regulation – Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals

July 8, 2023

WHAT CAN YOU COUNT ON?

It feels as though there is less and less we can count on these days, doesn’t it? I don’t know if that is true or not, but I do notice that everyone seems to be looking for solid ground anywhere they can find it (including me!). We look for it in our jobs, our families, our homes, our religion (or lack of), and our relationships. And yet sometimes it feels like no matter what we grab onto, our fingers soon slip off and we find ourselves untethered yet again.

The good news is that this is often only our perception–and it is certainly not the whole story. Perception pretty much makes up our realities, doesn’t it? A great deal of my work with clients is talking about what exactly “solid ground” is, and what it isn’t. And what we usually find out, together, is that not only is solid ground never perfectly solid, but that it doesn’t even have to be to hold us up.

With that in mind, this article looks at three examples of solid ground–things you can count on, and how to access and utilize them to help you though the constant change and uncertainties that surround us.

TRUST: I start with Trust because it comes up in nearly all the work I do as a psychotherapist. Everybody wants to feel it, but it seems slippery, elusive. It’s as if you can’t even trust trust! But I say that the problem with trust is not trust itself, but what people expect from it–they are often asking for something that trust cannot provide: guarantees.

Trust cannot deliver guarantees because it is not based solely on facts--there are elements of belief and faith in it. Beliefs are decisions we make, about how to think and feel about things, that do not have to be based on fact. We often make them for the simple reason that they help us feel safe and secure. Here are some examples of beliefs:

I believe that I will wake up tomorrow morning.
I believe that the Earth will keep turning.
I believe in Santa Claus, or God, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

So why would I bring up trust as something that you can count on? Because you can count on it if it is applied in a way that honors it not as something based in truth, but instead based on an agreement.

Stan Tatkin, who I often reference in my articles, offers a great example of how to best build and utilize trust in a relationship. He says that it while most of us trust that our partner(s) will put our own needs before theirs, this is a misuse of trust, because how can we believe that someone, even someone who loves us, would always set their needs aside to meet ours? While you can’t count on the other putting your needs first at all times, you can count on them always putting the relationship needs first.

This type of trust makes sense, because when someone puts relationship needs first, ideally they are also getting their needs met as an individual. (A relationship can thrive only if the individuals also thrive.)

For example, if a couple decide that the relationship needs them to be sexually exclusive with one another, that could benefit the individual by keeping them safe from outside emotional entanglements, surprise pregnancies, and even STDs. This example can also help each individual to become more curious about their own, and their partner’s, evolving erotic and sexual needs, leading to a varied and rich sexual experience rather than easy, familiar pleasure with an outside lover.

To summarize, when all individuals in a relationship agree to put the relationship needs first, they are building a trust that they can count on because, when applied, it benefits everyone in the relationship.

I have used this approach with couples coming in about an infidelity. What they are doing to solve the problem usually does not work because it is one person trying to get the other to agree to something they are not invested in as an individual. Trusting that your partner won’t cheat on you only works if that is an agreement you are both willing to commit to 100%, as Stan suggests. Otherwise one is relying on trust to do something they need to be doing for themselves: being a partner who is not cheated on!

YOURSELF: I am a big fan of Immanuel Kant and his philosophy of life. Mark Manson wrote a fun article about this philosophy that explains why it is important, but if you want my understanding of it, here is it:

Relying on something outside of yourself for moral guidance will let you down–the most reliable gauge you have is yourself. You consistently commit to, and act on, a moral code not because someone tells you how you should live your life, but because you have concluded for yourself that this is best way for you to live your life.

That conclusion is based on what is important to you–your values, and that importance will keep you driving in your self-painted lane. Another way of putting it is that you figure out, through observation and trial and error, what works for you. And what works for you depends on where you are going, what direction you are headed, what you are up to in life.

I bring this into this article because you always have yourself–even when outside supports fail you. If you foster your inner wisdom, your intuitive knowing, it will be a resource that you can count on no matter what happens.

I bring this up with clients who come in struggling with unresolved resentments towards others. It is not always advisable to confront those who have hurt us in the past, but the good news is that we don’t need to confront them, we can heal within ourselves by applying compassion. Compassion will never let you down, unlike some of the people in our lives.

In your relationship, you can apply this reliance on yourself in a way that benefits you as an individual, AND the relationship. When you do so, when you stay committed to you your values , and you don’t have to get the response you want from your partner in order to stay on your moral course. This can have a very powerful and positive effect on your life, your partner, and on the relationship!

SELF-REGULATION: What is best for you is not always best for your partner, and that is okay sometimes. This means that at times you will be upset with them and they won’t be able to soothe that upset. You will be well prepared for these inevitable disappointments if you have the ability to self-regulate.

What is self-regulation? What it is not is being in a state of perfect calm when you find yourself in an upsetting position. As human beings, it is acceptable and appropriate to have feelings and get upset; self-regulation just means that you are able to feel your feelings and still talk about them. This requires that both your left (rational) brain and your right (feeling) brain remain online and available to you.

When we become dysregulated, we lose access to our left thinking brain and just react from our needs and feelings. This process serves to protect us, but in our relationship conflicts it usually is not helpful! We are in “fight or flight” and our number one priority is protecting ourselves. We see our partner as our enemy, not as a loved one, and disconnection from one another is imminent.

Self-regulation is one of the core elements of emotional maturity, and requires that we have the ability to stop our brain from going into fight or flight. We might use our breath, we might take a “time-out” to go for a walk or get a glass of water, or any number of ways to get our left brain working for us again. You might work with a qualified trauma therapist to resolve past negative experiences. Working on your capacity to self-regulate will keep you from relying on your partner to do this for you.

When you know that you can take care of yourself when necessary, and that you can depend on yourself when you can’t depend on others, you may notice that it is easier to be in the world. This can lessen feelings of resentment toward a partner who is not currently available to comfort or soothe you, giving you a better chance of resolving conflict and reconnecting.

Self-regulation is a skill that can turn a reactive person into a response-able adult. And we can develop this skill on our own if we did not get it growing up, so the questions is: “How badly do you want to show up as a wise, functioning adult?”

(Read more about self-regulation: Three Tips to Regulate Your Emotions)

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I hear all the time that “the world is getting scarier”. While that may be hard to verify factually, we do “feel what we feel”, and I notice that the current fears have to do with a sense of powerlessness and lack of control, among other things.

Given that, it is easy to understand why we want something we can count on! It can be too easy to lean on empty structures or quick fixes simply because they look like they will support us, but for long-term emotional well being, it is essential that we find strategies that we can trust.

The strategies I offer in this article are all based in you, which is what makes them more reliable and accessible than outside support systems. Outside support is great, but rather than having it be the primary support, let it be supplementary. That way, as long as you have you, you will never be without! And this approach will make you a better partner, friend, and family member, since you will be more likely to give, than take, in your relaitonships.

All you are doing is giving yourself a gift that should have been given to you. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for it any longer!

October 29, 2020

CALM DOWN! THE IMPORTANCE OF REGULATION

My previous article talked about the “problems” that show up in relationships and how there is a difference between solvable and unsolvable problems. In both cases, the solution to finding out if the problem is a deal-breaker is to talk through it, with the goal being greater understanding.

Understanding must come before solutions, because without understanding, problem-solving can miss the mark–addressing only the symptoms but not the cause. This can leave partners feeling resentful toward one another. Successful discussions about problems can eliminate resentments and bring couples closer. Additionally, they make it easier to accept, or learn to live with, differences.

Why then is it so hard for couples to have these helpful conversations? Why do they more often resort to arguments and fights rather than healthy conflict? In this part two of my articles on problems I want to address what gets in the way of successfully talking through it.

What I notice is that it is not lack of caring or desire that keep us from wanting to understand each other, instead it is our brain’s natural defenses. When our partner is upset with us, the brain senses a threat and reacts by limiting blood flow to the rational brain, or left brain; the result can be amygdala hijacking. We become less able to listen, learn, or care–focused instead on protecting ourselves from harm.

This is on major reason why it is hard to have conversations around greater understanding. But all is not lost–the trick is to learn how to hijack the hijacking! Below I lay out what happens when our brains sense a threat from our partners, and how to reverse the process so that we can lean in and listen.

TWO TYPES OF DYSREGULATION: What is dysregulation? Basically it is when your left brain, or rational brain, is deprived of oxygen and shut down, leaving your right brain, or emotional brain, to react and run the show. Dysregulation can go one of two directions–either up or down. When our response escalates quickly into agitation it is called hyper-arousal, and when it shuts down into numbness it is called hypo-arousal. You can think of it as your brain either stepping on the gas, or stepping on the brake, respectively.

It is not necessary to memorize these emotional states, but it is important to be able to recognize when they are happening in you or in your partner. This is because in either state, talking and listening cannot happen! When the left brain is shut down, we cannot listen, learn, or care about another–our main objective is to care about how we are being treated in the moment.

Why do we become dysregulated? Though it can cause problems today, we would not have survived without this process. Dysregulation happens when our brain senses a threat, either real or imagined. Our left brain is “slower” than our right, and that is why we evolved to shut it down, because historically when facing danger, we had to act fast! Commonly known as our “freeze, fight, or flee” response, our amygdala evaluates the threat and decides in a split second which course of action is best for our survival.

So how do we control this process in our relationships?

SELF-REGULATION: Although many of our brain processes are automatic, we do have some ability to control and influence them. The whole Mindfulness movement is one approach to doing this–and even Buddhist philosophy (from which Mindfulness emerged) talks about how we cannot control what happens, only our response to it.

Modern life works against mindfulness by offering endless distractions to what is happening in the moment with us and in our environment. No wonder we feel more reactive than responsive! Responsiveness only happens when we are present in our bodies and in the moment–a skill that takes practice and intention. Responsiveness is the act of choosing what our brain does with what is happening, not just reacting to it.

Responsiveness in relationships is practiced through regular self-regulation–being aware of what your brain is sensing and using your left brain to influence that interpretation to match reality. Self-regulation is difficult, but not impossible. It involves a few key steps:

recognizing when we are either up-regulating or down-regulating by noticing what happens in our bodies (increased heart rate, hot face, shaking, numbness)
using our mindfulness tools to interrupt the process and keep our left brain “online”: taking deep, slow breaths; grounding ourselves, drinking some water or chewing something, doing something with our hands
using the left brain to make a choice about how we are thinking about what is happening (responsiveness rather than reactivity)

Trauma can interfere with self-regulation because it can result in stuck painful memories that keep us in a heightened state of arousal, even when there is no current threat. If you suffer from trauma, there are several approaches that can help to process it so that painful events remain in your past and not in your present.

Fortunately, we do not have to always self-regulate ourselves completely–we can ask for help.

CO-REGULATION: You are 100% responsible for your actions and your reactions. This can be a difficult idea to accept, because it suggests that others have no responsibility for upsetting us, but the truth is that they don’t! They do, however, trigger us and our vulnerabilities, so they are not off the hook for their behavior, just our for our reaction. We are the ones who choose our response, based on how we think about what has happened. In other words, while the pain is inevitable, our suffering is optional because suffering is based on our interpretations, perceptions, and how we make meaning of things.

Co-regulation is when another person helps you bring your left brain back online so that you can talk or be comforted. The challenge for many is that one of the best candidates for co-regulating us is the person who upset us in the first place. This is because co-regulating actions can be reparative, and also a “corrective experience” that is different from what we have received before. As a therapist, I often use co-regulation in the room to give clients an experience of caring that is new to them. This can be very healing!

Co-regulation is also an example of accountability–acknowledging that you played a role in what the other person is feeling. Remember that even though you didn’t cause it, you did trigger it! Often the triggering is unintentional–it is just partners being themselves. This is why it is so important to be curious about the other’s past hurts, soft spots, and vulnerabilities, because with this information you are less likely to trip on those trigger wires. Co-regulation lets someone know that you care about them and how they are affected by you.

GOAL: THE WINDOW OF TOLERANCE: I mention above that regulation involves bringing the left brain back online. What does that mean? Our left brain (pre-frontal cortex) is the seat of rational thought, while our right brain (limbic system) is the source of our emotions. The left brain is “slower” than the right because it deals with interpretations while the right brain focuses on reactions, so when we get upset, our left brain is deprived of oxygen so that we can respond quickly and protect ourselves.

This is great if we are facing a tiger in the woods, but not so great if we are facing an upset partner who needs to be responded to! In order to have healthy conflict we have to be able to keep both our right and left brains online so that they can work together. This does not mean that we have to be calm as a cucumber, instead we need to be able to feel what we feel and still talk about it. This is called the Window of Tolerance, and the size of the window is based on our past experiences. Trauma can shrink it and make it harder to stay regulated, but a caring response can enlarge the window.

When we are able to talk to, and respond to, each other from within our respective windows of tolerance, then conflict can bring us closer by making the relationship safe for vulnerability.

HOW TO GET THERE AND STAY THERE: Getting to regulation takes work, but what kind of work? Ultimately if you want to get somewhere new you first have to first know where you are. This is where mindfulness comes in–it is the ability to have awareness of our emotional life so that we can be in relationship with it and exert influence when needed.

Remember that dysregulation is the brain/body responding to a real or imagined threat, so it is up to our rational brain to distinguish between the two. The left brain can be thought of as the “navigator” of our emotions–the right brain chooses a course and the left brain decides if that is a good course to pursue. But we can’t access the aid of the left brain if the blood supply is cut off from it! Mindfulness of what we are feeling in our body can help us to notice if we are moving toward dysregulation–and then interrupt it if we don’t really need that level of response.

Many experts recommend meditation as a way to increase mindfulness, but we can also work on it by minimizing distractions, slowing down our conversations, using breathwork, and “unplugging” at the end of the day. In relationships, we can ask our partner to help us out, by allowing them to comment when they notice us getting dysregulated. This can be as simple as agreeing on a “code word” or hand gesture, so that the comment itself does not trigger greater upset.

Once you have experienced choosing your response, and the connection it fosters, it is hard to go back to reactivity! Fortunately, doing this work regularly also lessens the need to become dysregulated during conflict–we are strengthening the safety of our relationship, and our brain recognizes this. A safe and trusting relationship gives your brain the message that it does not need to “panic” when there is conflict.

Maintaining our emotional regulation requires good self-care and supportive relationships. But you also have to want it. If you feel that your life and relationship(s) would benefit from a calmer response, if you think that by being present you could make choices that lead you to the life you want to live, then set your goal on regulation as a step in that direction. Living your life means feeling it, not letting it drag you around. Being regulated shows that you are ready to do that as a functional, responsive adult!