As a therapist, it’s not my job to tell clients what to do or not do–it’s my job to ask questions that lead clients to their own answers. However, couples therapy is a bit different in that there are things that should and should not be done if you want to have a successful relationship.
For example, the Gottmans are famous for their “Four Horsemen“, where they state, from their own research, that if you do one or more of these damaging behaviors on a regular basis, your relationship will end. Naturally the conclusion is that couples should try to avoid these strategies. No further questions are necessary!
However there is also a camp in professional circles that thinks therapists have a responsibility to advocate for their clients’ well-being, which often means being directive at times. I find this to be helpful–why would a therapist hold onto information he or she knows and force a client to find it out the hard way?
The mid-ground approach is to present a helpful directive by saying: “I have noticed that this works for a lot of people. Do you think it might work for you?” This approach both reveals the therapist bias while still preserving the clients’ autonomy and ability to choose their own solutions.
So how does my thinking on social media use in relationships play into this? Well, it is not as simple as defining it as good or bad. When evaluating its value for couples, I use the same lens I use for any of their behaviors by asking “Is it working for the relationship?” Like many things couples do, it is important to look at the purpose of that activity and whether it helps the relationship thrive or not, based on their definition of thriving. Easier said than done, so let’s look at some of the complexities with addressing this issue.
THE DRAW: Remember back when social media was presented as an easier way to stay connected with people in your life? Ah, the good ol’ days! It was not long before the creators of these platforms realized that they could monetize human nature in both its highest and lowest forms. But before that happened, social media allowed couples to give others a window into their relationship journey in a way that felt connective.
For those on the receiving end of these posts, there was a feeling of shared participation when viewing content, especially when comments could be made about what was shared. The benefit of sharing on social media was that we were able to curate not only what we shared, but what we hoped it would say about our relationships. Social media gave us more control over the narrative of our lives, as seen by others, regardless of what was happening behind closed doors.
We quickly found out that not only could we control the narrative, we could also enhance it. Editing and filters gave us the power to alter reality to our benefit, resulting in higher levels of status amongst those who followed our posts. Humans have always been status-seeking creatures, because high status elevates power, control, and opportunity.
It is well known that when we have a high status in our culture or the society we live in, we feel safer, calmer, and better about ourselves. Public approval validates the choices we are making, leading us to believe that we are “doing something right”. Sometimes that is the case, but other times it just reinforces that we are acting within approved lines. Not the worst thing we could do, but also not always the best.
The draw of sharing on social media was initially for connection with others, and that is not only valid, but also good for us and our relationships. But what exactly is real connection? Does the sharer feel more connected for sharing or does the receiver for receiving? Is knowing what somebody else is doing in life actually a connection, or does it just feel like one? I think it can be both, depending on the actions of those involved. But suffice it to say that the success of social media platforms shows us how important connection is to us as human beings.
THE COST: While having some control over how our relationship is seen by others is a draw to many couples, what happens when we have experiences with our partner that may be less appealing to others? Do we alter the truth, or simply not show it? When does the sharing shift from being an accurate representation to a scripted fantasy or a selective narrative?
Don’t get me wrong–sharing has always been selective. Back in my youth when I took photos with an actual camera, I would only put the “good ones” in the family album for others to see. This is not manipulative, it is human–we want to be seen, and see ourselves, in a good light. Nobody takes photos of the family fights!
But sharing with family members, relatives, and friends is very different than what is happening in social media today, where the sharer often feels an obligation to please their followers–there is more at stake and more at risk. And these risks can take a toll on one’s relationship, especially when risk management takes priority over relationship satisfaction.
I have worked with couples in my practice who tell me, usually in the first session, that they are a “power couple” in whatever social community they are a part of. Yet what they reveal in the room is what goes on behind the curtain–and what regularly comes up is the pressure they feel to hit a high bar of expectation for how they are perceived on social media. What was once a tool to expand their friend group and share with others becomes something restrictive–the couple serves the image they have created, rather than the image being reflective of their lives.
This can turn fun activities into work, and connection into a commodity. All is done in service of recording and sharing. The whole purpose of being together has changed from personal development to social advancement. This can change the whole purpose of a couple being together, sometimes resulting in the relationship ending. The cost is different for each couple, but often something is lost in the transition, and the question they have to ask themselves is: Was it worth it?
IF YOU MUST SHARE, SHARE THIS: If you have made it this far in the article, you might be thinking to yourself: “This guy is too old to understand how modern relationships work with social media!” You might be right, but my opinions are formed from the many hours I have worked with young couples struggling to connect in real life despite their idyllic relationship relationship image online.
Social media is here to stay, because throughout history we have always valued a way to record the stories of our lives. I am not against social media at all, nor am I for it. I see social media as simply a tool, and its value depends on how we use it, and what purpose we place upon it.
So are there ways that social media can be used to support relationship wellness? Absolutely! But rather than list the ways I find supportive, I offer a simple gauge to use that will quickly clarify what you are up to with the postings. I invite you to ask yourself:
Is this for connection or projection?
In essence this question is asking, in a Kantian way, are you treating your social media audience as an end in itself, or as a means to something else?
As mentioned earlier, when social media first appeared, it was touted as a tool for connection, and initially it served that purpose well–helping friends and relatives stay in touch with each other, supporting new friendships and group activities, helping those who felt like outsiders to find their people. But we all know what happened as time went on–its use was overtaken by our own reptilian minds, and by those who valued its earning potential. These “tools for connection” offered just enough disconnection to remove empathy and compassion from the interactions between people.
Using the question above will allow couples to pause long enough to engage with intention rather than reaction, to share rather than boast, to comment supportively rather than critically. We all thought that social media was a tool for connection. In reality, it was just a tool. The intent to connect needs to actually be intentional.
I will also say that if you have a business with your partner or spouse, and that is the primary reason you are together, then social media can work to support that vision. It’s not for me, but I have worked with couples who are together because they garner more attention as a couple than they do individually–they are in a form of relationship as business. That is a valid choice, as long as both individuals are on the same page, and again, not using each other as a means to an end.
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There may be a day when our current use of social media will be seen as “quaint”, or looked at, with nostalgia, as a relic of “simpler times”. Hard to imagine, but it is possible. In the meantime, I like to remind myself that things are always changing, and as long as I remain clear on the direction I am moving in my relationship, then the “tools” that come and go won’t pull it of the road.
In the same way that you and your partner are the main drivers of your relationship, you are also the drivers of your engagement with the world. To make sure that these engagements support relationship health, just remember to ask yourself, “Will this engagement allow my relationship to thrive?” If the answer is anything other than yes, I recommend taking a good long pause to consider what is truly most important to you.