Today’s marriages are not the same as marriages 50 years ago. In some ways they are, of course, but what has changed is many of the dynamics between spouses: dynamics around money, power, sex, and raising a family. I notice more equanimity in marriages today, which is good news, but I also see the conflict that comes sometimes from sharing power. New opportunities create new challenges. It can often feel like a competition.
In couples therapy, this competition can reveal or trigger deep hurts and create resentments over time. Whose career gets priority? Do you have to choose between your marriage or your career? What if both are screaming for your attention?
This is why it is more important than ever to see you and your spouse as being on the same team–a team that you both want to win the game. There is a big difference between approaching a competition as a team vs. as rivals!
What I suggest is that it does not have to be a competition at all–your individual pursuits and goals can also serve the marriage as a whole, not just each of you individually. But to get to this place requires the skills of talking and listening, curiosity, compassion, and commitment to the wellbeing of your relationship. As they say, if your relationship is not thriving, neither are you. So let’s take a look at how to navigate these seemingly opposing needs.
WHY DO WE FEEL WE HAVE TO CHOOSE?: In the “olden days”, marriage was something that provided security and status to women (or a prison, depending on how you look at it), and penetrative sex to men (at least until children were born). Many marriages were part of the plan for running a farm or household, and the gender roles were clear. Men worked outside the home, women worked inside the home. Men made the money, women raised the children.
It sometimes worked, but many times it did not, primarily for women, who had little to no choice or options either in or out of a marriage. Fortunately, today’s relationships and marriages are not as restricting for the individuals in them. But you know what they say: when old problems go away, new problems appear.
Whereas in the past a major difficulty was sexual affairs outside of the marriage, today’s bigger betrayal is the threat of spouses spending too much time at work, or dealing with work at home. One’s career is the new “third person” so to speak. And the neglected spouses aren’t sure how to speak up about this since technically the other is not doing anything “wrong” by being committed to their career!
Any lack of boundaries protecting a marriage from intrusions will become a problem no matter what the intrusion is–even when it comes from within (kids and pets!). Unwanted intrusions can cause resentment, disconnection, hurt, and can also interfere with self-care, which can affect how someone feels about initiating or receiving sex.
So what gives? Why is work taking up so much more of our time than in the past? Well, some of the reasons I have noticed include:
- Greater competition to succeed
- Lack of respect from work an individual’s boundaries around personal time
- Higher financial obligations and responsibilities at home
- The ability to do work from home increases access and shortens deadlines
Beyond this, I also hear in sessions that there is some shame attached to “choosing the relationship”, and this applies to both men and women. Those who choose to prioritize their family or personal life are often seen as not being ambitious or motivated, or making a “soft” choice. This can put a lot of pressure on individuals who will report feeling pulled from both ends. This tug-of-war can turn a loving relationship into just another set of obligations that need to be met. Not good!
WHAT WORKS BETTER: The solution to modern problems is rarely to go back to the way things were, rather, in looking forward couples can use new information and their own creativity to experiment with what works for them. We have never been in the relationship dilemma that we now face, so new ideas are required!
Let’s start first with identifying the options:
- choose career
- choose relationship/family
- choose some version of both
What would you choose? There is no “right” answer, because what works for one couple might not work for another. Within one relationship, there will be times when choosing a career is necessary, while at other times choosing the relationship/family is called for. Most couples today choose a version of both, but this is often by default rather being planned out, leaving the individuals involved feeling trapped.
What I recommend is a choice that works across the board. In my work, I strive to offer couples simple approaches to complex issues, and fortunately there are a number of these that have proven track records. What I suggest for the career or relationship tug-of-war is from Stan Tatkin, who in his book In Each Other’s Care writes about the need to “put the needs of the relationship first at all times”. How is this to be applied?
When couples choose the needs of the relationship, they have the highest chance of making choices that ensures they also thrive as individuals. But the caveat is that for this to work well, it is essential that a couple have a shared vision for their relationship or marriage. Otherwise, in choosing the needs of the relationship, they may find themselves favoring different priorities.
So the first step when a couple finds themselves struggling is to create their shared vision–the direction they want to move toward together. For example, if their shared vision is to raise a family, then their priorities should move them in that direction, whereas if their shared vision is to run a successful business together, they are likely to have different priorities.
However, a couples’ priorities are usually not so well-aligned. This is where Stan Tatkin’s approach becomes essential. Let’s say there is a couple where one individual values having a thriving career, while the other values managing a home and raising a family. In order for this couple to thrive together, they have to ask themselves, “What does the relationship need?” In other words, how can they both thrive? It is not a question of one winning and the other losing!
In this example, one approach could be that the career-minded partner choose a career that allows them to be home in the evenings and weekends. For the partner who may not be working, they might want to talk about how finances will be managed so that both partners have some spending autonomy and independence. Whatever approach they take, the guiding principle is what do we need to thrive both as a couple and as individuals? Choosing the needs of the relationship (which is made up of the individuals) ensures that this principle will take precedence.
So when faced with the choice of career or relationship, my suggestion (and Stan Tatkin’s!) is to choose the relationship, specifically, what the relationship needs.
HOW TO USE THIS FOR ANY CONFLICT: What I love about “across the board” approaches is that they can be used across the board! If you find yourself having a conflict of interests with anyone in your life, you can ask yourself, “What does this relationship need to thrive?” to identify options where you both win. Prioritizing what the relationship needs avoids elevating one’s individual needs over another’s. The relationship becomes primary.
I have written about other “across the board” approaches, such as my favorite: “What would Love do?”, and the beauty of these questions is that they lead one to actions and choices based in compassion, humility, kindness, and wisdom.
Modern life offers us the option of choosing our own priorities rather than having them imposed upon us by society, culture, and family. We shouldn’t have to suffer because we choose one priority over another. You can have both career and relationship satisfaction as long as you find a balance that allows you, your partner, and your relationship to thrive.