accountability – Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals

June 4, 2024

WHAT THE ARTICLES DON’T TALK ABOUT

As you might imagine, I read a lot of articles about psychology and relationships. A lot! I learn new things all the time, and I find that suggestions offered for how to improve one’s relationship to be generally spot on–on paper at least, and that is where the problem is. I often think to myself, why, with all the good advice and suggestions available, why are so many still struggling to build and keep satisfying relationships? Why can’t we just take the skills we read about, apply them, and see things get better?

Well, you can. You can take the skills and apply them and have things get better, but you can also try to apply them and have nothing change. And save for a few very honest couples therapists, not many writers will tell you this information in the selling points of their books.

What I hope to explore in this article is not whether or not relationship books are helpful (they are), but instead what makes it difficult to implement what they suggest–obstacles that are not talked about that I see time and again in my therapy office. For brevity, I have included just a few of these, but the list is by no means exhaustive.

MARIJUANA: I am no teetotaler! I think that there are many ways to get through a day, but of course some of these ways can hurt as much as they help, and this is why it is critical to make choices that work for our health and relationship as well as our mental well-being. Pot can be problematic because it affects each individual differently, but what I see consistently are two effects: it causes disconnection; and it narrows our window of tolerance over time.

In layman’s terms, when one partner is on pot and the other is not, there can be a gap in communication and connection, but usually only the sober partner recognizes this, making it difficult to be heard or acknowledged. Additionally, the partner using pot is more easily triggered into feeling attacked, and may have less capacity to self-regulate or respond in a caring way.

Working with couples like this is always a challenge because I want to be careful to not shame the partner who uses pot, but it is important to call out areas where it is not working vs. areas where it is. Unless a couple is willing to have this conversation, then they will resort to trying to change one another, to no avail.

STEROIDS: I read a number of articles about the effects of hard drugs, alcohol abuse, and prescription meds on relationships, but I have yet to find anything about the effects of steroid use on communication and conflict management. I suspect this is because steroid use is most common among gay men these days, meaning it is not considered a mainstream issue. But as someone who has gay male couples coming into my office, I know that I am not imagining the problem.

Steroid use, like marijuana, affects everyone differently, and there are generalizations about their use that do not apply universally. One of these generalizations is the idea of “roid rage”, which suggests that steroids make the user angrier and more reactive. While this does not always show up, I can attest to struggling with clients’ reactivity where one or both are using steroids to increase muscle mass.

Usually the work reaches a speedbump that is difficult to get over, and they will stop coming. As a therapist, I cannot make anyone, or even tell them, to stop using steroids, or any other substance, but I will comment on what is happening in the room and ask if this reactivity increases when they are on a cycle of the drugs. I feel this is the best I can do, and it is up to the clients to decide what is more important to them. I assure them that it is normal to have competing values, and while it is not always easy to choose between one or another, it is even more difficult to successfully reach opposing goals.

DIFFERENCES IN HOW CONSENT IS EXPERIENCED: (I intend to write a longer article about this in the future, but it warrants inclusion in this newsletter due to my recent realization of its importance.) When it comes to socks, it may be “one size fits all”, but that is not the case with subjective experiences of consent. Men and women are told different stories of what consent is, with men often hearing that “as long as they don’t say no, it is a yes!”, and women hearing a version of “you have an obligation to keep your partner happy”. True consent is rarely present in either story, and therein lies the problem with “one size fits all” approaches to it that are often suggested in print.

I have found in my work with couples that agreements around consent are different in every relationship, and therefore it must be discussed. For many reasons, they usually are not discussed, causing issues with sexual satisfaction and frequency, silent resentments, trust, safety, and more. A couples’ failure to talk about consent stems from either cultural assumptions or ignorance, both of which can be remedied for the benefit of their sex life.

Reading about consent is good, but often not good enough. A book cannot tell you about any negative conditioning you or your partner may have personally been exposed to in the past that interferes with true consent. Books that I have read suggest that willingness be present in any sexual situation, but what if you have never felt truly willing in a sexual situation? Willingness is easier if you feel you have the power to say no, but if not, can one truly give consent?

If you are having trouble with consent in your relationship, or any of the other issues I wrote about, I strongly suggest seeking out the help of a qualified couples and sex therapist–your relationship, satisfaction, and safety may depend on it!

November 7, 2023

THE HUDDLE

I am not a big sports fan, which is odd considering how I regularly bring up “huddles” in my couples therapy sessions. But when I do this, I assure you we are not really talking about football or soccer! What we are talking about is teams, specifically how a team wins, and the huddle, which I will discuss in this article, is a key element in any team’s approach to winning.

We didn’t used to think of couples in a relationship as a team–the individuals were more like employees in the same company, but each in charge of different departments. In the old days, men made the money and doled out discipline to the children, while women managed home and child care. While this worked at times to keep a home and family going, both men and women suffered because individual needs were not part of the overall plan (this is why so many men got individual needs met outside the marriage, while women would take sedatives).

Today, we have mostly moved beyond that stilted and misogynistic model, forging a new version of what home and family looks like and how they can thrive. Many of the relationship experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, have stressed that today’s couples have to work like a team rather than as co-employees. I want to explore what that means for couples, and why it is beneficial to them both as a couple and as an individual . Are you ready? Hut, hut, HIKE!

WHAT IS A HUDDLE? I’ll be honest with you–I had to look this one up. While there is the definition I use with couples, I thought I should at least verify that what I tell them is accurate before writing an article about it! So here is how Webster’s defines a huddle as applied to football:

huddle: to gather away from the line of scrimmage to receive instructions (as from the quarterback) for the next down

What does this definition tell us about huddles? That they are a gathering away from where the action is happening in order to make a plan for how to move forward. In this definition, the instructions come from the quarterback, but in a relationship all members act as quarterbacks. I will add to this the purpose of making this plan–to win the game by getting closer to, and ultimately over, the goal line.

One main question addressed in a huddle is: “What do we do next?” Maybe the team starts by identifying what did not work previously, but there is little time for pointing fingers or blame–the focus is on what’s next! In other words, let’s look briefly at what didn’t work and then decide what might work now. The team does not get distracted by anything that could pull them away from their main objective: to win. And, judging by their continued use by football and soccer teams worldwide, huddles work.

WHY DO THEY WORK? In his book In Each Other’s Care, Dr. Stan Tatkin says the following about relationship success:

“People make their relationship difficult when they do not orient to a two-person psychological system full of collaboration and cooperation. That lack of a two-person orientation is at the center of all difficulty in couple unions.”

What is another name for a two-person psychological system? A team! There may not be as many members in a relationship team as there are on a sports team, but the point is that the rules work across the board. Here is my understanding of these rules:

The needs of the team supersede the needs of the individual members: The team (relationship) always comes first.
The blame game and defensiveness serve no purpose other than to stop forward movement: Avoid blame and defensiveness.
If you want your team to win, the individual members must be strong and care for their individual development: Be accountable for what’s yours.
If one person messes up the plan, the whole team suffers; if one person succeeds, the whole team benefits: You either win or lose together as a team.
The focus is on what to do next to gain or re-gain ground, always with the intention of winning: The important question to explore is “How can we do better next time? What does our relationship need to thrive?”

What I love about huddles is that they are quick and purposeful–no need to talk until 4 in the morning! They work because they focus on what did work and what will work next. Can you imagine if that was the priority in the conversations you have with your partner(s)?

HOW TO DO HUDDLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: One of the biggest challenges couples therapists face is how to get their clients to use the skills they develop in sessions at home. In fact, John Gottman wrote about this nearly 25 years ago in his book The Marriage Clinic, describing how only about 35% of couples who do therapy experience meaningful positive changes, but after only a year, 30-50% of these couples relapse into the old patterns.

Given that, the challenge I face is two-fold:

Making a tool or skill appealing to couples so they will use it
Looking for any emotional obstacles to using the tool or skill (a topic for a whole article in itself)

Regarding the appeal of huddles, I approach this challenge by first looking for times when a couple is already doing them without knowing they are doing them. Any instance when we have been pressed for time and have to make a decision quickly is an instance where we have likely used the huddle, quickly exploring these things:

What do we currently know?
What do we need to do right now?
How are we doing to do it?

When decisions need to be made quickly, there is little time for blame, regret, or criticism! You come together and make a plan to get back on track as soon as possible–this is a version of the huddle! Bringing awareness to, and reinforcing, behaviors you are already doing successfully is one way to ensure a tool will be used outside the therapy room.

Secondly, I spend some time exploring how good it feels for couples on the other side of the huddle–when they have their new direction and are headed there together, connected. Emphasizing how the outcome will feel good is a powerful way to motivate us to do something difficult. Without a desirable sense of reward, couples will not use the tools, period.

Lastly, it is my job to look for anything in a client’s history or relationship dynamic that will get in the way of them practicing new skills. This could be resentments, past trauma, depression, or lack of commitment to the relationship. If one or more of these factors are identified, I will either do individual work with them in the couples session, schedule an individual session apart from the couples work, or refer them to outside individual therapy. This is critical! If the obstacle is not addressed and removed, the work will atrophy at home.

***

Here is the secret I hope my clients will experience for themselves: doing huddles at home is fun! Or at least it can be. I recommend practicing them on everyday situations where there is no anger or resistance. Then you will be ready when the stakes are higher. As an example, let’s say that you are going to the movies, but when you get to the theater the film you want to see is sold out. You could do a quick huddle to decide what to see instead by using the three questions:

What do we currently know? What movies are there still tickets for and when do they start?
What do we need to do right now? Save the evening! Choose an alternate movie and buy tickets, or go somewhere else.
How are we doing to do it? Agree on a film we have not seen and both want to see, and laugh off the fact that we did not get tickets beforehand.

When you are dealing with a heavier issue or conflict, using the same process can actually lighten the weight, ensuring that partners stay regulated and connected. When regulated and connected, couples can get to the other side of any problem.

Remember, if you don’t make it something that you both enjoy or benefit from, you will not do it–so imagine how you will feel towards each other when you have successfully navigated a difference in this way. I think anyone can agree that this feeling is preferable to anger, resentment, and hurt! And just like the sports teams that huddles, practice, practice, practice.

Huddle up!

September 5, 2023

THE VALUE OF REJECTION

No! This is one word that most of us hate hearing (and sometimes have a hard time saying!). But why is that? What is threatening about being denied what we want, ask for, or need? And what makes it difficult to say “no” to others at times?

Clients often tell me they don’t like rejection, making me curious to know what they mean by “rejection”. A quick Google search defines rejection as the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc. When put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I don’t think this is the type of rejection that most people avoid, however, instead it is the type that feels like a dismissal of them, not just their proposal or idea.

I explored this with a client recently, where a rejection of physical affection from his spouse left him feeling like she found him disgusting and revolting. This was not the case, actually. In reality, he was feeling insecurities he had carried for a long time. They were triggered by her rejection. How does this happen? Should partners never reject requests from one another, and avoid being rejected by the same? Is it really better to live in a world of “yeses”? Can rejection have benefits for a relationship? Is there such as thing a “healthy rejection”?

THERE NEEDS TO BE ROOM FOR “NO”: Our culture has gone through enough shifts in the past several decades that one could get whiplash trying to keep up with the changes! We have gone from celebrating individuality to nesting relationships to insisting that all children have an equal experience in life to marginalizing kids who are gender non-conforming. What are we going for here? Well, it depends on who is in charge, or who is hoping to be in charge, it would seem.

Relationships are not immune from the cultural shifts, and this is why I work with couples to ensure they are making mindful, conscious choices about what does and does not work for the relationship. One of these key choices is whether or not there is room for “no”, or rejection, between them. Why is this important to decide?

It is important simply because rejection is an unavoidable part of life, whether you are single or with a partner. Even if you live alone in the woods, there are times when nature will tell you “NO!”. This is not a problem for those who have been raised securely with a sense of healthy interdependence, boundaries, and a focus on resilience. But for those who missed out on one or more of these elements, a no can feel like abandonment or parental rejection.

This is why parents are strongly encouraged to not give their children everything they ask for when they ask for it, in order to not protect them from all disappointment or sadness. This is not cruel, it is parenting, which is not just keeping your children alive, but also preparing them to be healthy adults.

ENCOURAGES HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: Why is there so much importance placed on boundaries? Are they good or bad for us? Our confusion over this can be seen not just in relationships, but also in our national immigration policies! This is because what is good for one may not be good for another.

So what then is a healthy boundary? It is setting a limit or a line that benefits both the individual and the relationship, not just the person setting the boundary. Boundaries give us information about what someone can and cannot live with, so it is essential that partners are capable of accepting that some of their behaviors will be rejected by the other.

Parents have the job of setting boundaries that protect their children and teach them that there are limits and agreements that go along with living with, and around, others. Not yelling “FIRE” in a crowded theater is a sort of boundary that most of us accept without thinking too much about it, because we know that we all benefit from respecting this boundary.

A boundary is a form of rejection simply because it tells someone “no” regarding certain behavior or words. A healthy boundary is a respectful way to say “no”! We could not function very well in relationship without information about the other’s limits! Healthy boundaries protect and support the relationship, banning actions that could weaken a couples’ connection or trust. When used this way, rejection and acceptance go hand in hand to serve and strengthen relationships.

EXPOSES NEEDS THAT WON’T BE MET: Boundaries take care of the individual, but they can also serve to take care of the relationship, as I have discussed in other articles. They do this by identifying, and protecting, needs that are not necessarily going to be noticed or attended to. Rejection is the process through which one lets another know what boundaries they cannot, or will not agree to. Rejection can be seen as a boundary response to a boundary.

What your partner can and cannot agree to is vital information to know! While it can feel as though rejection is not loving, another way of looking at it is that, when done respectfully (discussed more below), it can be one of the most loving things we can do! This is because it encourages 1) practicing honesty with each other, and 2) trusting that your partner can hear and handle a “no” response.

Without any room for rejection, partners in a relationship will never really know what needs are not going to be met, because most likely these needs won’t even be expressed! Without that knowledge, how can we make decisions about whether we should get the needs met elsewhere?

I once read a useful approach to relationship needs, which said that we place too many of them on our partners, when many of these needs could be met either by ourselves or by an outside person. The book, The All Or Nothing Marriage, breaks relationship needs into three categories:

Needs we can only meet through our partner
Needs that we can meet through partner or other
Needs that we can meet through partner, other, or ourselves

It is healthy to diversify our needs, because this keeps the relationship from carrying all the weight, helps us to not be completely reliant and learn how to take care of ourselves, and also encourages outside engagements. Rejection, along with acceptance, are the tools we need to do this.

HOW TO DO IT WELL: Fortunately, there is a very easy way to express rejection. You simply have to do it respectfully. This means that rejection cannot be a judgement of the other person or their interests, merely a rejection of them. An example would be:

Wrong Way: “No, I don’t want to go to that movie with you–you have terrible taste in films!”
Better Way: “No thank you, I would rather not go because I am not really interested in seeing this film. Let me know if it is any good!”

A respectful rejection succeeds because it does not discourage others from making suggestions. A judgmental rejection will cause someone to think twice about making a request in order to avoid feeling badly about themselves. Respectful rejections are easier to give for those who have worked on having compassion, gratitude, humility, patience, and empathy, since these are elements that foster curiosity of others instead of fear.

Conversely, receiving rejection can take a bit more work to get better at. If you are triggered into feeling badly about yourself every time someone tells you “no”, it is important to work with a good therapist to look for any negative beliefs you may have. Any rejection, even a respectful one, can trigger a person’s negative belief about themselves, such as “I am not interesting”, or “Nobody likes me.” If these are not dealt with, you will do anything to avoid rejection, including becoming a people-pleaser. Your relationship will not thrive.

Ultimately, the ability to respectfully give and receive rejection is a matter of emotional maturity and development. A relationship that allows for acceptance and rejection will be more authentic and free of resentment and secrecy. Rejection is your way of simply saying “no”: setting a boundary around what you can or cannot accept. If you truly value honesty in your relationship, make sure you can say “no” to each other. You will come to see that rejection, rather than being an unpleasant thing, is really just the other side of acceptance–and that you can’t have one without the other!

March 14, 2023

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

I was recently blown away while watching the limited HULU series Fleishman Is In Trouble. Beyond the terrific script and fantastic acting, the premise of the show appealed to me because it explored marriage. The marriages depicted in the series were not what one would call “good marriages”, though they had their positive points. They were instead quite problematic, not because the spouses were ill-matched, but because they lost track of their intention for getting married in the first place.

All of the main characters have a moment in the series where they ask themselves: “How did I get here?”, as though some unseen force has had control over the path their lives have taken. Truth is, that is how life can feel sometimes, right? We can easily be pulled into the busy-ness of our daily routines: working, raising a family, running a home; and marriages can suffer as they drop down our list of priorities.

The good news is that this is not how it has to go. But in order to avoid this outcome, each individual in a relationship has to take some action to make sure they are not going down an unintended road. In this article, I look at a few ways that can be useful in charting a course in your marriage or relationship so that you don’t one day find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”

MAKE A PLAN: If you have ever owned or run a business, it is hard to imagine doing so successfully without some sort of “mission statement”. A mission statement gives a company direction, so that they can regularly check if they are headed where they want to go–if they are up to what they want to be up to. There are many elements that can make up mission statements, but I want to focus on three that are key to not just businesses, but also interpersonal relationships: purpose, vision, and values.

If all you did was discuss these three elements with your partner, you would still be ahead of many couples who get married only for the reason that they “are in love”. Being in love has an end date–it is designed that way because it’s purpose is to bond two people together–it is not sustainable as a long-term state of being. (For those of you who disagree with me and feel that you are still “in love” in your long-term relationship–great! I am speaking specifically about the “symbiosis” or early bonding stage.)

(For more on why the being in love stage cannot last, you can read THIS)

Shared purpose ensures that you have an intention for being together that will motivate you to put in effort; shared vision gives you a future to aspire to both as a couple and as individuals; and shared values keep you connected when struggling with differences that threaten the relationship. While these elements may not feel important in the early stages, that is precisely the time when they are essential to building a solid foundation between the two of you–a foundation that can withstand some shaking!

The Gottman Institute has a concept they call the Sound Relationship House, that suggests that the “getting to know one another” stage is where couples lay the support for difficult times. But getting to know each other has to include understanding each other’s inner worlds more than their outer interests–because this information will let you know where their triggers and sensitivities lie. Without this knowledge, couples tend to react to one another in conflict rather than respond, causing disconnection, distrust, and resentments. So build your foundation!

CHECK IN AND ADJUST AS NEEDED: Continuing with our building metaphor, nobody questions homeowners who do regular maintenance in order to keep their house standing strong. Relationships can greatly benefit from similar levels of routine assessment–just check in! Walls in a home can “settle” over time, and in a relationship, the walls that hold it together can also settle or get weak. Agreements made ten years ago don’t necessarily apply to who you are today–successful relationships make adjustments over time to better accommodate the both individuals and the relationship.

But how can couples today, who have to check in on so many things, keep their relationships the top priority? The answer is simple: be mindful. Pay attention to yourself and to each other and you stand a chance of noticing when cracks in the walls appear. Mindfulness is not just for individual well-being, it also promotes relationship well-being by using attention, gratitude, and curiosity to maintain vitality in your shared life. Time goes slower, in a good way, when we are paying attention to what is happening in the moment. Though we can’t do this 24/7, we can have the intention to return to the moment whenever we notice that we have left it.

For couples who work with me, I like to offer practical and realistic ways to embrace these ideas so they can turn into action. A simple way to do this, though it may take discipline to put into rotation, is to have a regularly scheduled “state of the union” talk with each other where the phones are off and you are both showing up for each other, willingly and by agreement. What do you talk about in these check-ins? Here are some suggestions:

start with appreciations for the “little things” you may have noticed
talk about current “turn-ons” and “turn-offs”, not just sexually but also life in general
discuss any unresolved conflicts that need to be revisited
share your dreams with each other
make a plan regarding new and upcoming stressors so they don’t throw you off track
share new self-discoveries with each other, both those about yourself and those you have noticed about your partner
review agreements that are not working well and adjust if needed
end with appreciation for taking this time together

I guarantee that if you regularly have these talks in your relationship, which can be done in 15-20 minutes when you got it down, you will be less likely to find yourself one day asking the question: “How did we get here?”

USE “THE GAUGE”: When you are doing routine maintenance on your car, you may notice that it “runs smoothly”, and you don’t have to feel anxious every time you drive it. While car warning systems help us out when it comes to letting us know about problems, relationships don’t come with indicator lights that tell us something needs attention. So what can we use as a gauge to make sure that our relationships run smoothly?

Painful experiences don’t always mean that something is wrong, so we need a more accurate measure of relationship health than whether we are happy or sad. I have found one gauge that works every time, as long as it is co-created and maintained by both individuals, and that is your relationship vision.

Your relationship vision is the answer to the question: “Why are you together?” Couples who exist based only on the fact that were attracted to each other may find their foundation struggling to withstand the shaking of a conflict. A vision of your life together, your purpose for marrying (if you are married), is the “mission statement” that motivates couples to work through differences and hurt feelings. So when you find yourself “not feeling yourself” in your relationship, you can ask, “Am I still moving towards our vision?”

When you regularly check in with each other, amidst the busy-ness of life and family and work, imagine you are “checking the map” on your journey to make sure you are headed in the direction you both want to go. It’s the couples who get caught up in other things at the cost of each other who may one day find themselves asking “How did we get here?”

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A couple’s shared vision does not have to be grandiose or earth-shifting, in fact it works better if it is not, and is instead reachable, meaningful, and personal. Here are some examples of how elegant and simple a shared vision can be:

to raise a family
to make a home together
to become a part of a community (religious, cultural, etc.)
to build a stable, secure life
to share a creative journey

And my personal favorite:

to become the best versions of ourselves

People don’t end relationships because they fall out of love with one another, they end them because they don’t like who they have become–definitely not a better version of themselves! By using your shared vision as a gauge, you will keep yourselves on track, even if that includes minor detours or side trips along the way (not every journey needs to be a straight line!).

The good news is that a shared vision can change over time, as a couple’s values change and grow. The vision is an extension of your values, which are an expression of what is most important to you–what matters.

I suggest that you do brief check-ins at least a couple times a month, and you can ask any or all of these questions:

How are we doing?
How are you doing?
How do we feel about our relationship?
Is there anything getting in our way right now?”

By committing to this act of mindfulness, you will be on the road to a life that nourishes you both and helps keep you going despite the occasional (and inevitable) potholes, so that one day you can look at each other and declare: “We know exactly how we got here!”

March 10, 2020

HOW TO STOP BLAME

I wish that blame worked–I really do. It would be so nice to just point the finger at another person and make them responsible for all our problems and woes, wouldn’t it? I find it interesting that blame is the basic premise of many religions and most politics, and yet if you look into it carefully you will find that it does not really accomplish anything, other than making people feel badly about themselves. Blaming another is like pushing the dirt around the house–it moves the problem around but does not get rid of it.

So why do so many couples continue to use blame when difficulties come up in a relationship? Why do we continue to rely on something that so clearly does not work?

In order to answer these questions we need to look to the brain and understand how it works to keep us safe in the world. If we can understand more about why we engage in behaviors that do not work, then we have a chance of stopping them and making new choices. But first we have to explore why we blame in the first place…

WHY WE BLAME: We often feel threatened when our partner is upset with us. Their upset sends a message to our brain that something is wrong and that we need to protect ourselves. But do we? The reality is that in any relationship partners will get upset with one another. The helpful response when this happens, which I often have to teach couples, is to show interest in what is bothering the other, curiosity at what role, if any, we have played in generating the upset, and empathy towards their feelings.

What we usually do instead is defend against what they are telling us, or counter-attack to negate their right to be upset at us. Naturally, neither of those responses work, and yet couples do them all the time! They do them because they do work in one way: they create distance between us and the person who is upset with us.

This is what couples need to know about the brain–it seeks to protect itself from threats. When it detects them, it often activates the amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the brain within the temporal lobe, that among other tasks is in charge of deciding what to do when we are threatened. The amygdala has three responses to choose from: fight, flee, or freeze, and you don’t need me to tell you how these don’t work during conflict!

Blaming the other for our upset, or as a response to one’s upset, is a way to protect ourselves. This is why we do it.

WHY BLAME DOES NOT WORK: The problem is that blaming the other does not work. And the reason it does not work is because it creates distance from our partner, when closeness is what is needed when we are upset. (Conflict is one of the most important elements in healthy relationships, because when done well it results in greater closeness.) Closeness heals emotional wounds, while distance just covers them up.

Blame does more than just create distance, however. It can also cause the internalization of shame. When we blame someone for something, we are making them the cause of it, not just the trigger. And when someone feels as though they caused harm to a loved one, they naturally feel bad–but when blamed they feel badly about themselves rather than the behavior.

When blamed, we internalize the shame of behaving poorly and this gets in the way of repairing the damage–in fact the opposite usually happens where we avoid repair. Our goal at this time is to distance ourselves in any way from the bad feelings we have for ourselves.

Additionally this pattern of blame creates and strengthens unhealthy boundaries in the relationship, where we either make the other responsible for what we feel, or take responsibility for another’s feelings. Either version leads to resentment and guilt.

DO THIS INSTEAD–BE ACCOUNTABLE: What’s the difference between blame and accountability? Sometimes small adjustments in our way of thinking about things can result in big changes in how we live. Fortunately, the distinction between blame and accountability is in how we think about responsibility in our minds. Let’s look at the difference.

Accountability inspires action, blame inspires denial and shame. This is because accountability is about one’s behavior, while blame is about one’s character. Accountability works with what you can control (what you do or say), while blame assumes that you cannot change who you are. Accountability is looking for a description of how things came to be, while blame is looking for a cause of why things happened.

When the focus is on description, we have a chance of understanding the underlying factors in our behavior and choices, whereas when we are made the cause, the exploration hits a dead end. If you are labeled “bad”, there is little that can be done–this is why blame is useless if your goal is change. We all behave badly at times, but that does not make us a bad person any more than good behavior makes us “good”. We are complex beings who behave in a variety of ways for a variety of reasons, and if we want to have some choice in how we behave then it helps to look deeper, even if that is painful.

Accountability works in relationship because it keeps the focus on our own behavior (what we can control) rather than our partner’s (what we can’t control). It allows us the chance to regularly check in with our values and see if our behavior is aligned with them. And finally, since accountability avoids shame, we stand a better chance at repairing the situation with the person who was hurt by our behavior. When you feel badly about yourself you avoid repair. When you feel badly about your behavior you seek it out.

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There is an old saying that whenever you find yourself pointing your finger at another person, turn it back around toward yourself. There is good intention in that saying, but it is misguided in that you want to avoid blaming yourself as much as others. Instead, when you point the finger at yourself, think of it as turning blame around. Ask yourself, “What was my contribution to the problem?”, and “What was the effect of my actions?”

Questions like these will go a long way toward changing the way we think about behavior that hurts another, and a long way toward how we think about repair. And as your way of thinking and your behavior changes, you might just start to notice that conflicts with a loved one result in both a better feeling about yourself, and feeling closer to each other. Instead of you both losing when blame is assigned, accountability offers you both a win-win.