I was hesitant to write about this topic in a newsletter format because there is so much to say about it, nonetheless I am taking the challenge because it is important to address. In this article I hope to give a brief overview of common sexual satisfaction issues as a way to both normalize problems that can feel shameful, and also to encourage further research for readers. For the latter purpose I have included some additional resources at the end of the article.
Everyone has had bad sex. In fact, bad sex is probably more common that great or even good sex. But what is it, exactly? What makes it bad? Do we have to accept that bad sex will sometimes happen, even in a great relationship? (Yes, we do.) And are there things that we can do to minimize how often it happens?
WHAT BAD SEX IS, AND WHAT IT ISN’T: Sometimes sex is bad just because our connection is off or the temperature is too hot in the room. There are times when bad sex is not a big deal, and couples can laugh it off and not have it be a big issue. I don’t want couples to feel that when they have bad sex (they will!) that it means there is a problem, necessarily.
But for many couples, consistent bad sex is a signal of underlying problems, so what exactly are we looking for? If we define sex as an activity that feels good, then the most basic definition of bad sex is: sex that does not feel good. While this may seem simplistic, the many reasons sex may not feel good are anything but! It may not feel good because of one of the partners, all of the partners, or even because of people who are not involved in the sex or in the room when it is happening.
I have noticed that one major reason sex may not feel good is because one or more partners are not paying attention to either their own or the other’s bodies. It is difficult to feel pleasure if we are not paying attention to the sensations we are feeling ourselves, or enjoying the sensations we are giving to another. This means that sometimes sex does not feel good not because it feels bad, but because we are not feeling it at all.
This is what I often see in my therapy office–couples who are too anxious, resentful, or feeling badly about themselves to show up in their bodies or for their partner.
(Painful sex is a different category, and not something we will explore in this article. While you might describe painful sex as bad sex, I would stick with the descriptor “painful” when referring to it. Seeing painful sex as just bad could stop someone from exploring the reasons for the pain–instead blaming themselves or their partner for “doing it wrong”, and potentially ignoring a serious health concern. Painful sex must be stopped immediately, and the pain needs to be assessed by a professional.)
THE REASONS: So going with our definition of bad sex as sex that does not feel good, let’s look at some of the most common reasons this happens.
- Relational Reasons:
- not being present with partner(s)/boredom
- lack of connection or curiosity
- lack of attraction or interest
- too much intimacy in the relationship
- lack of safety/consent (consent means being able to say no, not just yes!)
- unresolved trauma/active grief
- depression/anxiety/stress (often leads to erectile dysfunction)
- children/pets/lack of privacy
- sex as a performance-based activity
- betrayed trust/lingering resentments
- conflicting schedules/exhaustion/seeing sex as a task
- high desire/low desire couple
- Organic/Medical Reasons:
- poor hygiene
- poor health or illness (can lead to health-related erectile dysfunction)
- age/menopause (can be a cause of erectile dysfunction for men or painful intercourse for women)
- substance abuse/medications that affect sex drive/function
- pain/injury
Notice something here? There are many more relationship reasons listed than organic/medical reasons, and yet most couples will go to their doctor assuming there must be a medical solution to their sex issues before considering a relational problem!
To be clear, organic/medical reasons must be ruled out first, before assessing any relational issues. While both may be present, the organic and medical issues have to be addressed first. In some cases, such as aging, addressing them means simply acknowledging them as an issue, and then looking at how this is affecting the relationship dynamic! Though there is no “resolution” to aging, acknowledging it as a factor in sexual enjoyment/attraction/drive allows a couple to make adjustments that benefit both of them while reducing shame and blame.
For relational reasons, a qualified couples and sex therapist is the best person to help with relational issues (a well trained therapist will know when to refer you for medical evaluation). Sexual issues can bring up a lot of vulnerability, causing one to communicate them either critically or defensively with their partner. What’s needed in these moments is compassion, empathy, curiosity, and an absolute commitment to what the relationship needs in order to thrive. If you are having trouble getting there, that’s the time to consider getting some assistance.
I will often utilize sensate focus with couples in order to dial down negative thoughts and increase presence and mindfulness when couples are touching one another. It is a form of “exposure therapy” that, over time, reduces anxiety and takes the pressure off achieving any particular outcome. While it can feel as though one is “going backwards” by focusing on touch sensations only and not pleasure, I like to present it as a “reset or reboot”, where you instead restart your erotic life without the “bugs”. We do resets all the time with our diets and exercise without feeling any shame about it–because they work! They can also work for your sex life.
The bottom line is that what most people think of as bad sex is not a life sentence! While in some cases it could mean a mismatch of partners, in most cases it is a signal that something medical or relational needs to be addressed. Allowing yourself to be human with your partner will not only being you closer together, but it can also shift bad sex to good or even great sex. Why miss out?
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For further reading/research, I invite you to explore the following resources: