-term to foster pair bonding and procreation. 

You might be shocked to know that sex was never meant to keep a relationship together long-term, and that when our eyes wander to others, that may be a biological message telling us to bond and procreate with another (This is not a justification for infidelity, just a scientific way to understand it). There are so many more obstacles that “get in the way” of sex in the long run, with increased intimacy being one of them, since intimacy and passion are fueled by opposing elements. 

This is why it is important in a long-term relationship to be intentional about sex. 

(For a great read on why passion fades and how to get it back, please check out Esther Perel’s excellent book, Mating In Captivity.) 

We have been fed a myth about sex–that it should happen spontaneously and organically if we love someone. This does sometimes happen, especially in the courtship stage, but as time goes on, desire can fade for a variety of reasons. In the same way that we need to exercise to stay in shape, we need to take action if we want to maintain an active sex life with our partner. 

One of the best courses of action to take is setting aside time for sex.

SCHEDULING SEX IS SEXY: When we make a reservation to go out to dinner, we don’t expect to sit down at the restaurant and have our food immediately appear for our consumption. Usually, we take time to read the menu, noticing what looks good in the moment–what we might like to try. Then we often order appetizers and/or drinks to start, knowing that we will enjoy our meal much more once our appetite is whetted and we feel relaxed. 

Couples can use a similar approach when it comes to ensuring that they have regular sex. If you think about the dinner scenario I mention above, what is it that makes one look forward to dining at a restaurant? Knowing that we will be served, that we won’t be rushed, and that we can “set aside” current concerns in order to enjoly the meal. Sex can provide similar anticipation, but not if we treat it like a task that needs to be checked off of a list. 

What if you and your partner(s) chose to look at having sex as a respite rather than a requirement? What if you saw it as a reward to be enjoyed together rather than something to do for the other person? Remember what made sex so exciting when you were first getting to know one another: discovery, risk, mystery, interest, curiosity, exploration. Believe it or not, these elements can continue to drive sex with a regular partner even after many years–IF we are willing to see them as a changing, complex, and influential individual. 

What is sexy about scheduling sex is looking at the scheduling as a strength of your relationship rather than a weakness–you are doing something to ensure you are physically intimate with the one you most love. It is a sexy intention because it is saying to one another: “This means something to me, I love doing it with you, and I want to make sure it happens.” Scheduling intimate time together can be sexy in the same way that we love when our partner plans a romantic anniversary getaway, or decides to take up a training program to get in better shape. Scheduling sex is a form of leaning in to the relationship, saying to each other that this is too important to leave to chance. 

HOW TO START/SET ASIDE TIME TO CONNECT: The biggest challenges I hear about for couples scheduling sex are the following:

  • Anxiety about being in the mood when the time comes.
  • When one partner is struggling with not feeling desirable, sexy, or attracted to their partner.
  • Feeling tired, stressed, anxious, or depressed.
  • When sex is painful.
  • Not feeling connected to the partner.
  • Unrealistic expectations. 

Fortunately, the way around any of these issues is conversation. The exception is when sex is painful. In this case, sex must not proceed, and a doctor or urologist’s assistance needs to be sought out. Sometimes painful sex can be resolved through simple education, as when a post-menopausal woman is not aware that lubricant is needed, but I always want to rule out a medical condition first. 

For the rest of the issues, my job is to help partners talk about them. These conversations can actually lessen the problem, because when done well, they foster trust, safety, understanding, and connection–all of which are vital to a healthy sex life! A well-trained couples therapist can be essential in helping a couple have these talks. 

For the purposes of this article, however, I want to focus on the best approach to scheduling sex: Don’t schedule sex! Instead, schedule uninterrupted time together. When you schedule sex, anxiety can ramp up because there is an expectation for performance and desire. Strong performance and natural desire are most likely to show up when partners are relaxed, not stressed or anxious, so by removing the expectation for sex, you keep the nervous system calm and allow the body to respond to stimulation. 

Here is how it can look:

  1. Set aside an uninterrupted block of time–no kids, no phones, no emails, no television.
  2. Establish consent to be with each other, as well as the right to reject what another is doing. (True consent is not only about saying “yes”, but also being able to say “no”.)
  3. Spend some time connecting either through casual conversation, eye-gazing, light touch or massage, sensate focus touch, sharing a bath or shower, spooning one another, dancing, or feeding each other fresh strawberries–your imagination can come up with what works for the two of you. 
  4. Take intercourse or penetration off the table as a desired outcome–instead shoot for the connection, and trust what comes out of that. Note: it may not be intercourse, and that’s okay! 
  5. Be willing to be influenced by your partner–by their body, their touch, their playfulness–join with them as a teammate to play the game of arousal. (A great way to prepare for this beforehand is to have a conversation about “What turns you on?” and “What turns you off?”)
  6. TRUST THE PROCESS. I have said this before, and it allows couples to be more present in the moment with each other instead of in a hoped-for or dreaded future outcome (anxiety), and it also lets the right brain (the feeling brain) take the wheel, which is essential for erotic connection. You may move toward intercourse or penetration, or you may not–trusting the process lets you find the sweet spot for that particular time period. Intercourse ideally comes not from clenched jaw determination, but from moving up the levels of arousal together through exploration, discovery, and play. 

(Read how to use Sensate Focus Touching to kindle sexual arousal in one another.) 

It used to be that men wanted sex all the time and women needed to be aroused before wanting it. But this is not the case anymore, because general anxiety is higher for both sexes, and that can drastically impair sex drive–resulting in neither partner initiating. So the way “into sex” is not through sex drive, but through arousal, for both partners. Arousal comes from a state of relaxation and connection. Mind you, that connection does not have to start with your partner–it can be a connection to your own eroticism via porn or fantasy. But if you want to have regular sex (whatever that is for you), then you are going to need to allow time to relax together and connect first. 

In order to allow that time for your relationship, set aside time together, allow yourself to breathe, be present, move your body and touch each other in a way that fits the moment. You will discover that scheduling sex is not really about sex at all–it is about so much more, and one of the best actions you can do for long-term relationship satisfaction.