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HOW MY THINKING CHANGED ABOUT STAN TATKIN

“Who the hell is Stan Tatkin?”, you might be asking. Those who have been in therapy with me will be familiar with the name, as I often bring up his writing regarding love and relationships. I even share an excerpt his publishers provides from his latest book, In Each Others’ Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, because of how helpful I feel the suggestions are for couples. I admire his writing style, intelligence, compassion, and knowledge about what the human brain does when it is in a relationship with another. 

However, I did not always have such high praise for Dr. Tatkin. I used to have a completely different opinion of him and his work. In this article I want to show how, as I gained experience as a couples therapist, he earned my respect, despite my continuing disagreements with some of his practice policies. I hope that in this time of polarization, my story will serve to show the value of both humility in professional growth, and willingness to change one’s mind given new information. 

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Several years ago I attended a conference for therapists who work with couples. This was before the COVID pandemic, when these were held in person, and they were a great way to connect with other professionals, learn new skills, and get out of town for a weekend. Dr. Tatkin was doing several presentations during the conference, as his profile as a well-known published author and speaker is significant, and his presence on the roster can influence people to attend. 

After one of his talks, he was available to sign books in the lobby, and I took the opportunity to ask him a question about his work with couples. As a “narrative” therapist (one who works with the stories clients have about themselves, others, and the world), I wanted to know if he would ever confront a couple about the “story” they had about their relationship. I wondered if he would ever explore if the story they had was in fact the problem–that it was not working for who they are as a couple. For instance, it might be a problem if a couple has a story that the man is supposed to provide for the household when in fact the woman earns the money.

He listened to my question respectfully, but answered me by saying: “No, I would never do that. I would just tell them to grow up.” I remember being stunned by his answer, but trying not to let that show. Instead, I thanked him for his time, and I wandered away from his table. 

This happened years ago, but for a long time I harbored the thought that Dr. Tatkin must be one of those therapists who has been working for so long that he has lost compassion for the couple he treats. It can happen! For years I held this negative view of him, and it allowed me to convince myself that I must know better. Yep, I have an ego!

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Being a therapist is one of those careers that, in my opinion, requires a certain level of not just curiosity and compassion, but also humility, patience, and respect for the work. It asks that we take care of ourselves so that we can bring our full abilities and caring into sessions. It demands that we do our own work to minimize becoming reactive when client’s anger us or get angry at us. 

Was Dr. Tatkin, in his response to me, displaying a lack of patience or reactivity for clients’ suffering, or was he perhaps letting me know that, in his work, compassion could look like confrontation? At the time I was convinced it was the former, and I remember hearing stories over time about his couples work that reinforced how I thought about this. 

But then I myself worked for several more years, seeing couples in my own private practice. And along the way, I kept hearing more and more from Dr. Tatkin online in articles, videos, and discussions about the books he had completed and the work he does. What I began to struggle with is that the intelligent, empathic person he presented as in his videos and interviews was nothing like the harsh convention speaker I encountered at the book signing all those years ago. 

I began to consider the idea that none of us are ever just one thing. Sometimes we are patient, sometimes we are not, sometimes we are caring, sometimes we are less so. As human beings, we hope to respond skillfully to whatever shows up around us, but that is not always the case, is it? Therapists are supposed to be better at this than most, but better does not mean perfect. 

Life, even when we love it, can still be stressful at times, or we can just be tired. And careers, even when they are our passion, can tire us out or feel unsatisfying at times. Like all human beings, Stan Tatkin was neither an asshole or a saint. Like all of us, he could be both and everything in between. And this is when I started to listen to him more closely.

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His most recent book, which I mentioned above, speaks loudly to me because of a few guidelines that he refuses to compromise on. I summarize them below:

  1. The needs of your relationship must ALWAYS come first.
  2. Love is not enough. Every relationship must define their shared purpose and vision. 
  3. Agreements that you make together serve as guardrails to keep your relationship from running off the road. These agreements MUST be 100% agreed to by all parties, or they will fail. 

In the recent trend of nurturing psychotherapy, clients can end up being coddled more than cared for. Sometimes the best way to care for anyone is to hold them accountable for who they are being, and support their efforts to be a better version of themselves. A therapist’s role can be more than listener–they can also be mentor, advocate, witness, and challenger. 

Dr. Tatkin’s guidelines hold partners accountable for the health and wellbeing of the relationship, so they can no longer blame each other or outside forces. Imagine how powerful that can be–to not have any excuses for why you are not happy other than your choices and responses! This does not mean that if someone is abusing you, you are the cause of it. But you are accountable for your response to it, and your response can change your life (or save it!). 

I believe that these guidelines need to be firmly followed, because it is natural for us to be selfish in life, concerned primarily about our individual needs. Even motherhood does not shift this very much–caring for a child has a selfish element to it.  I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with natural selfishness like this, but it may not be in the best interest of the relationship. 

In placing the needs the relationship first, you ensure not only that it thrives, but that you also thrive as an individual! One individual win usually ends up being a loss for both partners, so why not go for the win-win?

Your shared purpose and vision can be thought of as your relationship’s Mission Statement, guiding you down a shared path together, a path that can be changed at any time by both parties. Another way of putting this is that your relationship can only grow if you are both moving towards the same values. 

Agreements act as guardrails to keep you on that path, and Dr. Tatkin stresses that caring partners will agree to hold each other accountable in a non-blaming way if one starts to veer off the road. Why wouldn’t we agree to do this for each other if we both have a vested interest in the continuation of the relationship? 

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In this article I have just given you a taste of what I have found of value in Dr. Tatkin’s work, and if your curiosity was piqued, I encourage you to read his books or watch his webinars and videos. Modern relationships cannot thrive by following the rules of the past, unless you are content with the narrowness of that kind of life together. Today’s complex marriages need guidelines that respect modern values and respond to them. This is how, over time, I grew to respect Dr. Tatkin’s approach to the work. He is on a mission to make relationships strong and secure, and coddling won’t achieve that goal. 

I still don’t know if he is an asshole or not, but aren’t we all assholes from time to time? What I am certain of is that he is onto something that benefits anyone who takes the time to follow his lead. Today’s relationships need more than love–they need intention, follow-through, and shared accountability. This is what it means to be in each other’s care. And it turns out that new was right when he answered me way back when, because for some couples, being in each other’s care means they have to sort of grow up. 

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CAREER OR MARRIAGE?

 

Today’s marriages are not the same as marriages 50 years ago. In some ways they are, of course, but what has changed is many of the dynamics between spouses: dynamics around money, power, sex, and raising a family. I notice more equanimity in marriages today, which is good news, but I also see the conflict that comes sometimes from sharing power. New opportunities create new challenges. It can often feel like a competition.

In couples therapy, this competition can reveal or trigger deep hurts and create resentments over time. Whose career gets priority? Do you have to choose between your marriage or your career? What if both are screaming for your attention?

This is why it is more important than ever to see you and your spouse as being on the same team–a team that you both want to win the game. There is a big difference between approaching a competition as a team vs. as rivals!

What I suggest is that it does not have to be a competition at all–your individual pursuits and goals can also serve the marriage as a whole, not just each of you individually. But to get to this place requires the skills of talking and listening, curiosity, compassion, and commitment to the wellbeing of your relationship. As they say, if your relationship is not thriving, neither are you. So let’s take a look at how to navigate these seemingly opposing needs.

WHY DO WE FEEL WE HAVE TO CHOOSE?: In the “olden days”, marriage was something that provided security and status to women (or a prison, depending on how you look at it), and penetrative sex to men (at least until children were born). Many marriages were part of the plan for running a farm or household, and the gender roles were clear. Men worked outside the home, women worked inside the home. Men made the money, women raised the children.

It sometimes worked, but many times it did not, primarily for women, who had little to no choice or options either in or out of a marriage. Fortunately, today’s relationships and marriages are not as restricting for the individuals in them. But you know what they say: when old problems go away, new problems appear.

Whereas in the past a major difficulty was sexual affairs outside of the marriage, today’s bigger betrayal is the threat of spouses spending too much time at work, or dealing with work at home. One’s career is the new “third person” so to speak. And the neglected spouses aren’t sure how to speak up about this since technically the other is not doing anything “wrong” by being committed to their career!

Any lack of boundaries protecting a marriage from intrusions will become a problem no matter what the intrusion is–even when it comes from within (kids and pets!). Unwanted intrusions can cause resentment, disconnection, hurt, and can also interfere with self-care, which can affect how someone feels about initiating or receiving sex.

So what gives? Why is work taking up so much more of our time than in the past? Well, some of the reasons I have noticed include:

  • Greater competition to succeed
  • Lack of respect from work an individual’s boundaries around personal time
  • Higher financial obligations and responsibilities at home
  • The ability to do work from home increases access and shortens deadlines

Beyond this, I also hear in sessions that there is some shame attached to “choosing the relationship”, and this applies to both men and women. Those who choose to prioritize their family or personal life are often seen as not being ambitious or motivated, or making a “soft” choice. This can put a lot of pressure on individuals who will report feeling pulled from both ends. This tug-of-war can turn a loving relationship into just another set of obligations that need to be met.  Not good!

WHAT WORKS BETTER: The solution to modern problems is rarely to go back to the way things were, rather, in looking forward couples can use new information and their own creativity to experiment with what works for them. We have never been in the relationship dilemma that we now face, so new ideas are required!

Let’s start first with identifying the options:

  • choose career
  • choose relationship/family
  • choose some version of both

What would you choose? There is no “right” answer, because what works for one couple might not work for another. Within one relationship, there will be times when choosing a career is necessary, while at other times choosing the relationship/family is called for. Most couples today choose a version of both, but this is often by default rather being planned out, leaving the individuals involved feeling trapped.

What I recommend is a choice that works across the board. In my work, I strive to offer couples simple approaches to complex issues, and fortunately there are a number of these that have proven track records. What I suggest for the career or relationship tug-of-war is from Stan Tatkin, who in his book In Each Other’s Care writes about the need to “put the needs of the relationship first at all times”. How is this to be applied?

When couples choose the needs of the relationship, they have the highest chance of making choices that ensures they also thrive as individuals. But the caveat is that for this to work well, it is essential that a couple have a shared vision for their relationship or marriage. Otherwise, in choosing the needs of the relationship, they may find themselves favoring different priorities.

So the first step when a couple finds themselves struggling is to create their shared vision–the direction they want to move toward together. For  example, if their shared vision is to raise a family, then their priorities should move them in that direction, whereas if their shared vision is to run a successful business together, they are likely to have different priorities.

However, a couples’ priorities are usually not so well-aligned. This is where Stan Tatkin’s approach becomes essential. Let’s say there is a couple where one individual values having a thriving career, while the other values managing a home and raising a family. In order for this couple to thrive together, they have to ask themselves, “What does the relationship need?” In other words, how can they both thrive? It is not a question of one winning and the other losing!

In this example, one approach could be that the career-minded partner choose a career that allows them to be home in the evenings and weekends. For the partner who may not be working, they might want to talk about how finances will be managed so that both partners have some spending autonomy and independence. Whatever approach they take, the guiding principle is what do we need to thrive both as a couple and as individuals? Choosing the needs of the relationship (which is made up of the individuals) ensures that this principle will take precedence.

So when faced with the choice of career or relationship, my suggestion (and Stan Tatkin’s!) is to choose the relationship, specifically, what the relationship needs.

HOW TO USE THIS FOR ANY CONFLICT: What I love about “across the board” approaches is that they can be used across the board! If you find yourself having a conflict of interests with anyone in your life, you can ask yourself, “What does this relationship need to thrive?” to identify options where you both win. Prioritizing what the relationship needs avoids elevating one’s individual needs over another’s. The relationship becomes primary.

I have written about other “across the board” approaches, such as my favorite: “What would Love do?”, and the beauty of these questions is that they lead one to actions and choices based in compassion, humility, kindness, and wisdom.

Modern life offers us the option of choosing our own priorities rather than having them imposed upon us by society, culture, and family. We shouldn’t  have to suffer because we choose one priority over another. You can have both career and relationship satisfaction as long as you find a balance that allows you, your partner, and your relationship to thrive.

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HOW TO MEET THE NEW YEAR

Whenever we approach a new year, it is common to do so with both excitement and anxiety. I will notice in myself that these two emotions are associated with what I know, as well as what I don’t know, about the upcoming year. This makes sense. If one definition of anxiety is “fear of the unknown future”, could we also not be excited about the same? After all, fear and excitement often show up together. 

Currently, clients in my office report more anxiety than excitement about the coming year. In many cases, this anxiety is a reaction to what is happening politically in the country–people are worried about our future as a nation! It is my job to balance the line between having empathy for their suffering, while not siding with one perspective or another. Therapists are encouraged to not be biased in the room, but I do think we have a duty to advocate for what is best for our clients. 

What this means is that rather than join my clients in their perspective, I explore how it is working for them, and if it causes them suffering, we work to lessen the suffering. This can be done in a number of ways, but there are a couple approaches I like to use: 

  • changing the story you have about what is happening (how you think about it)
  • changing your relationship to what is happening (how you feel about it)

I favor these approaches because they allow us to work with what is under our control to change, in other words, how we think, feel, or experience what is happening. Let’s explore why this can be helpful. 

LOOK AT HISTORY: One article I enjoyed reading recently reminded me of how our political parties actually need each other to thrive–that they act as opposite ends of a see-saw, moving up and down around a solid center. Going way back to the early 20th century, we see that power has shifted between the political parties on a fairly predictable basis (which ideally keeps both on their toes). What this suggests is that if you don’t like what is going on, there is a good bet that it will change in the not too distant future. 

Another benefit of looking at history is that it can show us how our stories about it can change over time. An obvious example of this is slavery–while it was once considered “good” for society (at least by those who had them), it is now universally seen as a bad thing by anyone even minimally invested in human rights and decency. 

And while distant events give us the time and space to develop a different perspective on them, it can be difficult to do so with recent or current happenings–we are still too close to our emotional responses to zoom out. History can serve as a reminder that things will change, and what was once considered unbearable can one day be seen as an occurrence that motivated positive change. 

We need both good and bad experiences in life in order to build appreciation, confidence, and resilience. Pleasurable experiences are joyful for sure, but painful experiences often offer the greatest opportunities for growth because of how they can challenge our ways of thinking. In the next section we will look at where to find those opportunities. 

WHAT IS UNDER YOUR CONTROL?: Complaining is a natural and healthy activity–it is a message to ourselves and the world that we don’t like something. If anger is the feeling that something is not right, then complaining is the communication of that anger. 

Many people will mix up complaining and whining, but they are different things. Whining is complaining, but also not wanting to be part of the solution. In other words, whiners blame something or someone— they don’t take any responsibility for what is happening or for it changing. 

While I understand whining (let’s face it–blaming is easier in the short run!), it does not produce change. This is why, when vetting new therapy clients, I always look for their willingness to change–without this there is no client. I bring this up because if one is looking for opportunities for growth within negative, unwanted, or painful experiences, their best bet is to look at what is under their control: responses and actions. 

The person most likely to thrive during challenging times is the one who focuses on both how they think about what is happening,  and any actions they can take to create change. Our brains tend to look at what is most threatening, which is usually those things out of our control. We can’t make anybody change by force, and there are problems in the world that require corporations or governments to take action, but that does not mean that we are powerless. 

So when we are facing scary times, either locally or globally, the first step is to distinguish between what you have control over and what you don’t, and then ask yourself if you are willing to explore change in the areas you have control over. Again, these areas include how you respond, what you can change in yourself, and how you think about what is happening. This can have a powerful effect on our experience of life. It can make the difference between feeling hopeful or hopeless. 

HEADING INTO THE NEW YEAR: When you find yourself facing another new year, it is not just a time to “set resolutions”–it is also a time to check on what direction you are moving in your life. Are you still on your path? Has the path changed? Did you ever have a path, or were you moving down the road without any direction? Do you need a different means to get where you are headed? 

When I work with clients, I tell them that we want to move in the direction of our values. Values are not goals–we never reach them, instead we are constantly checking our choices against them to see if we are up to what we want to be up to.

Without a direction (or values), we are likely to go where the environment, or another person, wants us to go. That is not necessarily bad, but it might not serve us well individually. Setting a direction can be called finding a purpose, or vision, in life. Whatever you call it, if it is enticing enough to you, nothing that is going on in the world will take you completely off course. You may veer off course a bit, but as long as you are still going in the direction of your values you can find your way back to the road. 

So as you face the new year, as yourself, “What response to what is happening would keep me going in the direction of my values?”

Those who are in relationships have the good fortune of being able to practice this every day–every response to our partner can be gauged by the direction it moves us. If we value “connection” our response will look one way, if we don’t, it will look another. 

Another helpful gauge is to ask yourself, when having negative feelings, if the feelings match the facts. Our feelings about what is going on can be unduly influenced by past events in our lives, making our response more dramatic than it needs to be. Checking in on the facts can bring us back into the present reality by asking some of the following questions:

  1. Do I know that what I am thinking is true? Is it 100% true?
  2. What do I know that I know, what do I know that I don’t know? 
  3. How often in my life has the worst-case scenario come to pass?
  4. Are there resources I have that I may not be fully utilizing?

The writer Ryan Holiday wrote a book called “The Obstacle Is The Way“, and while I recommend reading this book, you certainly don’t have to do so in order to benefit from the wisdom of the title. We naturally avoid painful experiences because in the past they could harm us, but nowadays most threats are not as fatal. Unfortunately, our thinking about them has not changed much, and in fact has increased in negativity because so many of today’s threats are in the unknown future, so we never feel we are past them.  

What if, as Mr. Holiday asks, we act like the Stoics and look for opportunities for growth and learning within the obstacle? What if we could face a painful reality with a positive vision of who we could be on the other side of the struggle? What if the obstacle could be the way? 

In the new year, I challenge you to form a vision of yourself that you hope to be once the year has ended, and then look at what actions you can take today to start moving towards that vision. That is not avoidance, it is a response, and the most powerful way I know to make sure that you are the main author of your own life. 

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WHEN SEX IS BAD

I was hesitant to write about this topic in a newsletter format because there is so much to say about it, nonetheless I am taking the challenge because it is important to address. In this article I hope to give a brief overview of common  sexual satisfaction issues as a way to both normalize problems that can feel shameful, and also to encourage further research for readers. For the latter purpose I have included some additional resources at the end of the article. 

Everyone has had bad sex. In fact, bad sex is probably more common that great or even good sex. But what is it, exactly? What makes it bad? Do we have to accept that bad sex will sometimes happen, even in a great relationship? (Yes, we do.) And are there things that we can do to minimize how often it happens?

WHAT BAD SEX IS, AND WHAT IT ISN’T: Sometimes sex is bad just because our connection is off or the temperature is too hot in the room. There are times when bad sex is not a big deal, and couples can laugh it off and not have it be a big issue. I don’t want couples to feel that when they have bad sex (they will!) that it means there is a problem, necessarily.

But for many couples, consistent bad sex is a signal of underlying problems, so what exactly are we looking for? If we define sex as an activity that feels good, then the most basic definition of bad sex is: sex that does not feel good. While this may seem simplistic, the many reasons sex may not feel good are anything but! It may not feel good because of one of the partners, all of the partners, or even because of people who are not involved in the sex or in the room when it is happening.

I have noticed that one major reason sex may not feel good is because one or more partners are not paying attention to either their own or the other’s bodies. It is difficult to feel pleasure if we are not paying attention to the sensations we are feeling ourselves, or enjoying the sensations we are giving to another. This means that sometimes sex does not feel good not because it feels bad, but because we are not feeling it at all.

This is what I often see in my therapy office–couples who are too anxious, resentful, or feeling badly about themselves to show up in their bodies or for their partner.

(Painful sex is a different category, and not something we will explore in this article. While you might describe painful sex as bad sex, I would stick with the descriptor “painful” when referring to it. Seeing painful sex as just bad could stop someone from exploring the reasons for the pain–instead blaming themselves or their partner for “doing it wrong”, and potentially ignoring a serious health concern. Painful sex must be stopped immediately, and the pain needs to be assessed by a professional.)

THE REASONS: So going with our definition of bad sex as sex that does not feel good, let’s look at some of the most common reasons this happens.

  • Relational Reasons:
    1. not being present with partner(s)/boredom
    2. lack of connection or curiosity
    3. lack of attraction or interest
    4. too much intimacy in the relationship
    5. lack of safety/consent (consent means being able to say no, not just yes!)
    6. unresolved trauma/active grief
    7. depression/anxiety/stress (often leads to erectile dysfunction)
    8. children/pets/lack of privacy
    9. sex as a performance-based activity
    10. betrayed trust/lingering resentments
    11. conflicting schedules/exhaustion/seeing sex as a task
    12. high desire/low desire couple
  • Organic/Medical Reasons:
    1. poor hygiene
    2. poor health or illness (can lead to health-related erectile dysfunction)
    3. age/menopause (can be a cause of erectile dysfunction for men or painful intercourse for women)
    4. substance abuse/medications that affect sex drive/function
    5. pain/injury

Notice something here? There are many more relationship reasons listed than organic/medical reasons, and yet most couples will go to their doctor assuming there must be a medical solution to their sex issues before considering a relational problem!

To be clear, organic/medical reasons must be ruled out first, before assessing any relational issues. While both may be present, the organic and medical issues have to be addressed first. In some cases, such as aging, addressing them means simply acknowledging them as an issue, and then looking at how this is affecting the relationship dynamic! Though there is no “resolution” to aging, acknowledging it as a factor in sexual enjoyment/attraction/drive allows a couple to make adjustments that benefit both of them while reducing shame and blame.

For relational reasons, a qualified couples and sex therapist is the best person to help with relational issues (a well trained therapist will know when to refer you for medical evaluation). Sexual issues can bring up a lot of vulnerability, causing one to communicate them either critically or defensively with their partner. What’s needed in these moments is compassion, empathy, curiosity, and an absolute commitment to what the relationship needs in order to thrive. If you are having trouble getting there, that’s the time to consider getting some assistance.

I will often utilize sensate focus with couples in order to dial down negative thoughts and increase presence and mindfulness when couples are touching one another. It is a form of “exposure therapy” that, over time, reduces anxiety and takes the pressure off achieving any particular outcome. While it can feel as though one is “going backwards” by focusing on touch sensations only and not pleasure, I like to present it as a “reset or reboot”, where you instead restart your erotic life without the “bugs”. We do resets all the time with our diets and exercise without feeling any shame about it–because they work! They can also work for your sex life. 

The bottom line is that what most people think of as bad sex is not a life sentence! While in some cases it could mean a mismatch of partners, in most cases it is a signal that something medical or relational needs to be addressed. Allowing yourself to be human with your partner will not only being you closer together, but it can also shift bad sex to good or even great sex. Why miss out?

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For further reading/research, I invite you to explore the following resources:

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WHAT THE ARTICLES DON’T TALK ABOUT

As you might imagine, I read a lot of articles about psychology and relationships. A lot! I learn new things all the time, and I find that suggestions offered for how to improve one’s relationship to be generally spot on–on paper at least, and that is where the problem is. I often think to myself, why, with all the good advice and suggestions available, why are so many still struggling to build and keep satisfying relationships? Why can’t we just take the skills we read about, apply them, and see things get better? 

Well, you can. You can take the skills and apply them and have things get better, but you can also try to apply them and have nothing change. And save for a few very honest couples therapists, not many writers will tell you this information in the selling points of their books. 

What I hope to explore in this article is not whether or not relationship books are helpful (they are), but instead what makes it difficult to implement what they suggest–obstacles that are not talked about that I see time and again in my therapy office.  For brevity, I have included just a few of these, but the list is by no means exhaustive.

MARIJUANA: I am no teetotaler! I think that there are many ways to get through a day, but of course some of these ways can hurt as much as they help, and this is why it is critical to make choices that work for our health and relationship as well as our mental well-being. Pot can be problematic because it affects each individual differently, but what I see consistently are two effects: it causes disconnection; and it narrows our window of tolerance over time. 

In layman’s terms, when one partner is on pot and the other is not, there can be a gap in communication and connection, but usually only the sober partner recognizes this, making it difficult to be heard or acknowledged. Additionally, the partner using pot is more easily triggered into feeling attacked, and may have less capacity to self-regulate or respond in a caring way. 

Working with couples like this is always a challenge because I want to be careful to not shame the partner who uses pot, but it is important to call out areas where it is not working vs. areas where it is. Unless a couple is willing to have this conversation, then they will resort to trying to change one another, to no avail. 

STEROIDS: I read  a number of articles about the effects of hard drugs, alcohol abuse, and prescription meds on relationships, but I have yet to find anything about the effects of steroid use on communication and conflict management. I suspect this is because steroid use is most common among gay men these days, meaning it is not considered a mainstream issue. But as someone who has gay male couples coming into my office, I know that I am not imagining the problem. 

Steroid use, like marijuana, affects everyone differently, and there are generalizations about their use that do not apply universally. One of these generalizations is the idea of “roid rage”, which suggests that steroids make the user angrier and more reactive. While this does not always show up, I can attest to struggling with clients’ reactivity where one or both are using steroids to increase muscle mass. 

Usually the work reaches a speedbump that is difficult to get over, and they will stop coming. As a therapist, I cannot make anyone, or even tell them, to stop using steroids, or any other substance, but I will comment on what is happening in the room and ask if this reactivity increases when they are on a cycle of the drugs. I feel this is the best I can do, and it is up to the clients to decide what is more important to them. I assure them that it is normal to have competing values, and while it is not always easy to choose between one or another, it is even more difficult to successfully reach opposing goals. 

DIFFERENCES IN HOW CONSENT IS EXPERIENCED: (I intend to write a longer article about this in the future, but it warrants inclusion in this newsletter due to my recent realization of its importance.) When it comes to socks, it may be “one size fits all”, but that is not the case with subjective experiences of consent. Men and women are told different stories of what consent is, with men often hearing that “as long as they don’t say no, it is a yes!”, and women hearing  a version of “you have an obligation to keep your partner happy”. True consent is rarely present in either story, and therein lies the problem with “one size fits all” approaches to it that are often suggested in print. 

I have found in my work with couples that agreements around consent are different in every relationship, and therefore it must be discussed. For many reasons, they usually are not discussed, causing issues with sexual satisfaction and frequency, silent resentments, trust, safety, and more. A couples’ failure to talk about consent stems from either cultural assumptions or ignorance, both of which can be remedied for the benefit of their sex life. 

Reading about consent is good, but often not good enough. A book cannot tell you about any negative conditioning you or your partner may have personally been exposed to in the past that interferes with true consent. Books that I have read suggest that willingness be present in any sexual situation, but what if you have never felt truly willing in a sexual situation? Willingness is easier if you feel you have the power to say no, but if not, can one truly give consent?

If you are having trouble with consent in your relationship, or any of the other issues I wrote about, I strongly suggest seeking out the help of a qualified couples and sex therapist–your relationship, satisfaction, and safety may depend on it!

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SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

Love can influence us to do all kinds of crazy things, can’t it? In the best case scenario, love motivates us to move outside our comfort zones into areas that feed emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical development. And in the worst case it can fuel our desire to hurt, injure, or destroy another, or even ourselves.

I am particularly interested in love when it causes couples to marry, because married couples, often those who are no longer “drunk” on love, are the majority of my therapy clients. They enter my office feeling betrayed by love and by each other, wondering if they can ever trust their feelings again.

How can love, such a welcoming and powerful host, “abandon” us once we accept its enticing invitation? How is it that love can, over time, peel back the illusion to reveal a partner who is not who we thought they were?

Well, it is my assertion that love does not do these things, rather, it is our conditioned way of thinking about love that creates these thoughts. Real love, when practiced regularly, does not sneakily reveal uncomfortable truths about our partner. It instead can show us layers we did not know were there–levels of history and experience that continue to be molded and reinterpreted. Real love reveals not lies or flaws, but vulnerability, which is essential to creating closeness, trust, and safety.

What does this have to do with whether or not a couple should marry? It has everything to do with it! Couples have the option of marrying for reasons that, over time, either work or don’t work, but I notice they often find themselves in the latter position, sadly. Fortunately this outcome is preventable. There are a lot of different reasons why a couple “should” get married, but I intend to highlight the one reason I have found that leads couples to real love over time.

***

Remember that “new love” feeling? The endless energy and interest, the aliveness, the skin that feels extra sensitive, the mouth that tastes more, the eyes that see brighter colors. That is a fantastic feeling, but the truth is that it ain’t love! It is real, just not real love. It is the powerful process of bonding, and all the feelings that go along with that, without which we might never find a mate.

Many successful marriages have used these feelings as reason enough to wed, and to be honest, they can result in a successful marriage over time. But it is not the feelings that created success; it was the couple’s willingness to move past them into differentiation, and eventually, genuine interest in, and respect for, each other’s differences.

What motivates that interest and respect? Well, if you think about your own life, what is it that makes you interested in someone? Usually, we are drawn to those whom we admire, find attractive, are curious about, who make us laugh or stimulate us intellectually. We are also drawn to people around whom we feel good about ourselves.

So if it ain’t love, then what might we call this feeling that bounces between individuals? I call it potential.

We feel the potential of what we can become, individually and together, how alive we can feel, and how much we want to be engaged with another and the world. Couples sometimes choose to marry because of this potential, only to see it wilt on the vine after a number of years. This does not always mean they should not have married. The feeling of potential is not an illusion, but it also not a guarantee of outcome. Potential leads to nothing unless action is regularly taken on it.

What I will assert is that feelings of new love invite us to experience the potential of a better self, but what ultimately determines if we should or shouldn’t marry is whether or not we accept, and then act on, that invitation.

***

You know how, if you were lucky, your parents used to make you feel like the most important person in the world? You weren’t that, of course, but it sure felt good to be treated this way. What your parents were inviting you to experience was your potential, believe it or not. You thought you were the most important person in the world, whereas they thought that you could be.

Regarding adult relationships, new love also makes us feel like the most important person in the world for a time, but in reality it is an invitation to become something more. More what? More loving, more patient, more fun, more spontaneous, more compassionate, more understanding. more passionate, more sexual, more curious, more humble.

The reason this invitation is so enticing is because when we succeed in becoming more of these things, we are living “the good life”. One definition of the good life I like is that it is “having better problems” (Thank you, Mark Manson). A more romantic definition of it is that in the good life we are better versions of ourselves.

If you are in a relationship where you hate how you are showing up, you have a choice: you can work on the relationship or you can get out of it. Working on the relationship, with the skilled guidance of a trained couples therapist, will reveal if the relationship is a good or bad fit. The good news is that most relationships are a good fit, the partners just don’t know where they fit together. It is in the coming together where our potential can be acted upon and realized.

And this brings us back to the most important reason, in my mind, why one should get married to their partner. Because being with them constantly inspires you to be better. This reason supersedes sexual attraction (which can fade) and compatibility (which is a myth). If you find a person whose very presence in your life challenges and motivates you to be better, every day, who inspires you to be the version of yourself your potential has always hinted at, then marry them. That is not just a commitment to another, it is also a commitment to living a good life.

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THE HUDDLE

I am not a big sports fan, which is odd considering how I regularly bring up “huddles” in my couples therapy sessions. But when I do this, I assure you we are not really talking about football or soccer! What we are talking about is teams, specifically how a team wins, and the huddle, which I will discuss in this article, is a key element in any team’s approach to winning. 

We didn’t used to think of couples in a relationship as a team–the individuals were more like employees in the same company, but each in charge of different departments. In the old days, men made the money and doled out discipline to the children, while women managed home and child care. While this worked at times to keep a home and family going, both men and women suffered because individual needs were not part of the overall plan (this is why so many men got individual needs met outside the marriage, while women would take sedatives). 

Today, we have mostly moved beyond that stilted and misogynistic model, forging a new version of what home and family looks like and how they can thrive. Many of the relationship experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, have stressed that today’s couples have to work like a team rather than as co-employees. I want to explore what that means for couples, and why it is beneficial to them both as a couple and as an individual . Are you ready? Hut, hut, HIKE! 

WHAT IS A HUDDLE? I’ll be honest with you–I had to look this one up. While there is the definition I use with couples, I thought I should at least verify that what I tell them is accurate before writing an article about it! So here is how Webster’s defines a huddle as applied to football: 

huddle: to gather away from the line of scrimmage to receive instructions (as from the quarterback) for the next down

What does this definition tell us about huddles? That they are a gathering away from where the action is happening in order to make a plan for how to move forward. In this definition, the instructions come from the quarterback, but in a relationship all members act as quarterbacks. I will add to this the  purpose of making this plan–to win the game by getting closer to, and ultimately over, the goal line.

One main question addressed in a huddle is: “What do we do next?” Maybe the team starts by identifying what did not work previously, but there is little time for pointing fingers or blame–the focus is on what’s next! In other words, let’s look briefly at what didn’t work and then decide what might work now. The team does not get distracted by anything that could pull them away from their main objective: to win. And, judging by their continued use by football and soccer teams worldwide, huddles work. 

WHY DO THEY WORK? In his book In Each Other’s Care, Dr. Stan Tatkin says the following about relationship success:

“People make their relationship difficult when they do not orient to a two-person psychological system full of collaboration and cooperation. That lack of a two-person orientation is at the center of all difficulty in couple unions.”

What is another name for a two-person psychological system? A team! There may not be as many members in a relationship team as there are on a sports team, but the point is that the rules work across the board. Here is my understanding of these rules:

  1. The needs of the team supersede the needs of the individual members: The team (relationship) always comes first.
  2. The blame game and defensiveness serve no purpose other than to stop forward movement: Avoid blame and defensiveness. 
  3. If you want your team to win, the individual members must be strong and care for their individual development: Be accountable for what’s yours. 
  4. If one person messes up the plan, the whole team suffers; if one person succeeds, the whole team benefits: You either win or lose together as a team. 
  5. The focus is on what to do next to gain or re-gain ground, always with the intention of winning: The important question to explore is “How can we do better next time? What does our relationship need to thrive?”

What I love about huddles is that they are quick and purposeful–no need to talk until 4 in the morning! They work because they focus on what did work and what will work next. Can you imagine if that was the priority in the conversations you have with your partner(s)? 

HOW TO DO HUDDLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: One of the biggest challenges couples therapists face is how to get their clients to use the skills they develop in sessions at home. In fact, John Gottman wrote about this nearly 25 years ago in his book The Marriage Clinic, describing how only about 35% of couples who do therapy experience meaningful positive changes, but after only a year, 30-50% of these couples relapse into the old patterns. 

Given that, the challenge I face is two-fold:

  • Making a tool or skill appealing to couples so they will use it
  • Looking for any emotional obstacles to using the tool or skill (a topic for a whole article in itself)

Regarding the appeal of huddles, I approach this challenge by first looking for times when a couple is already doing them without knowing they are doing them. Any instance when we have been pressed for time and have to make a decision quickly is an instance where we have likely used the huddle, quickly exploring these things: 

  1. What do we currently know?
  2. What do we need to do right now?
  3. How are we doing to do it?

When decisions need to be made quickly, there is little time for blame, regret, or criticism! You come together and make a plan to get back on track as soon as possible–this is a version of the huddle! Bringing awareness to, and reinforcing, behaviors you are already doing successfully is one way to ensure a tool will be used outside the therapy room. 

Secondly, I spend some time exploring how good it feels for couples on the other side of the huddle–when they have their new direction and are headed there together, connected. Emphasizing how the outcome will feel good is a powerful way to motivate us to do something difficult. Without a desirable  sense of reward, couples will not use the tools, period. 

Lastly, it is my job to look for anything in a client’s history or relationship dynamic that will get in the way of them practicing new skills. This could be resentments, past trauma, depression, or lack of commitment to the relationship. If one or more of these factors are identified, I will either do individual work with them in the couples session, schedule an individual session apart from the couples work, or refer them to outside individual therapy. This is critical! If the obstacle is not addressed and removed, the work will atrophy at home. 

***

Here is the secret I hope my clients will experience for themselves: doing huddles at home is fun! Or at least it can be. I recommend practicing them on everyday situations where there is no anger or resistance. Then you will be ready when the stakes are higher. As an example, let’s say that you are going to the movies, but when you get to the theater the film you want to see is sold out. You could do a quick huddle to decide what to see instead by using the three questions:

  1. What do we currently know? What movies are there still tickets for and when do they start?
  2. What do we need to do right now? Save the evening! Choose an alternate movie and buy tickets, or go somewhere else. 
  3. How are we doing to do it? Agree on a film we have not seen and both want to see, and laugh off the fact that we did not get tickets beforehand. 

When you are dealing with a heavier issue or conflict, using the same process can actually lighten the weight, ensuring that partners stay regulated and connected. When regulated and connected, couples can get to the other side of any problem. 

Remember, if you don’t make it something that you both enjoy or benefit from, you will not do it–so imagine how you will feel towards each other when you have successfully navigated a difference in this way. I think anyone can agree that this feeling is preferable to anger, resentment, and hurt! And just like the sports teams that huddles, practice, practice, practice. 

Huddle up!

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THE VALUE OF REJECTION

Photo by Miguel Á. Padriñán

No! This is one word that most of us hate hearing (and sometimes have a hard time saying!). But why is that? What is threatening about being denied what we want, ask for, or need? And what makes it difficult to say “no” to others at times?

Clients often tell me they don’t like rejection, making me curious to know what they mean by “rejection”. A quick Google search defines rejection as the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc. When put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I don’t think this is the type of rejection that most people avoid, however, instead it is the type that feels like a dismissal of them, not just their proposal or idea.

I explored this with a client recently, where a rejection of physical affection from his spouse left him feeling like she found him disgusting and revolting. This was not the case, actually. In reality, he was feeling insecurities he had carried for a long time. They were triggered by her rejection. How does this happen? Should partners never reject requests from one another, and avoid being rejected by the same? Is it really better to live in a world of “yeses”? Can rejection have benefits for a relationship? Is there such as thing a “healthy rejection”?

THERE NEEDS TO BE ROOM FOR “NO”: Our culture has gone through enough shifts in the past several decades that one could get whiplash trying to keep up with the changes! We have gone from celebrating individuality to nesting relationships to insisting that all children have an equal experience in life to marginalizing kids who are gender non-conforming. What are we going for here? Well, it depends on who is in charge, or who is hoping to be in charge, it would seem.

Relationships are not immune from the cultural shifts, and this is why I work with couples to ensure they are making mindful, conscious choices about what does and does not work for the relationship. One of these key choices is whether or not there is room for “no”, or rejection, between them. Why is this important to decide?

It is important simply because rejection is an unavoidable part of life, whether you are single or with a partner. Even if you live alone in the woods, there are times when nature will tell you “NO!”. This is not a problem for those who have been raised securely with a sense of healthy interdependence, boundaries, and a focus on resilience. But for those who missed out on one or more of these elements, a no can feel like abandonment or parental rejection.

This is why parents are strongly encouraged to not give their children everything they ask for when they ask for it, in order to not protect them from all disappointment or sadness. This is not cruel, it is parenting, which is not just keeping your children alive, but also preparing them to be healthy adults.

ENCOURAGES HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: Why is there so much importance placed on boundaries? Are they good or bad for us? Our confusion over this can be seen not just in relationships, but also in our national immigration policies!  This is because what is good for one may not be good for another.

So what then is a healthy boundary? It is setting a limit or a line that benefits both the individual and the relationship, not just the person setting the boundary. Boundaries give us information about what someone can and cannot live with, so it is essential that partners are capable of accepting that some of their behaviors will be rejected by the other. 

Parents have the job of setting boundaries that protect their children and teach them that there are limits and agreements that go along with living with, and around, others. Not yelling “FIRE” in a crowded theater is a sort of boundary that most of us accept without thinking too much about it, because we know that we all benefit from respecting this boundary.

A boundary is a form of rejection simply because it tells someone “no” regarding certain behavior or words. A healthy boundary is a respectful way to say “no”! We could not function very well in relationship without information about the other’s limits! Healthy boundaries protect and support the relationship, banning actions that could weaken a couples’ connection or trust. When used this way, rejection and acceptance go hand in hand to serve and strengthen relationships.

EXPOSES NEEDS THAT WON’T BE MET: Boundaries take care of the individual, but they can also serve to take care of the relationship, as I have discussed in other articles. They do this by identifying, and protecting, needs that are not necessarily going to be noticed or attended to.  Rejection is the process through which one lets another know what boundaries they cannot, or will not agree to.  Rejection can be seen as a boundary response to a boundary.

What your partner can and cannot agree to is vital information to know! While it can feel as though rejection is not loving, another way of looking at it is that, when done respectfully (discussed more below), it can be one of the most loving things we can do! This is because it encourages 1) practicing honesty with each other, and 2) trusting that your partner can hear and handle a “no” response.

Without any room for rejection, partners in a relationship will never really know what needs are not going to be met, because most likely these needs won’t even be expressed! Without that knowledge, how can we make decisions about whether we should get the needs met elsewhere?

I once read a useful approach to relationship needs, which said that we place too many of them on our partners, when many of these needs could be met either by ourselves or by an outside person. The book, The All Or Nothing Marriage, breaks relationship needs into three categories:

  • Needs we can only meet through our partner
  • Needs that we can meet through partner or other
  • Needs that we can meet through partner, other, or ourselves

It is healthy to diversify our needs, because this keeps the relationship from carrying all the weight, helps us to not be completely reliant and learn how to take care of ourselves, and also encourages outside engagements. Rejection, along with acceptance, are the tools we need to do this.

HOW TO DO IT WELL: Fortunately, there is a very easy way to express rejection. You simply have to do it respectfully. This means that rejection cannot be a judgement of the other person or their interests, merely a rejection of them. An example would be:

  • Wrong Way: “No, I don’t want to go to that movie with you–you have terrible taste in films!”
  • Better Way: “No thank you, I would rather not go because I am not really interested in seeing this film. Let me know if it is any good!”

A respectful rejection succeeds because it does not discourage others from making suggestions. A judgmental rejection will cause someone to think twice about making a request in order to avoid feeling badly about themselves. Respectful rejections are easier to give for those who have worked on having compassion, gratitude, humility, patience, and empathy, since these are elements that foster curiosity of others instead of fear.

Conversely, receiving rejection can take a bit more work to get better at. If you are triggered into feeling badly about yourself every time someone tells you “no”, it is important to work with a good therapist to look for any negative beliefs you may have. Any rejection, even a respectful one, can trigger a person’s negative belief about themselves, such as “I am not interesting”, or “Nobody likes me.” If these are not dealt with, you will do anything to avoid rejection, including becoming a people-pleaser. Your relationship will not thrive.

Ultimately, the ability to respectfully give and receive rejection is a matter of emotional maturity and development. A relationship that allows for acceptance and rejection will be more authentic and free of resentment and secrecy. Rejection is your way of simply saying “no”: setting a boundary around what you can or cannot accept. If you truly value honesty in your relationship, make sure you can say “no” to each other. You will come to see that rejection, rather than being an unpleasant thing, is really just the other side of acceptance–and that you can’t have one without the other!

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WHAT CAN YOU COUNT ON?

It feels as though there is less and less we can count on these days, doesn’t it? I don’t know if that is true or not, but I do notice that everyone seems to be looking for solid ground anywhere they can find it (including me!). We look for it in our jobs, our families, our homes, our religion (or lack of), and our relationships. And yet sometimes it feels like no matter what we grab onto, our fingers soon slip off and we find ourselves untethered yet again.

The good news is that this is often only our perception–and it is certainly not the whole story. Perception pretty much makes up our realities, doesn’t it? A great deal of my work with clients is talking about what exactly “solid ground” is, and what it isn’t. And what we usually find out, together, is that not only is solid ground never perfectly solid, but that it doesn’t even have to be to hold us up. 

With that in mind, this article looks at three examples of solid ground–things you can count on, and how to access and utilize them to help you though the constant change and uncertainties that surround us. 

TRUST: I start with Trust because it comes up in nearly all the work I do as a psychotherapist. Everybody wants to feel it, but it seems slippery, elusive. It’s as if you can’t even trust trust! But I say that the problem with trust is not trust itself, but what people expect from it–they are often asking for something that trust cannot provide: guarantees. 

Trust cannot deliver guarantees because it is not based solely on facts--there are elements of belief and faith in it. Beliefs are decisions we make, about how to think and feel about things, that do not have to be based on fact. We often make them for the simple reason  that they help us feel safe and secure. Here are some examples of beliefs:

  • I believe that I will wake up tomorrow morning.
  • I believe that the Earth will keep turning.
  • I believe in Santa Claus, or God, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 

So why would I bring up trust as something that you can count on? Because you can count on it if it is applied in a way that honors it not as something based in truth, but instead based on an agreement. 

Stan Tatkin, who I often reference in my articles, offers a great example of how to best build and utilize trust in a relationship. He says that it while most of us trust that our partner(s) will put our own needs before theirs, this is a misuse of trust, because how can we believe that someone, even someone who loves us, would always set their needs aside to meet ours? While you can’t count on the other putting your needs first at all times, you can count on them always putting the relationship needs first.

This type of trust makes sense, because when someone puts relationship needs first, ideally they are also getting their needs met as an individual. (A relationship can thrive only if the individuals also thrive.)

For example, if a couple decide that the relationship needs them to be sexually exclusive with one another, that could benefit the individual by keeping them safe from outside emotional entanglements, surprise pregnancies, and even STDs. This example can also help each individual to become more curious about their own, and their partner’s, evolving erotic and sexual needs, leading to a varied and rich sexual experience rather than easy, familiar pleasure with an outside lover. 

To summarize, when all individuals in a relationship agree to put the relationship needs first, they are building a trust that they can count on because, when applied, it benefits everyone in the relationship.

I have used this approach with couples coming in about an infidelity. What they are doing to solve the problem usually does not work because it is one person trying to get the other to agree to something they are not invested in as an individual.  Trusting that your partner won’t cheat on you only works if that is an agreement you are both willing to commit to 100%, as Stan suggests. Otherwise one is relying on trust to do something they need to be doing for themselves: being a partner who is not cheated on!

YOURSELF: I am a big fan of Immanuel Kant and his philosophy of life. Mark Manson wrote a fun article about this philosophy that explains why it is important, but if you want my understanding of it, here is it:

Relying on something outside of yourself for moral guidance will let you down–the most reliable gauge you have is yourself. You consistently commit to, and act on, a moral code not because someone tells you how you should live your life, but because you have concluded for yourself that this is best way for you to live your life. 

That conclusion is based on what is important to you–your values, and that importance will keep you driving in your self-painted lane. Another way of putting it is that you figure out, through observation and trial and error, what works for you. And what works for you depends on where you are going, what direction you are headed, what you are up to in life. 

I bring this into this article because you always have yourself–even when outside supports fail you. If you foster your inner wisdom, your intuitive knowing, it will be a resource that you can count on no matter what happens. 

I bring this up with clients who come in struggling with unresolved resentments towards others. It is not always advisable to confront those who have hurt us in the past, but the good news is that we don’t need to confront them, we can heal within ourselves by applying compassion. Compassion will never let you down, unlike some of the people in our lives. 

In your relationship, you can apply this reliance on yourself in a way that benefits you as an individual, AND the relationship. When you do so, when you stay committed to you your values , and you don’t have to get the response you want from your partner in order to stay on your moral course. This can have a very powerful and positive effect on your life, your partner, and on the relationship!

SELF-REGULATION: What is best for you is not always best for your partner, and that is okay sometimes. This means that at times you will be upset with them and they won’t be able to soothe that upset. You will be well prepared for these inevitable disappointments if you have the ability to self-regulate. 

What is self-regulation? What it is not is being in a state of perfect calm when you find yourself in an upsetting position. As human beings, it is acceptable and appropriate to have feelings and get upset; self-regulation just means that you are able to feel your feelings and still talk about them. This requires that both your left (rational) brain and your right (feeling) brain remain online and available to you.

When we become dysregulated, we lose access to our left thinking brain and just react from our needs and feelings. This process serves to protect us, but in our relationship conflicts it usually is not helpful! We are in “fight or flight” and our number one priority is protecting ourselves. We see our partner as our enemy, not as a loved one, and disconnection from one another is imminent. 

Self-regulation is one of the core elements of emotional maturity, and requires that we have the ability to stop our brain from going into fight or flight. We might use our breath, we might take a “time-out” to go for a walk or get a glass of water, or any number of ways to get our left brain working for us again. You might work with a qualified trauma therapist to resolve past negative experiences. Working on your capacity to self-regulate will keep you from relying on your partner to do this for you.

When you know that you can take care of yourself when necessary, and that you can depend on yourself when you can’t depend on others, you may notice that it is easier to be in the world. This can lessen feelings of resentment toward a partner who is not currently available to comfort or soothe you, giving you a better chance of resolving conflict and reconnecting.

Self-regulation is a skill that can turn a reactive person into a response-able adult. And we can develop this skill on our own if we did not get it growing up, so the questions is: “How badly do you want to show up as a wise, functioning adult?”

(Read more about self-regulation: Three Tips to Regulate Your Emotions)

***

I hear all the time that “the world is getting scarier”. While that may be hard to verify factually, we do “feel what we feel”, and I notice that the current fears have to do with a sense of powerlessness and lack of control, among other things. 

Given that, it is easy to understand why we want something we can count on! It can be too easy to lean on empty structures or quick fixes simply because they look like they will support us, but for long-term emotional well being, it is essential that we find strategies that we can trust. 

The strategies I offer in this article are all based in you, which is what makes them more reliable and accessible than outside support systems. Outside support is great, but rather than having it be the primary support, let it be supplementary. That way, as long as you have you, you will never be without! And this approach will make you a better partner, friend, and family member, since you will be more likely to give, than take, in your relaitonships. 

All you are doing is giving yourself a gift that should have been given to you. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for it any longer! 

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IS PORN OKAY?

We all have ways to “get through the day”, don’t we? But I notice that some coping behaviors are more acceptable in relationships than others. One that seems to cause problems on a regular basis is the use of pornography.

I chose to write about porn, finally, because the topic comes up almost universally at some point in couples work. Why is it such a divisive issue? Why is it often seen as a form of betrayal, or a sign that one’s attraction for their spouse has decreased or disappeared, when other individual interests don’t trigger these reactions?

Porn, like many things tied to human sexuality, can be misunderstood and simplified, but it is my opinion that the use of it represents a lot more than just “a way to get off”. Not that there is anything wrong with that! I just think that it is more likely that porn, like many coping mechanisms, is often a salve for unmet emotional needs by being an outlet for our fantasy lives.  The fantasy is just the vehicle, though, not the final destination. In other words, porn is a means, not an end in itself. 

This should be reassuring to those who see porn as a threat to their relationship’s sex life, since it suggests that porn is not actually a substitute for sex!

What needs, then, might porn be helping the viewer attend to? And why is sexual fantasy an effective way to do this? How can the threat of porn be dismantled in relationships and instead embraced and accepted as an individual or joint exercise toward relational satisfaction and individual development? How can we embrace porn viewing as a healthy means to an end? 

WHERE IT CAME FROM AND WHY: Sexual imagery has always existed, from the earliest time that humans were able to create drawings or write words. One definition of the word pornography suggests that it originally depicted, through words and drawings, the life of prostitutes. Since the many definitions are not consistent with one other, there is not just one story of its history. But most will agree that in order to be considered pornographic, the words and/or images have to be illegal or illicit, as opposed to any culturally accepted erotic material. This can get confusing, of course–as in the recent disagreement over whether the Statue of David is art or pornography. 

Some form of sexual imagery has been around forever, though the functions of such imagery have changed over time. It is for this reason that I want to focus on the purpose(s) it serves today, in modern sexuality and relationships, and what happens when it is the cause of conflict between relationship partners. 

GOOD OR BAD? RIGHT OR WRONG? IT DEPENDS: In my work with couples, I avoid using the words good, bad, right, or wrong. I do this so that I am not imposing any moral judgements on the actions of my clients. What I personally think about their actions is none of their business, unless they are a danger to themselves or another. But what they think about themselves is definitely my business, since this is often the internal conflict bringing them into my office!

In order to create a non-judgmental space where we can explore problematic behaviors and move towards understanding, compassion, and a plan for change, I focus simply on whether the behaviors are working or not working for the client. How do I do this? Well, I let them tell me! What I have found is that this determination depends on clients’ values: what is important to them and what gives their lives meaning.

There is a therapeutic saying that goes like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.” If we apply this approach to porn, then the following question will come up when it is presented as a problem: Does your porn usage have a negative impact on your health, work, finances, or relationships? A “yes” answer in any of these areas of impact lets me know that, in that area or areas, porn is not working for them, and we have to take a deeper look. 

The bottom line is that in order to do my work, I have to set aside any moral judgement and find out what matters to the clients, and what is getting in the way of them moving towards that. But if you want my personal opinion, here it is. Porn is not bad or wrong, it is instead a way to feel connected–to our sexuality, to our aliveness, to our eroticism, to sex, to ourselves, to another. It is a way to connect to the moment when our head is spinning from the workday. It is a way to connect to a fantasy world where we are not old or sick or tired. It is a way to connect to our imagination. It is all these things, and more.

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For clients who report that it does not work for them in their relationships, I have to first find out what meaning each partner assigns to it so I know what the real conflict is (porn as the vehicle, not the destination). For example, a user might be watching porn in order to connect to their own erotic life. This can happen after an illness or surgery, after giving birth, or during a period of grief or depression. They might also be using it to find out more about their sexuality or sex in general–we are often not even sure what turns us on! 

Next, I look for areas where the couple is actually fighting for the same thing—shared values obscured by conflict. This is not as hard as it sounds. Who doesn’t want to feel any one of the connections I listed two paragraphs up? Where there is conflict about porn usage, the work is about helping the couple to talk about, and understand, differences,  so they don’t feel threatened by what is not familiar to them or not what they like. 

Finally, I help them to find a compromise that involves the relationship winning rather than one individual or the other. Any successful compromise will ask that each partner be willing to give up some of what they want so that they both win. This is why I have previously written about the importance of putting the relationship first–if you don’t, then you will fight to win rather than to connect. 

A compromise like this will increase closeness because it requires that couples talk to one another to increase mutual understanding of differences, which often reveals that they are not that different after all. Though porn may not be a familiar vehicle for some, some of the needs it meets are universal to all of us. A recognition of this commonality can turn fear, judgement, and resentment into compassion, understanding, and closeness. 

HOW TO NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT PORN: If porn is a way to feel alive, sexy, desirable, and vibrant, then it is good to know that it is not the only way! In a society where sex and self-pleasure are often associated with shame and guilt, it is my opinion that porn provides a safe way to avoid the finger-pointing of others–this is why it is usually viewed in private. Porn does not have to be a private enterprise–but the use of it is not usually celebrated publicly. It may be seen as a weakness, or a guilty secret. 

But if you don’t want to be shamed for something, it helps to not engage with it shamefully! This is why I encourage couples to bring the topics of sex, sexuality, sensuality, turn-ons, and turn-offs into their discussions together. One of the great benefits of creating a relationship together is that it is an opportunity to create your own personal culture, and if you grew up in a sex-shaming community, you don’t have to carry that legacy into your own home. The irony is that when couples are willing to talk to each other about their needs, it strengthens what many call “traditional family values”: commitment, fidelity, and trust! 

So whether you use porn or not, my recommendation is that you learn how to talk to your partner about your inner erotic world. Sharing porn preferences with one another is only one way to express turn-ons, but not the only way. A skilled couples and sex therapist can help you to navigate these conversations, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to your partner: “I want to be able to talk to you about sex and desire, but I don’t know how and I feel shame even brining it up.”

Sometimes the best first step is admitting, and expressing, what is going on with you in the moment. Remember that sharing vulnerability invites shared vulnerability. This is how a relationship is nurtured. 

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I am encouraged seeing the reduction of the stigma attached to porn, due primarily to its increased availability online–no longer do magazines have to be hidden under the bed and in closets! I have hope that this accessibility motivates couples to more openly discuss topics that used to be considered private. The reason for doing so is this gives our partners valuable information about the activities, fantasies, words, and thoughts that take us out of our heads and into our bodies and pleasure centers. While our private inner world will always be a place to enjoy oneself in acts of self-pleasure, there are valid and enticing reasons today for inviting a loved one inside to join you: heightened pleasure, trust, connection, and discovery. 

Ethically produced porn itself is neither good nor bad–it depends on the meaning assigned to it. If porn is a problem for you in your relationship, start by questioning the purpose it serves you or your partner, and asking if that purpose fulfills not only the user’s needs, but also the needs of the relationship. If the answer to the latter question is “yes”, then by all means, press “PLAY”!