Category: marriage

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HOW MY THINKING CHANGED ABOUT STAN TATKIN

“Who the hell is Stan Tatkin?”, you might be asking. Those who have been in therapy with me will be familiar with the name, as I often bring up his writing regarding love and relationships. I even share an excerpt his publishers provides from his latest book, In Each Others’ Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, because of how helpful I feel the suggestions are for couples. I admire his writing style, intelligence, compassion, and knowledge about what the human brain does when it is in a relationship with another. 

However, I did not always have such high praise for Dr. Tatkin. I used to have a completely different opinion of him and his work. In this article I want to show how, as I gained experience as a couples therapist, he earned my respect, despite my continuing disagreements with some of his practice policies. I hope that in this time of polarization, my story will serve to show the value of both humility in professional growth, and willingness to change one’s mind given new information. 

***

Several years ago I attended a conference for therapists who work with couples. This was before the COVID pandemic, when these were held in person, and they were a great way to connect with other professionals, learn new skills, and get out of town for a weekend. Dr. Tatkin was doing several presentations during the conference, as his profile as a well-known published author and speaker is significant, and his presence on the roster can influence people to attend. 

After one of his talks, he was available to sign books in the lobby, and I took the opportunity to ask him a question about his work with couples. As a “narrative” therapist (one who works with the stories clients have about themselves, others, and the world), I wanted to know if he would ever confront a couple about the “story” they had about their relationship. I wondered if he would ever explore if the story they had was in fact the problem–that it was not working for who they are as a couple. For instance, it might be a problem if a couple has a story that the man is supposed to provide for the household when in fact the woman earns the money.

He listened to my question respectfully, but answered me by saying: “No, I would never do that. I would just tell them to grow up.” I remember being stunned by his answer, but trying not to let that show. Instead, I thanked him for his time, and I wandered away from his table. 

This happened years ago, but for a long time I harbored the thought that Dr. Tatkin must be one of those therapists who has been working for so long that he has lost compassion for the couple he treats. It can happen! For years I held this negative view of him, and it allowed me to convince myself that I must know better. Yep, I have an ego!

***

Being a therapist is one of those careers that, in my opinion, requires a certain level of not just curiosity and compassion, but also humility, patience, and respect for the work. It asks that we take care of ourselves so that we can bring our full skills and caring abilities into sessions. It demands that we do our own work to minimize becoming reactive when clients anger us or get angry at us. 

Was Dr. Tatkin, in his response to me, displaying a lack of patience or reactivity for clients’ suffering, or was he perhaps letting me know that, in his work, compassion could look like confrontation? At the time I was convinced it was the former, and I remember hearing stories over time about his couples work that reinforced how I thought about this. 

But then I myself worked for several more years, seeing couples in my own private practice. And along the way, I kept hearing more and more from Dr. Tatkin online in articles, videos, and discussions about the books he had completed and the work he does. What I began to struggle with is that the intelligent, empathic person he presented as in his videos and interviews was nothing like the harsh convention speaker I encountered at the book signing all those years ago. 

I began to consider the idea that none of us are ever just one thing. Sometimes we are patient, sometimes we are not, sometimes we are caring, sometimes we are less so. As human beings, we hope to respond skillfully to whatever shows up around us, but that is not always the case, is it? Therapists are supposed to be better at this than most, but better does not mean perfect. 

Life, even when we love it, can still be stressful at times, or we can just be tired. And careers, even when they are our passion, can tire us out or feel unsatisfying at times. Like all human beings, Stan Tatkin was neither an asshole or a saint. Like all of us, he could be both and everything in between. And this is when I started to listen to him more closely.

***

His most recent book, which I mentioned above, speaks loudly to me because of a few guidelines that he refuses to compromise on. I summarize them below:

  1. The needs of your relationship must ALWAYS come first.
  2. Love is not enough. Every relationship must define their shared purpose and vision. 
  3. Agreements that you make together serve as guardrails to keep your relationship from running off the road. These agreements MUST be 100% agreed to by all parties, or they will fail. 

In the recent trend of nurturing psychotherapy, clients can end up being coddled more than cared for. Sometimes the best way to care for anyone is to hold them accountable for who they are being, and support their efforts to be a better version of themselves. A therapist’s role can be more than listener–they can also be mentor, advocate, witness, and challenger. 

Dr. Tatkin’s guidelines hold partners accountable for the health and wellbeing of the relationship, so they can no longer blame each other or outside forces. Imagine how powerful that can be–to not have any excuses for why you are not happy other than your choices and responses! This does not mean that if someone is abusing you, you are the cause of it. But you are accountable for your response to it, and your response can change your life (or save it!). 

I believe that these guidelines need to be firmly followed, because it is natural for us to be selfish in life, concerned primarily about our individual needs. Even motherhood does not shift this very much–caring for a child has a selfish element to it.  I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with natural selfishness like this, but it may not be in the best interest of the relationship. 

In placing the needs the relationship first, you ensure not only that it thrives, but that you also thrive as an individual! One individual win usually ends up being a loss for both partners, so why not go for the win-win?

Your shared purpose and vision can be thought of as your relationship’s Mission Statement, guiding you down a shared path together, a path that can be changed at any time by both parties. Another way of putting this is that your relationship can only grow if you are both moving towards the same values. 

Agreements act as guardrails to keep you on that path, and Dr. Tatkin stresses that caring partners will agree to hold each other accountable in a non-blaming way if one starts to veer off the road. Why wouldn’t we agree to do this for each other if we both have a vested interest in the continuation of the relationship? 

***

In this article I have just given you a taste of what I have found of value in Dr. Tatkin’s work, and if your curiosity was piqued, I encourage you to read his books or watch his webinars and videos. Modern relationships cannot thrive by following the rules of the past, unless you are content with the narrowness of that kind of life together. Today’s complex marriages need guidelines that respect modern values and respond to them. This is how, over time, I grew to respect Dr. Tatkin’s approach to the work. He is on a mission to make relationships strong and secure, and coddling won’t achieve that goal. 

I still don’t know if he is an asshole or not, but aren’t we all assholes from time to time? What I am certain of is that he is onto something that benefits anyone who takes the time to follow his lead. Today’s relationships need more than love–they need intention, follow-through, and shared accountability. This is what it means to be in each other’s care. And it turns out that new was right when he answered me way back when, because for some couples, being in each other’s care means they have to sort of grow up. 

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CAREER OR MARRIAGE?

 

Today’s marriages are not the same as marriages 50 years ago. In some ways they are, of course, but what has changed is many of the dynamics between spouses: dynamics around money, power, sex, and raising a family. I notice more equanimity in marriages today, which is good news, but I also see the conflict that comes sometimes from sharing power. New opportunities create new challenges. It can often feel like a competition.

In couples therapy, this competition can reveal or trigger deep hurts and create resentments over time. Whose career gets priority? Do you have to choose between your marriage or your career? What if both are screaming for your attention?

This is why it is more important than ever to see you and your spouse as being on the same team–a team that you both want to win the game. There is a big difference between approaching a competition as a team vs. as rivals!

What I suggest is that it does not have to be a competition at all–your individual pursuits and goals can also serve the marriage as a whole, not just each of you individually. But to get to this place requires the skills of talking and listening, curiosity, compassion, and commitment to the wellbeing of your relationship. As they say, if your relationship is not thriving, neither are you. So let’s take a look at how to navigate these seemingly opposing needs.

WHY DO WE FEEL WE HAVE TO CHOOSE?: In the “olden days”, marriage was something that provided security and status to women (or a prison, depending on how you look at it), and penetrative sex to men (at least until children were born). Many marriages were part of the plan for running a farm or household, and the gender roles were clear. Men worked outside the home, women worked inside the home. Men made the money, women raised the children.

It sometimes worked, but many times it did not, primarily for women, who had little to no choice or options either in or out of a marriage. Fortunately, today’s relationships and marriages are not as restricting for the individuals in them. But you know what they say: when old problems go away, new problems appear.

Whereas in the past a major difficulty was sexual affairs outside of the marriage, today’s bigger betrayal is the threat of spouses spending too much time at work, or dealing with work at home. One’s career is the new “third person” so to speak. And the neglected spouses aren’t sure how to speak up about this since technically the other is not doing anything “wrong” by being committed to their career!

Any lack of boundaries protecting a marriage from intrusions will become a problem no matter what the intrusion is–even when it comes from within (kids and pets!). Unwanted intrusions can cause resentment, disconnection, hurt, and can also interfere with self-care, which can affect how someone feels about initiating or receiving sex.

So what gives? Why is work taking up so much more of our time than in the past? Well, some of the reasons I have noticed include:

  • Greater competition to succeed
  • Lack of respect from work an individual’s boundaries around personal time
  • Higher financial obligations and responsibilities at home
  • The ability to do work from home increases access and shortens deadlines

Beyond this, I also hear in sessions that there is some shame attached to “choosing the relationship”, and this applies to both men and women. Those who choose to prioritize their family or personal life are often seen as not being ambitious or motivated, or making a “soft” choice. This can put a lot of pressure on individuals who will report feeling pulled from both ends. This tug-of-war can turn a loving relationship into just another set of obligations that need to be met.  Not good!

WHAT WORKS BETTER: The solution to modern problems is rarely to go back to the way things were, rather, in looking forward couples can use new information and their own creativity to experiment with what works for them. We have never been in the relationship dilemma that we now face, so new ideas are required!

Let’s start first with identifying the options:

  • choose career
  • choose relationship/family
  • choose some version of both

What would you choose? There is no “right” answer, because what works for one couple might not work for another. Within one relationship, there will be times when choosing a career is necessary, while at other times choosing the relationship/family is called for. Most couples today choose a version of both, but this is often by default rather being planned out, leaving the individuals involved feeling trapped.

What I recommend is a choice that works across the board. In my work, I strive to offer couples simple approaches to complex issues, and fortunately there are a number of these that have proven track records. What I suggest for the career or relationship tug-of-war is from Stan Tatkin, who in his book In Each Other’s Care writes about the need to “put the needs of the relationship first at all times”. How is this to be applied?

When couples choose the needs of the relationship, they have the highest chance of making choices that ensures they also thrive as individuals. But the caveat is that for this to work well, it is essential that a couple have a shared vision for their relationship or marriage. Otherwise, in choosing the needs of the relationship, they may find themselves favoring different priorities.

So the first step when a couple finds themselves struggling is to create their shared vision–the direction they want to move toward together. For  example, if their shared vision is to raise a family, then their priorities should move them in that direction, whereas if their shared vision is to run a successful business together, they are likely to have different priorities.

However, a couples’ priorities are usually not so well-aligned. This is where Stan Tatkin’s approach becomes essential. Let’s say there is a couple where one individual values having a thriving career, while the other values managing a home and raising a family. In order for this couple to thrive together, they have to ask themselves, “What does the relationship need?” In other words, how can they both thrive? It is not a question of one winning and the other losing!

In this example, one approach could be that the career-minded partner choose a career that allows them to be home in the evenings and weekends. For the partner who may not be working, they might want to talk about how finances will be managed so that both partners have some spending autonomy and independence. Whatever approach they take, the guiding principle is what do we need to thrive both as a couple and as individuals? Choosing the needs of the relationship (which is made up of the individuals) ensures that this principle will take precedence.

So when faced with the choice of career or relationship, my suggestion (and Stan Tatkin’s!) is to choose the relationship, specifically, what the relationship needs.

HOW TO USE THIS FOR ANY CONFLICT: What I love about “across the board” approaches is that they can be used across the board! If you find yourself having a conflict of interests with anyone in your life, you can ask yourself, “What does this relationship need to thrive?” to identify options where you both win. Prioritizing what the relationship needs avoids elevating one’s individual needs over another’s. The relationship becomes primary.

I have written about other “across the board” approaches, such as my favorite: “What would Love do?”, and the beauty of these questions is that they lead one to actions and choices based in compassion, humility, kindness, and wisdom.

Modern life offers us the option of choosing our own priorities rather than having them imposed upon us by society, culture, and family. We shouldn’t  have to suffer because we choose one priority over another. You can have both career and relationship satisfaction as long as you find a balance that allows you, your partner, and your relationship to thrive.

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WHAT THE ARTICLES DON’T TALK ABOUT

As you might imagine, I read a lot of articles about psychology and relationships. A lot! I learn new things all the time, and I find that suggestions offered for how to improve one’s relationship to be generally spot on–on paper at least, and that is where the problem is. I often think to myself, why, with all the good advice and suggestions available, why are so many still struggling to build and keep satisfying relationships? Why can’t we just take the skills we read about, apply them, and see things get better? 

Well, you can. You can take the skills and apply them and have things get better, but you can also try to apply them and have nothing change. And save for a few very honest couples therapists, not many writers will tell you this information in the selling points of their books. 

What I hope to explore in this article is not whether or not relationship books are helpful (they are), but instead what makes it difficult to implement what they suggest–obstacles that are not talked about that I see time and again in my therapy office.  For brevity, I have included just a few of these, but the list is by no means exhaustive.

MARIJUANA: I am no teetotaler! I think that there are many ways to get through a day, but of course some of these ways can hurt as much as they help, and this is why it is critical to make choices that work for our health and relationship as well as our mental well-being. Pot can be problematic because it affects each individual differently, but what I see consistently are two effects: it causes disconnection; and it narrows our window of tolerance over time. 

In layman’s terms, when one partner is on pot and the other is not, there can be a gap in communication and connection, but usually only the sober partner recognizes this, making it difficult to be heard or acknowledged. Additionally, the partner using pot is more easily triggered into feeling attacked, and may have less capacity to self-regulate or respond in a caring way. 

Working with couples like this is always a challenge because I want to be careful to not shame the partner who uses pot, but it is important to call out areas where it is not working vs. areas where it is. Unless a couple is willing to have this conversation, then they will resort to trying to change one another, to no avail. 

STEROIDS: I read  a number of articles about the effects of hard drugs, alcohol abuse, and prescription meds on relationships, but I have yet to find anything about the effects of steroid use on communication and conflict management. I suspect this is because steroid use is most common among gay men these days, meaning it is not considered a mainstream issue. But as someone who has gay male couples coming into my office, I know that I am not imagining the problem. 

Steroid use, like marijuana, affects everyone differently, and there are generalizations about their use that do not apply universally. One of these generalizations is the idea of “roid rage”, which suggests that steroids make the user angrier and more reactive. While this does not always show up, I can attest to struggling with clients’ reactivity where one or both are using steroids to increase muscle mass. 

Usually the work reaches a speedbump that is difficult to get over, and they will stop coming. As a therapist, I cannot make anyone, or even tell them, to stop using steroids, or any other substance, but I will comment on what is happening in the room and ask if this reactivity increases when they are on a cycle of the drugs. I feel this is the best I can do, and it is up to the clients to decide what is more important to them. I assure them that it is normal to have competing values, and while it is not always easy to choose between one or another, it is even more difficult to successfully reach opposing goals. 

DIFFERENCES IN HOW CONSENT IS EXPERIENCED: (I intend to write a longer article about this in the future, but it warrants inclusion in this newsletter due to my recent realization of its importance.) When it comes to socks, it may be “one size fits all”, but that is not the case with subjective experiences of consent. Men and women are told different stories of what consent is, with men often hearing that “as long as they don’t say no, it is a yes!”, and women hearing  a version of “you have an obligation to keep your partner happy”. True consent is rarely present in either story, and therein lies the problem with “one size fits all” approaches to it that are often suggested in print. 

I have found in my work with couples that agreements around consent are different in every relationship, and therefore it must be discussed. For many reasons, they usually are not discussed, causing issues with sexual satisfaction and frequency, silent resentments, trust, safety, and more. A couples’ failure to talk about consent stems from either cultural assumptions or ignorance, both of which can be remedied for the benefit of their sex life. 

Reading about consent is good, but often not good enough. A book cannot tell you about any negative conditioning you or your partner may have personally been exposed to in the past that interferes with true consent. Books that I have read suggest that willingness be present in any sexual situation, but what if you have never felt truly willing in a sexual situation? Willingness is easier if you feel you have the power to say no, but if not, can one truly give consent?

If you are having trouble with consent in your relationship, or any of the other issues I wrote about, I strongly suggest seeking out the help of a qualified couples and sex therapist–your relationship, satisfaction, and safety may depend on it!

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SHOULD YOU GET MARRIED?

Love can influence us to do all kinds of crazy things, can’t it? In the best case scenario, love motivates us to move outside our comfort zones into areas that feed emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical development. And in the worst case it can fuel our desire to hurt, injure, or destroy another, or even ourselves.

I am particularly interested in love when it causes couples to marry, because married couples, often those who are no longer “drunk” on love, are the majority of my therapy clients. They enter my office feeling betrayed by love and by each other, wondering if they can ever trust their feelings again.

How can love, such a welcoming and powerful host, “abandon” us once we accept its enticing invitation? How is it that love can, over time, peel back the illusion to reveal a partner who is not who we thought they were?

Well, it is my assertion that love does not do these things, rather, it is our conditioned way of thinking about love that creates these thoughts. Real love, when practiced regularly, does not sneakily reveal uncomfortable truths about our partner. It instead can show us layers we did not know were there–levels of history and experience that continue to be molded and reinterpreted. Real love reveals not lies or flaws, but vulnerability, which is essential to creating closeness, trust, and safety.

What does this have to do with whether or not a couple should marry? It has everything to do with it! Couples have the option of marrying for reasons that, over time, either work or don’t work, but I notice they often find themselves in the latter position, sadly. Fortunately this outcome is preventable. There are a lot of different reasons why a couple “should” get married, but I intend to highlight the one reason I have found that leads couples to real love over time.

***

Remember that “new love” feeling? The endless energy and interest, the aliveness, the skin that feels extra sensitive, the mouth that tastes more, the eyes that see brighter colors. That is a fantastic feeling, but the truth is that it ain’t love! It is real, just not real love. It is the powerful process of bonding, and all the feelings that go along with that, without which we might never find a mate.

Many successful marriages have used these feelings as reason enough to wed, and to be honest, they can result in a successful marriage over time. But it is not the feelings that created success; it was the couple’s willingness to move past them into differentiation, and eventually, genuine interest in, and respect for, each other’s differences.

What motivates that interest and respect? Well, if you think about your own life, what is it that makes you interested in someone? Usually, we are drawn to those whom we admire, find attractive, are curious about, who make us laugh or stimulate us intellectually. We are also drawn to people around whom we feel good about ourselves.

So if it ain’t love, then what might we call this feeling that bounces between individuals? I call it potential.

We feel the potential of what we can become, individually and together, how alive we can feel, and how much we want to be engaged with another and the world. Couples sometimes choose to marry because of this potential, only to see it wilt on the vine after a number of years. This does not always mean they should not have married. The feeling of potential is not an illusion, but it also not a guarantee of outcome. Potential leads to nothing unless action is regularly taken on it.

What I will assert is that feelings of new love invite us to experience the potential of a better self, but what ultimately determines if we should or shouldn’t marry is whether or not we accept, and then act on, that invitation.

***

You know how, if you were lucky, your parents used to make you feel like the most important person in the world? You weren’t that, of course, but it sure felt good to be treated this way. What your parents were inviting you to experience was your potential, believe it or not. You thought you were the most important person in the world, whereas they thought that you could be.

Regarding adult relationships, new love also makes us feel like the most important person in the world for a time, but in reality it is an invitation to become something more. More what? More loving, more patient, more fun, more spontaneous, more compassionate, more understanding. more passionate, more sexual, more curious, more humble.

The reason this invitation is so enticing is because when we succeed in becoming more of these things, we are living “the good life”. One definition of the good life I like is that it is “having better problems” (Thank you, Mark Manson). A more romantic definition of it is that in the good life we are better versions of ourselves.

If you are in a relationship where you hate how you are showing up, you have a choice: you can work on the relationship or you can get out of it. Working on the relationship, with the skilled guidance of a trained couples therapist, will reveal if the relationship is a good or bad fit. The good news is that most relationships are a good fit, the partners just don’t know where they fit together. It is in the coming together where our potential can be acted upon and realized.

And this brings us back to the most important reason, in my mind, why one should get married to their partner. Because being with them constantly inspires you to be better. This reason supersedes sexual attraction (which can fade) and compatibility (which is a myth). If you find a person whose very presence in your life challenges and motivates you to be better, every day, who inspires you to be the version of yourself your potential has always hinted at, then marry them. That is not just a commitment to another, it is also a commitment to living a good life.