Category: couples therapy

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THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF WEDDING PLANNING

This article is for you even if you are not planning your wedding, because it addresses an important element in any committed relationship: preparation for disagreement and conflict. But let’s say that some readers are planning their wedding, or at least thinking about the possibility of it in the near future. The last thing these couples need is one more thing to think about–it is my hope that what I suggest in this article will be worth the time and energy and benefit couples not only on their wedding day, but long afterwards.

Wedding planning is big business today, prompting many couples to become DIYers in order to save money and minimize stress. While I am a big fan of minimalism, there is one element of planning a wedding that must be left to the professionals. This element can be critical to a marriage’s success, but is often completely overlooked. 

If you guessed I am talking about couples therapy, you are right! They say that most couples seek out help an average of six years after the start of the problem(s), because a) they often don’t want to acknowledge there is a problem, and b) they think that couples therapy will lead to a breakup. This has been my experience with couples I work with–some come in decades after the beginning of trouble. But couples therapy, when conducted by a skilled clinician, does not cause breakups or create problems–it exposes what is already there but not always seen by the couple. If anything, couples therapy prevents unnecessary breakups!

The delay to seek help is understandable in a way; when clinicians first started offering therapy, it was seen as something only for people with problems. You didn’t need therapy if you were okay. In fact, many cultures still think therapy is only for “crazy” people or broken relationships. But increasingly is it valued as a space where individuals and couples can learn more about themselves and their partner’s inner world, a place where they can discuss what they value, and what is most important for them to feel safe and secure. 

This last perspective is exactly why couples therapy needs to be part of anyone’s wedding planning. 

WHAT IS COUPLES THERAPY FOR ANYWAY?: If I had a nickel for every couple that tells me they need help with “communication”, I would have a lot of nickels! What I don’t tell them right away is that communication is not their problem. Couples communicate with each other constantly, even when they are not saying anything! The real problem is what they are communicating to their partner, and more importantly what they are not listening to. 

In my office, the purpose of couples therapy is to connect couples by facilitating mutual understanding and empathy. I help them do better when having difficult conversations. This means they need to be willing to see each others’ perspective of the issue. It is not my job to solve their problems, it is my job to connect them so that they can solve their problems as a team rather than as adversaries, often acknowledging that they both want the same thing.

Of course, skill building and problem-solving can both be practiced in sessions if that is helpful, but that is not what couples pay good money for, because these can be learned by reading any number of good books on the topics. They come to couples therapy to work on why they are not able to use the skills when they most need them.

Let’s face it, most divorces don’t happen because of lack of problem-solving skills, they happen because of lack of connection–partners not feeling seen and heard, loved and cherished, respected and supported. 

SHORT TERM VS LONG TERM GOALS: So how does the above apply to couples planning to be married? It applies directly even if they don’t think it does, because every couple will eventually run into a conflict that finds them experiencing each other as the enemy rather than a teammate. Even if conflict never happens before marriage, is it wise to “wait” until it happens before thinking about how you will both navigate this? 

Wedding planning can be stressful, but that stress is also something that can be planned for. For example, any outside event will have a Plan B if the weather goes south–you don’t wait until it starts raining to make sure you have a tent! But planning for problems in a wedding can feel easier than planning for problems in a marriage. I think this is because wedding problems are pretty solvable, and temporary, whereas marriage problems are the opposite–they are not always something to be solved and they don’t necessarily end.  

Instead, the problems that come up in marriage are part of the process of connecting with one another, if you know what to do and not do. But as human beings, who always look for the path of least resistance, it makes sense that couples would rather spend thousands of dollars to address potential wedding problems than invest in future connections. Our brains are wired to go for the short-term gain over the long-term. 

ROMANCE VS. REAL LOVE: Another way of looking at couples’ hesitancy to pursue pre-marital therapy is that it does not feel very sexy to do so! Romance is (usually) fun, and feels magically easy at times, whereas “real” love , while certainly fun, can also feel effortful and challenging. Our brains are wired to move towards things that “feel good”, so seeing a professional, whether that is a couples therapist or a medical doctor, is not something we often rush towards. 

While I can certainly understand why couples would want to stay in the romantic phase while planning a wedding, very often un-romantic conflicts come up in the planning! You may have a plan for bad weather, but do you have a plan for when you disagree on the guest count or the entree choices? Do you have a plan for when your fiancé withdraws from the conversation and shuts you out, or goes on the attack? Do you have a plan for how to negotiate the family issues that will inevitably surface without disconnecting from one another?

Couples who engage in pre-marital therapy prime themselves to thrive together during difficult moments, arriving at their wedding day with confidence instead of doubts. You don’t have to wait until after the wedding to move into real love. Remember, real love can be romantic too. In fact, I like to think of real love as romance without the anxiety!

INVESTING IN SHORT AND LONG-TERM GOALS: We are wired to satisfy short-term goals over long-term goals, simply because short-term goals make us feel good sooner. But what it we didn’t have to preference one over the other? What if there were an action that allows couples to invest in both short and long-term goals? 

You know where I am going with this: couples therapy attends to both. 

This is for the simple reason that, when conducted by a skilled couples therapist, it helps couples have difficult conversations about long-term goals by connecting them–which in turn feels good in the short-term. Connection happens when couples are encouraged to be curious about differences rather than judgmental, and compassionate about each other’s fears rather than critical. That very curiosity and compassion is what couples need in order to address long-term goals as a team instead of as competitors. The short-term connection that happens as a result serves them well by making future difficult conversations easier. Win-win!

Couples often find themselves in for a surprise when romance “softens” and they have their first conflict. They will manage that well if they have built up a strong foundation of trust, safety, and respect, but if they haven’t, it can be a harsh wake-up call. Couples therapy can be instrumental in helping couples build this foundation beforehand. 

Think of it as relationship insurance. Nobody waits until they have a health crisis before getting health insurance, so why spend thousands of dollars on a wedding without insuring your investment, which is the relationship? I hope that there comes a day when couples naturally include some form of relationship work an important stage of their wedding planning. That would be an investment that has no downside. 

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When I went to YouTube to look for a video on the benefits of pre-marital therapy, I was distressed to see that most of the videos available talked about why couples therapy fails. I think this may be one reason why couples are hesitant to undertake a course of therapy before getting married–they are afraid it will either make things worse or create problems that were not there before. 

Couples therapy can sometimes make things feel worse, but only because it it identifying the problem that is hiding between the couple. Where is it hiding? In blaming each other, rather than seeing problems as co-creations coming from their respective individual developmental paths. But as I always say to couples at the beginning, sometimes you have to first clean a wound before it can start healing. 

I can count on one hand the number of times that this process of “cleaning” has resulted in a couple breaking up. What usually happens instead is that as resentments surface, we notice hurts and longings that are not being seen or cared for. Left unattended to, you can imagine how they would impact a marriage twenty years in. 

But a skilled therapist can use these vulnerabilities to connect the couple, resulting in more trust and safety in the relationship. We often think these things spring from love, and they do, but not necessarily romantic love. They spring from real love, which is willing to see our partner for who they are rather than who we want them to be. 

When couples therapy “fails”, it can be due to a therapist who doesn’t know what they are doing, and this is why it is good to consult with more than one therapist and ask about their experience and training–your relationship, and marriage, may depend on it! Nobody benefits from a therapist who takes sides or is squeamish talking about sex. 

Maybe I need to create my own video for YouTube that talks about the real risk that couples are taking by not learning and practicing the skills to have difficult conversations before you have them. It is not couples therapy that has failed couples, it is the lies we have been told that “love is all you need”. That may be a romantic idea, but it’s not going to carry you over the threshold. 

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In my practice, I am trained to offer a 3-hour Relationship/Marriage Preparation Course that can help even if you are not yet planning to marry. I am able to incorporate these materials into existing couples therapy work. Please contact me for more details. 

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KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP OFF SOCIAL MEDIA

As a therapist, it’s not my job to tell clients what to do or not do–it’s my job to ask questions that lead clients to their own answers. However, couples therapy is a bit different in that there are things that should and should not be done if you want to have a successful relationship. 

For example, the Gottmans are famous for their “Four Horsemen“, where they state, from their own research, that if you do one or more of these damaging behaviors on a regular basis, your relationship will end. Naturally the conclusion is that couples should try to avoid these strategies. No further questions are necessary!

However there is also a camp in professional circles that thinks therapists have a responsibility to advocate for their clients’ well-being, which often means being directive at times. I find this to be helpful–why would a therapist hold onto information he or she knows and force a client to find it out the hard way? 

The mid-ground approach is to present a helpful directive by saying: “I have noticed that this works for a lot of people. Do you think it might work for you?”  This approach both reveals the therapist bias while still preserving the clients’ autonomy and ability to choose their own solutions.

So how does my thinking on social media use in relationships play into this? Well, it is not as simple as defining it as good or bad. When evaluating its value for couples, I use the same lens I use for any of their behaviors by asking “Is it working for the relationship?” Like many things couples do, it is important to look at the purpose of that activity and whether it helps the relationship thrive or not, based on their definition of thriving. Easier said than done, so let’s look at some of the complexities with addressing this issue. 

THE DRAW: Remember back when social media was presented as an easier way to stay connected with people in your life? Ah, the good ol’ days! It was not long before the creators of these platforms realized that they could monetize human nature in both its highest and lowest forms. But before that happened, social media allowed couples to give others a window into their relationship journey in a way that felt connective. 

For those on the receiving end of these posts, there was a feeling of shared participation when viewing content, especially when comments could be made about what was shared. The benefit of sharing on social media was that we were able to curate not only what we shared, but what we hoped it would say about our relationships. Social media gave us more control over the narrative of our lives, as seen by others, regardless of what was happening behind closed doors. 

We quickly found out that not only could we control the narrative, we could also enhance it. Editing and filters gave us the power to alter reality to our benefit, resulting in higher levels of status amongst those who followed our posts. Humans have always been status-seeking creatures, because high status elevates power, control, and opportunity. 

It is well known that when we have a high status in our culture or the society we live in, we feel safer, calmer, and better about ourselves. Public approval validates the choices we are making, leading us to believe that we are “doing something right”. Sometimes that is the case, but other times it just reinforces that we are acting within approved lines. Not the worst thing we could do, but also not always the best.

The draw of sharing on social media was initially for connection with others, and that is not only valid, but also good for us and our relationships. But what exactly is real connection? Does the sharer feel more connected for sharing or does the receiver for receiving? Is knowing what somebody else is doing in life actually a connection, or does it just feel like one? I think it can be both, depending on the actions of those involved. But suffice it to say that the success of social media platforms shows us how important connection is to us as human beings. 

THE COST:  While having some control over how our relationship is seen by others is a draw to many couples, what happens when we have experiences with our partner that may be less appealing to others? Do we alter the truth, or simply not show it? When does the sharing shift from being an accurate representation to a scripted fantasy or a selective narrative?

Don’t get me wrong–sharing has always been selective. Back in my youth when I took photos with an actual camera, I would only put the “good ones” in the family album for others to see. This is not manipulative, it is human–we want to be seen, and see ourselves, in a good light. Nobody takes photos of the family fights! 

But sharing with family members, relatives, and friends is very different than what is happening in social media today, where the sharer often feels an obligation to please their followers–there is more at stake and more at risk. And these risks can take a toll on one’s relationship, especially when risk management takes priority over relationship satisfaction. 

I have worked with couples in my practice who tell me, usually in the first session, that they are a “power couple” in whatever social community they are a part of. Yet what they reveal in the room is what goes on behind the curtain–and what regularly comes up is the pressure they feel to hit a high bar of expectation for how they are perceived on social media. What was once a tool to expand their friend group and share with others becomes something restrictive–the couple serves the image they have created, rather than the image being reflective of their lives. 

This can turn fun activities into work, and connection into a commodity. All is done in service of recording and sharing. The whole purpose of being together has changed from personal development to social advancement. This can change the whole purpose of a couple being together, sometimes resulting in the relationship ending. The cost is different for each couple, but often something is lost in the transition, and the question they have to ask themselves is: Was it worth it?

IF YOU MUST SHARE, SHARE THIS: If you have made it this far in the article, you might be thinking to yourself: “This guy is too old to understand how modern relationships work with social media!” You might be right, but my opinions are formed from the many hours I have worked with young couples struggling to connect in real life despite their idyllic relationship relationship image online. 

Social media is here to stay, because throughout history we have always valued a way to record the stories of our lives. I am not against social media at all, nor am I for it. I see social media as simply a tool, and its value depends on how we use it, and what purpose we place upon it. 

So are there ways that social media can be used to support relationship wellness? Absolutely! But rather than list the ways I find supportive, I offer a simple gauge to use that will quickly clarify what you are up to with the postings. I invite you to ask yourself:  

Is this for connection or projection?

In essence this question is asking, in a Kantian way, are you treating your social media audience as an end in itself, or as a means to something else? 

As mentioned earlier, when social media first appeared, it was touted as a tool for connection, and initially it served that purpose well–helping friends and relatives stay in touch with each other, supporting new friendships and group activities, helping those who felt like outsiders to find their people. But we all know what happened as time went on–its use was overtaken by our own reptilian minds, and by those who valued its earning potential. These “tools for connection” offered just enough disconnection to remove empathy and compassion from the interactions between people.  

Using the question above will allow couples to pause long enough to engage with intention rather than reaction, to share rather than boast, to comment supportively rather than critically. We all thought that social media was a tool for connection. In reality, it was just a tool. The intent to connect needs to actually be intentional. 

I will also say that if you have a business with your partner or spouse, and that is the primary reason you are together, then social media can work to support that vision. It’s not for me, but I have worked with couples who are together because they garner more attention as a couple than they do individually–they are in a form of relationship as business. That is a valid choice, as long as both individuals are on the same page, and again, not using each other as a means to an end.

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There may be a day when our current use of social media will be seen as “quaint”, or looked at, with nostalgia, as a relic of “simpler times”. Hard to imagine, but it is possible. In the meantime, I like to remind myself that things are always changing, and as long as I remain clear on the direction I am moving in my relationship, then the “tools” that come and go won’t pull it of the road.

In the same way that you and your partner are the main drivers of your relationship, you are also the drivers of your engagement with the world. To make sure that these engagements support relationship health, just remember to ask yourself, “Will this engagement allow my relationship to thrive?” If the answer is anything other than yes, I recommend taking a good long pause to consider what is truly most important to you.

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IS IT SO?

Our brains, as amazing as they are, sometimes don’t do us favors when it comes to how they “think” about our partner’s actions and words. Our default is to attribute negative intentions to them–or at the very least to view them with suspicion. This is because the brain prioritizes survival, moving us away from pain and hardship that it thinks is a threat. We survived by assuming that others were a threat before concluding we were safe around them. How funny it is that while trying to protect us, our brain can sometimes make our lives more difficult! 

This is not the intention, of course, but rather the result of how we make sense of things that don’t make sense on the surface. This is why a well-lived life is an intentionally lived life. As we all know, some pleasurable activities are harmful, while some painful activities are good for us. We have to use our rational brain to convince ourselves to do hard things that are actually good for us, or avoid pleasurable things that can be bad for us.

This is usually not too difficult, unless the hard thing we are trying to convince ourselves to do is responding to an upset partner! When this happens, it is not very useful to “listen” to what the brain is telling you, especially if that message is one of the following: 

  • Run away/withdraw
  • Attack back
  • Defend yourself
  • Shut down

So what should we do? 

It can be useful to know how to “hack” the brain’s survival instincts at times. What this means is finding a way to trick ourselves into thinking differently about an action. An example of a brain hack could be when we put a toothpick in our mouths instead of a cigarette when we are trying to stop smoking. You hope your brain accepts the “oral substitute”, calming the craving for a cigarette. 

THE QUESTION: With relationships, the most successful hacks are ones where couples shift their perspective on the problem and how they are thinking about it. The approach I offer in this article is one where you question the “truth” of what is going on. I like this hack because it is relatively simple, but very effective! It entails simply asking yourself, as needed: “Is it so?”

This question is a variation of any number of questions that work to put a wedge in our thinking. Our brains are very adept at writing a story about what is happening with our partner that may make sense to us, but have little to do with our partner. Taking a moment to ask yourself “Is it so?” is sometimes all the time necessary to stop the printing press of the mind, allowing us to become more curious about what might actually be bothering our loved one. 

Here is an example. Imagine that your partner comes up to you and complains about you leaving your dirty dishes in the sink. As they complain to you, your mind might come up with a story like this: They are too sensitive about things. I cannot be myself in this relationship! I can’t do ANYTHING right! I will never be able to please them. 

If you take a moment to ask yourself “Is it so?”, you are giving yourself a pause from the story in your head, which is enough time to become a bit more regulated. From this state, you have access to other information other than the story you need to survive. That information might look like one of the following:

  • I forgot that they just cleaned the kitchen so it makes sense they would be upset about the dishes in the sink.
  • I remember them telling me that their mother forced them to clean the house, but never showed appreciation for it. 
  • They told me they were stressed today and my actions did not show compassion. 
  • I did promise to do the dishes more consistently and gave them permission to remind me if I forgot. 

Or even this one, though this may be more difficult to step into quickly:

  • My partner is right–I should have cleaned my dishes right away–that is respectful towards our shared space. I am glad they called me out on this, holding me accountable to our relationship agreements. 

IF IT IS IN FACT SO: But wait a minute, you might say. What if the negative story we make up in our heads is actually the truth? To be honest, this is rarely the case–but if you do reach that conclusion, I hope that you have first given it the “Is it so?” test. If the story in our head is in fact so, there may be a difficult conversation for us to have with our partner. If we choose to do that, we’ll at least be addressing something that needs to be addressed. 

What might that conversation look like? Well, let’s say that it is in fact so that “you cannot do anything right in the relationship”–and your every move is criticized and judged because you are not doing it “correctly”. This might be a time to question whether the relationship is a good fit for you, but if you want to have a conversation with your partner before calling it quits, you could start by saying something like this:

“It is true that I left the dishes in the sink–I admit to that. But it feels like I can’t do anything right–is that how you feel about me in this relationship? It feels like I am constantly disappointing you, and that concerns me a great deal. I would like to understand how where you stand on this. Are you open to my efforts to do better?”

Not all discussions would look like this–it might be that you left the dishes in the sink just this one time, and that is a quick fix and easy to repair. So while you might be nervous to ask yourself “Is it so?”, it is always better to respond based on what is true than what we think is true. 

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Successful relationships are not models of perfect behavior, but rather models of mindful behavior. Successful couples think about the choices they have available to them, and the consequences of those choices, before choosing. This skill takes practice, but it is doable, and is easier to accomplish if all partners are intentional about it.

I generally suggest that a couple “team up” to make sure that false conclusions don’t become the truth of their relationship. This is making the problem something that is between you, not in one of you. You are teaming up against the problem, not each other, and you are doing this for the benefit of the relationship (which is composed of you two!). 

With practice, you will be better equipped to notice the false assumptions coming into your head when conflict arises. Noticing these, taking a beat, and then choosing what is best for both of you in the moment is a strategy that will lead to greater understanding and connection. It is not necessarily easy to do, but it is easier than suffering with the false realities we make up about what is happening. 

Just ask yourself, “Is it so?” 

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HOW MY THINKING CHANGED ABOUT STAN TATKIN

“Who the hell is Stan Tatkin?”, you might be asking. Those who have been in therapy with me will be familiar with the name, as I often bring up his writing regarding love and relationships. I even share an excerpt his publishers provides from his latest book, In Each Others’ Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them, because of how helpful I feel the suggestions are for couples. I admire his writing style, intelligence, compassion, and knowledge about what the human brain does when it is in a relationship with another. 

However, I did not always have such high praise for Dr. Tatkin. I used to have a completely different opinion of him and his work. In this article I want to show how, as I gained experience as a couples therapist, he earned my respect, despite my continuing disagreements with some of his practice policies. I hope that in this time of polarization, my story will serve to show the value of both humility in professional growth, and willingness to change one’s mind given new information. 

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Several years ago I attended a conference for therapists who work with couples. This was before the COVID pandemic, when these were held in person, and they were a great way to connect with other professionals, learn new skills, and get out of town for a weekend. Dr. Tatkin was doing several presentations during the conference, as his profile as a well-known published author and speaker is significant, and his presence on the roster can influence people to attend. 

After one of his talks, he was available to sign books in the lobby, and I took the opportunity to ask him a question about his work with couples. As a “narrative” therapist (one who works with the stories clients have about themselves, others, and the world), I wanted to know if he would ever confront a couple about the “story” they had about their relationship. I wondered if he would ever explore if the story they had was in fact the problem–that it was not working for who they are as a couple. For instance, it might be a problem if a couple has a story that the man is supposed to provide for the household when in fact the woman earns the money.

He listened to my question respectfully, but answered me by saying: “No, I would never do that. I would just tell them to grow up.” I remember being stunned by his answer, but trying not to let that show. Instead, I thanked him for his time, and I wandered away from his table. 

This happened years ago, but for a long time I harbored the thought that Dr. Tatkin must be one of those therapists who has been working for so long that he has lost compassion for the couple he treats. It can happen! For years I held this negative view of him, and it allowed me to convince myself that I must know better. Yep, I have an ego!

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Being a therapist is one of those careers that, in my opinion, requires a certain level of not just curiosity and compassion, but also humility, patience, and respect for the work. It asks that we take care of ourselves so that we can bring our full skills and caring abilities into sessions. It demands that we do our own work to minimize becoming reactive when clients anger us or get angry at us. 

Was Dr. Tatkin, in his response to me, displaying a lack of patience or reactivity for clients’ suffering, or was he perhaps letting me know that, in his work, compassion could look like confrontation? At the time I was convinced it was the former, and I remember hearing stories over time about his couples work that reinforced how I thought about this. 

But then I myself worked for several more years, seeing couples in my own private practice. And along the way, I kept hearing more and more from Dr. Tatkin online in articles, videos, and discussions about the books he had completed and the work he does. What I began to struggle with is that the intelligent, empathic person he presented as in his videos and interviews was nothing like the harsh convention speaker I encountered at the book signing all those years ago. 

I began to consider the idea that none of us are ever just one thing. Sometimes we are patient, sometimes we are not, sometimes we are caring, sometimes we are less so. As human beings, we hope to respond skillfully to whatever shows up around us, but that is not always the case, is it? Therapists are supposed to be better at this than most, but better does not mean perfect. 

Life, even when we love it, can still be stressful at times, or we can just be tired. And careers, even when they are our passion, can tire us out or feel unsatisfying at times. Like all human beings, Stan Tatkin was neither an asshole or a saint. Like all of us, he could be both and everything in between. And this is when I started to listen to him more closely.

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His most recent book, which I mentioned above, speaks loudly to me because of a few guidelines that he refuses to compromise on. I summarize them below:

  1. The needs of your relationship must ALWAYS come first.
  2. Love is not enough. Every relationship must define their shared purpose and vision. 
  3. Agreements that you make together serve as guardrails to keep your relationship from running off the road. These agreements MUST be 100% agreed to by all parties, or they will fail. 

In the recent trend of nurturing psychotherapy, clients can end up being coddled more than cared for. Sometimes the best way to care for anyone is to hold them accountable for who they are being, and support their efforts to be a better version of themselves. A therapist’s role can be more than listener–they can also be mentor, advocate, witness, and challenger. 

Dr. Tatkin’s guidelines hold partners accountable for the health and wellbeing of the relationship, so they can no longer blame each other or outside forces. Imagine how powerful that can be–to not have any excuses for why you are not happy other than your choices and responses! This does not mean that if someone is abusing you, you are the cause of it. But you are accountable for your response to it, and your response can change your life (or save it!). 

I believe that these guidelines need to be firmly followed, because it is natural for us to be selfish in life, concerned primarily about our individual needs. Even motherhood does not shift this very much–caring for a child has a selfish element to it.  I want to stress that there is nothing wrong with natural selfishness like this, but it may not be in the best interest of the relationship. 

In placing the needs the relationship first, you ensure not only that it thrives, but that you also thrive as an individual! One individual win usually ends up being a loss for both partners, so why not go for the win-win?

Your shared purpose and vision can be thought of as your relationship’s Mission Statement, guiding you down a shared path together, a path that can be changed at any time by both parties. Another way of putting this is that your relationship can only grow if you are both moving towards the same values. 

Agreements act as guardrails to keep you on that path, and Dr. Tatkin stresses that caring partners will agree to hold each other accountable in a non-blaming way if one starts to veer off the road. Why wouldn’t we agree to do this for each other if we both have a vested interest in the continuation of the relationship? 

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In this article I have just given you a taste of what I have found of value in Dr. Tatkin’s work, and if your curiosity was piqued, I encourage you to read his books or watch his webinars and videos. Modern relationships cannot thrive by following the rules of the past, unless you are content with the narrowness of that kind of life together. Today’s complex marriages need guidelines that respect modern values and respond to them. This is how, over time, I grew to respect Dr. Tatkin’s approach to the work. He is on a mission to make relationships strong and secure, and coddling won’t achieve that goal. 

I still don’t know if he is an asshole or not, but aren’t we all assholes from time to time? What I am certain of is that he is onto something that benefits anyone who takes the time to follow his lead. Today’s relationships need more than love–they need intention, follow-through, and shared accountability. This is what it means to be in each other’s care. And it turns out that new was right when he answered me way back when, because for some couples, being in each other’s care means they have to sort of grow up. 

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WHEN SEX IS BAD

I was hesitant to write about this topic in a newsletter format because there is so much to say about it, nonetheless I am taking the challenge because it is important to address. In this article I hope to give a brief overview of common  sexual satisfaction issues as a way to both normalize problems that can feel shameful, and also to encourage further research for readers. For the latter purpose I have included some additional resources at the end of the article. 

Everyone has had bad sex. In fact, bad sex is probably more common that great or even good sex. But what is it, exactly? What makes it bad? Do we have to accept that bad sex will sometimes happen, even in a great relationship? (Yes, we do.) And are there things that we can do to minimize how often it happens?

WHAT BAD SEX IS, AND WHAT IT ISN’T: Sometimes sex is bad just because our connection is off or the temperature is too hot in the room. There are times when bad sex is not a big deal, and couples can laugh it off and not have it be a big issue. I don’t want couples to feel that when they have bad sex (they will!) that it means there is a problem, necessarily.

But for many couples, consistent bad sex is a signal of underlying problems, so what exactly are we looking for? If we define sex as an activity that feels good, then the most basic definition of bad sex is: sex that does not feel good. While this may seem simplistic, the many reasons sex may not feel good are anything but! It may not feel good because of one of the partners, all of the partners, or even because of people who are not involved in the sex or in the room when it is happening.

I have noticed that one major reason sex may not feel good is because one or more partners are not paying attention to either their own or the other’s bodies. It is difficult to feel pleasure if we are not paying attention to the sensations we are feeling ourselves, or enjoying the sensations we are giving to another. This means that sometimes sex does not feel good not because it feels bad, but because we are not feeling it at all.

This is what I often see in my therapy office–couples who are too anxious, resentful, or feeling badly about themselves to show up in their bodies or for their partner.

(Painful sex is a different category, and not something we will explore in this article. While you might describe painful sex as bad sex, I would stick with the descriptor “painful” when referring to it. Seeing painful sex as just bad could stop someone from exploring the reasons for the pain–instead blaming themselves or their partner for “doing it wrong”, and potentially ignoring a serious health concern. Painful sex must be stopped immediately, and the pain needs to be assessed by a professional.)

THE REASONS: So going with our definition of bad sex as sex that does not feel good, let’s look at some of the most common reasons this happens.

  • Relational Reasons:
    1. not being present with partner(s)/boredom
    2. lack of connection or curiosity
    3. lack of attraction or interest
    4. too much intimacy in the relationship
    5. lack of safety/consent (consent means being able to say no, not just yes!)
    6. unresolved trauma/active grief
    7. depression/anxiety/stress (often leads to erectile dysfunction)
    8. children/pets/lack of privacy
    9. sex as a performance-based activity
    10. betrayed trust/lingering resentments
    11. conflicting schedules/exhaustion/seeing sex as a task
    12. high desire/low desire couple
  • Organic/Medical Reasons:
    1. poor hygiene
    2. poor health or illness (can lead to health-related erectile dysfunction)
    3. age/menopause (can be a cause of erectile dysfunction for men or painful intercourse for women)
    4. substance abuse/medications that affect sex drive/function
    5. pain/injury

Notice something here? There are many more relationship reasons listed than organic/medical reasons, and yet most couples will go to their doctor assuming there must be a medical solution to their sex issues before considering a relational problem!

To be clear, organic/medical reasons must be ruled out first, before assessing any relational issues. While both may be present, the organic and medical issues have to be addressed first. In some cases, such as aging, addressing them means simply acknowledging them as an issue, and then looking at how this is affecting the relationship dynamic! Though there is no “resolution” to aging, acknowledging it as a factor in sexual enjoyment/attraction/drive allows a couple to make adjustments that benefit both of them while reducing shame and blame.

For relational reasons, a qualified couples and sex therapist is the best person to help with relational issues (a well trained therapist will know when to refer you for medical evaluation). Sexual issues can bring up a lot of vulnerability, causing one to communicate them either critically or defensively with their partner. What’s needed in these moments is compassion, empathy, curiosity, and an absolute commitment to what the relationship needs in order to thrive. If you are having trouble getting there, that’s the time to consider getting some assistance.

I will often utilize sensate focus with couples in order to dial down negative thoughts and increase presence and mindfulness when couples are touching one another. It is a form of “exposure therapy” that, over time, reduces anxiety and takes the pressure off achieving any particular outcome. While it can feel as though one is “going backwards” by focusing on touch sensations only and not pleasure, I like to present it as a “reset or reboot”, where you instead restart your erotic life without the “bugs”. We do resets all the time with our diets and exercise without feeling any shame about it–because they work! They can also work for your sex life. 

The bottom line is that what most people think of as bad sex is not a life sentence! While in some cases it could mean a mismatch of partners, in most cases it is a signal that something medical or relational needs to be addressed. Allowing yourself to be human with your partner will not only being you closer together, but it can also shift bad sex to good or even great sex. Why miss out?

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For further reading/research, I invite you to explore the following resources:

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WHAT THE ARTICLES DON’T TALK ABOUT

As you might imagine, I read a lot of articles about psychology and relationships. A lot! I learn new things all the time, and I find that suggestions offered for how to improve one’s relationship to be generally spot on–on paper at least, and that is where the problem is. I often think to myself, why, with all the good advice and suggestions available, why are so many still struggling to build and keep satisfying relationships? Why can’t we just take the skills we read about, apply them, and see things get better? 

Well, you can. You can take the skills and apply them and have things get better, but you can also try to apply them and have nothing change. And save for a few very honest couples therapists, not many writers will tell you this information in the selling points of their books. 

What I hope to explore in this article is not whether or not relationship books are helpful (they are), but instead what makes it difficult to implement what they suggest–obstacles that are not talked about that I see time and again in my therapy office.  For brevity, I have included just a few of these, but the list is by no means exhaustive.

MARIJUANA: I am no teetotaler! I think that there are many ways to get through a day, but of course some of these ways can hurt as much as they help, and this is why it is critical to make choices that work for our health and relationship as well as our mental well-being. Pot can be problematic because it affects each individual differently, but what I see consistently are two effects: it causes disconnection; and it narrows our window of tolerance over time. 

In layman’s terms, when one partner is on pot and the other is not, there can be a gap in communication and connection, but usually only the sober partner recognizes this, making it difficult to be heard or acknowledged. Additionally, the partner using pot is more easily triggered into feeling attacked, and may have less capacity to self-regulate or respond in a caring way. 

Working with couples like this is always a challenge because I want to be careful to not shame the partner who uses pot, but it is important to call out areas where it is not working vs. areas where it is. Unless a couple is willing to have this conversation, then they will resort to trying to change one another, to no avail. 

STEROIDS: I read  a number of articles about the effects of hard drugs, alcohol abuse, and prescription meds on relationships, but I have yet to find anything about the effects of steroid use on communication and conflict management. I suspect this is because steroid use is most common among gay men these days, meaning it is not considered a mainstream issue. But as someone who has gay male couples coming into my office, I know that I am not imagining the problem. 

Steroid use, like marijuana, affects everyone differently, and there are generalizations about their use that do not apply universally. One of these generalizations is the idea of “roid rage”, which suggests that steroids make the user angrier and more reactive. While this does not always show up, I can attest to struggling with clients’ reactivity where one or both are using steroids to increase muscle mass. 

Usually the work reaches a speedbump that is difficult to get over, and they will stop coming. As a therapist, I cannot make anyone, or even tell them, to stop using steroids, or any other substance, but I will comment on what is happening in the room and ask if this reactivity increases when they are on a cycle of the drugs. I feel this is the best I can do, and it is up to the clients to decide what is more important to them. I assure them that it is normal to have competing values, and while it is not always easy to choose between one or another, it is even more difficult to successfully reach opposing goals. 

DIFFERENCES IN HOW CONSENT IS EXPERIENCED: (I intend to write a longer article about this in the future, but it warrants inclusion in this newsletter due to my recent realization of its importance.) When it comes to socks, it may be “one size fits all”, but that is not the case with subjective experiences of consent. Men and women are told different stories of what consent is, with men often hearing that “as long as they don’t say no, it is a yes!”, and women hearing  a version of “you have an obligation to keep your partner happy”. True consent is rarely present in either story, and therein lies the problem with “one size fits all” approaches to it that are often suggested in print. 

I have found in my work with couples that agreements around consent are different in every relationship, and therefore it must be discussed. For many reasons, they usually are not discussed, causing issues with sexual satisfaction and frequency, silent resentments, trust, safety, and more. A couples’ failure to talk about consent stems from either cultural assumptions or ignorance, both of which can be remedied for the benefit of their sex life. 

Reading about consent is good, but often not good enough. A book cannot tell you about any negative conditioning you or your partner may have personally been exposed to in the past that interferes with true consent. Books that I have read suggest that willingness be present in any sexual situation, but what if you have never felt truly willing in a sexual situation? Willingness is easier if you feel you have the power to say no, but if not, can one truly give consent?

If you are having trouble with consent in your relationship, or any of the other issues I wrote about, I strongly suggest seeking out the help of a qualified couples and sex therapist–your relationship, satisfaction, and safety may depend on it!

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THE HUDDLE

I am not a big sports fan, which is odd considering how I regularly bring up “huddles” in my couples therapy sessions. But when I do this, I assure you we are not really talking about football or soccer! What we are talking about is teams, specifically how a team wins, and the huddle, which I will discuss in this article, is a key element in any team’s approach to winning. 

We didn’t used to think of couples in a relationship as a team–the individuals were more like employees in the same company, but each in charge of different departments. In the old days, men made the money and doled out discipline to the children, while women managed home and child care. While this worked at times to keep a home and family going, both men and women suffered because individual needs were not part of the overall plan (this is why so many men got individual needs met outside the marriage, while women would take sedatives). 

Today, we have mostly moved beyond that stilted and misogynistic model, forging a new version of what home and family looks like and how they can thrive. Many of the relationship experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, have stressed that today’s couples have to work like a team rather than as co-employees. I want to explore what that means for couples, and why it is beneficial to them both as a couple and as an individual . Are you ready? Hut, hut, HIKE! 

WHAT IS A HUDDLE? I’ll be honest with you–I had to look this one up. While there is the definition I use with couples, I thought I should at least verify that what I tell them is accurate before writing an article about it! So here is how Webster’s defines a huddle as applied to football: 

huddle: to gather away from the line of scrimmage to receive instructions (as from the quarterback) for the next down

What does this definition tell us about huddles? That they are a gathering away from where the action is happening in order to make a plan for how to move forward. In this definition, the instructions come from the quarterback, but in a relationship all members act as quarterbacks. I will add to this the  purpose of making this plan–to win the game by getting closer to, and ultimately over, the goal line.

One main question addressed in a huddle is: “What do we do next?” Maybe the team starts by identifying what did not work previously, but there is little time for pointing fingers or blame–the focus is on what’s next! In other words, let’s look briefly at what didn’t work and then decide what might work now. The team does not get distracted by anything that could pull them away from their main objective: to win. And, judging by their continued use by football and soccer teams worldwide, huddles work. 

WHY DO THEY WORK? In his book In Each Other’s Care, Dr. Stan Tatkin says the following about relationship success:

“People make their relationship difficult when they do not orient to a two-person psychological system full of collaboration and cooperation. That lack of a two-person orientation is at the center of all difficulty in couple unions.”

What is another name for a two-person psychological system? A team! There may not be as many members in a relationship team as there are on a sports team, but the point is that the rules work across the board. Here is my understanding of these rules:

  1. The needs of the team supersede the needs of the individual members: The team (relationship) always comes first.
  2. The blame game and defensiveness serve no purpose other than to stop forward movement: Avoid blame and defensiveness. 
  3. If you want your team to win, the individual members must be strong and care for their individual development: Be accountable for what’s yours. 
  4. If one person messes up the plan, the whole team suffers; if one person succeeds, the whole team benefits: You either win or lose together as a team. 
  5. The focus is on what to do next to gain or re-gain ground, always with the intention of winning: The important question to explore is “How can we do better next time? What does our relationship need to thrive?”

What I love about huddles is that they are quick and purposeful–no need to talk until 4 in the morning! They work because they focus on what did work and what will work next. Can you imagine if that was the priority in the conversations you have with your partner(s)? 

HOW TO DO HUDDLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: One of the biggest challenges couples therapists face is how to get their clients to use the skills they develop in sessions at home. In fact, John Gottman wrote about this nearly 25 years ago in his book The Marriage Clinic, describing how only about 35% of couples who do therapy experience meaningful positive changes, but after only a year, 30-50% of these couples relapse into the old patterns. 

Given that, the challenge I face is two-fold:

  • Making a tool or skill appealing to couples so they will use it
  • Looking for any emotional obstacles to using the tool or skill (a topic for a whole article in itself)

Regarding the appeal of huddles, I approach this challenge by first looking for times when a couple is already doing them without knowing they are doing them. Any instance when we have been pressed for time and have to make a decision quickly is an instance where we have likely used the huddle, quickly exploring these things: 

  1. What do we currently know?
  2. What do we need to do right now?
  3. How are we doing to do it?

When decisions need to be made quickly, there is little time for blame, regret, or criticism! You come together and make a plan to get back on track as soon as possible–this is a version of the huddle! Bringing awareness to, and reinforcing, behaviors you are already doing successfully is one way to ensure a tool will be used outside the therapy room. 

Secondly, I spend some time exploring how good it feels for couples on the other side of the huddle–when they have their new direction and are headed there together, connected. Emphasizing how the outcome will feel good is a powerful way to motivate us to do something difficult. Without a desirable  sense of reward, couples will not use the tools, period. 

Lastly, it is my job to look for anything in a client’s history or relationship dynamic that will get in the way of them practicing new skills. This could be resentments, past trauma, depression, or lack of commitment to the relationship. If one or more of these factors are identified, I will either do individual work with them in the couples session, schedule an individual session apart from the couples work, or refer them to outside individual therapy. This is critical! If the obstacle is not addressed and removed, the work will atrophy at home. 

***

Here is the secret I hope my clients will experience for themselves: doing huddles at home is fun! Or at least it can be. I recommend practicing them on everyday situations where there is no anger or resistance. Then you will be ready when the stakes are higher. As an example, let’s say that you are going to the movies, but when you get to the theater the film you want to see is sold out. You could do a quick huddle to decide what to see instead by using the three questions:

  1. What do we currently know? What movies are there still tickets for and when do they start?
  2. What do we need to do right now? Save the evening! Choose an alternate movie and buy tickets, or go somewhere else. 
  3. How are we doing to do it? Agree on a film we have not seen and both want to see, and laugh off the fact that we did not get tickets beforehand. 

When you are dealing with a heavier issue or conflict, using the same process can actually lighten the weight, ensuring that partners stay regulated and connected. When regulated and connected, couples can get to the other side of any problem. 

Remember, if you don’t make it something that you both enjoy or benefit from, you will not do it–so imagine how you will feel towards each other when you have successfully navigated a difference in this way. I think anyone can agree that this feeling is preferable to anger, resentment, and hurt! And just like the sports teams that huddles, practice, practice, practice. 

Huddle up!

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THE VALUE OF REJECTION

No! This is one word that most of us hate hearing (and sometimes have a hard time saying!). But why is that? What is threatening about being denied what we want, ask for, or need? And what makes it difficult to say “no” to others at times?

Clients often tell me they don’t like rejection, making me curious to know what they mean by “rejection”. A quick Google search defines rejection as the dismissing or refusing of a proposal, idea, etc. When put that way, it doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I don’t think this is the type of rejection that most people avoid, however, instead it is the type that feels like a dismissal of them, not just their proposal or idea.

I explored this with a client recently, where a rejection of physical affection from his spouse left him feeling like she found him disgusting and revolting. This was not the case, actually. In reality, he was feeling insecurities he had carried for a long time. They were triggered by her rejection. How does this happen? Should partners never reject requests from one another, and avoid being rejected by the same? Is it really better to live in a world of “yeses”? Can rejection have benefits for a relationship? Is there such as thing a “healthy rejection”?

THERE NEEDS TO BE ROOM FOR “NO”: Our culture has gone through enough shifts in the past several decades that one could get whiplash trying to keep up with the changes! We have gone from celebrating individuality to nesting relationships to insisting that all children have an equal experience in life to marginalizing kids who are gender non-conforming. What are we going for here? Well, it depends on who is in charge, or who is hoping to be in charge, it would seem.

Relationships are not immune from the cultural shifts, and this is why I work with couples to ensure they are making mindful, conscious choices about what does and does not work for the relationship. One of these key choices is whether or not there is room for “no”, or rejection, between them. Why is this important to decide?

It is important simply because rejection is an unavoidable part of life, whether you are single or with a partner. Even if you live alone in the woods, there are times when nature will tell you “NO!”. This is not a problem for those who have been raised securely with a sense of healthy interdependence, boundaries, and a focus on resilience. But for those who missed out on one or more of these elements, a no can feel like abandonment or parental rejection.

This is why parents are strongly encouraged to not give their children everything they ask for when they ask for it, in order to not protect them from all disappointment or sadness. This is not cruel, it is parenting, which is not just keeping your children alive, but also preparing them to be healthy adults.

ENCOURAGES HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: Why is there so much importance placed on boundaries? Are they good or bad for us? Our confusion over this can be seen not just in relationships, but also in our national immigration policies!  This is because what is good for one may not be good for another.

So what then is a healthy boundary? It is setting a limit or a line that benefits both the individual and the relationship, not just the person setting the boundary. Boundaries give us information about what someone can and cannot live with, so it is essential that partners are capable of accepting that some of their behaviors will be rejected by the other. 

Parents have the job of setting boundaries that protect their children and teach them that there are limits and agreements that go along with living with, and around, others. Not yelling “FIRE” in a crowded theater is a sort of boundary that most of us accept without thinking too much about it, because we know that we all benefit from respecting this boundary.

A boundary is a form of rejection simply because it tells someone “no” regarding certain behavior or words. A healthy boundary is a respectful way to say “no”! We could not function very well in relationship without information about the other’s limits! Healthy boundaries protect and support the relationship, banning actions that could weaken a couples’ connection or trust. When used this way, rejection and acceptance go hand in hand to serve and strengthen relationships.

EXPOSES NEEDS THAT WON’T BE MET: Boundaries take care of the individual, but they can also serve to take care of the relationship, as I have discussed in other articles. They do this by identifying, and protecting, needs that are not necessarily going to be noticed or attended to.  Rejection is the process through which one lets another know what boundaries they cannot, or will not agree to.  Rejection can be seen as a boundary response to a boundary.

What your partner can and cannot agree to is vital information to know! While it can feel as though rejection is not loving, another way of looking at it is that, when done respectfully (discussed more below), it can be one of the most loving things we can do! This is because it encourages 1) practicing honesty with each other, and 2) trusting that your partner can hear and handle a “no” response.

Without any room for rejection, partners in a relationship will never really know what needs are not going to be met, because most likely these needs won’t even be expressed! Without that knowledge, how can we make decisions about whether we should get the needs met elsewhere?

I once read a useful approach to relationship needs, which said that we place too many of them on our partners, when many of these needs could be met either by ourselves or by an outside person. The book, The All Or Nothing Marriage, breaks relationship needs into three categories:

  • Needs we can only meet through our partner
  • Needs that we can meet through partner or other
  • Needs that we can meet through partner, other, or ourselves

It is healthy to diversify our needs, because this keeps the relationship from carrying all the weight, helps us to not be completely reliant and learn how to take care of ourselves, and also encourages outside engagements. Rejection, along with acceptance, are the tools we need to do this.

HOW TO DO IT WELL: Fortunately, there is a very easy way to express rejection. You simply have to do it respectfully. This means that rejection cannot be a judgement of the other person or their interests, merely a rejection of them. An example would be:

  • Wrong Way: “No, I don’t want to go to that movie with you–you have terrible taste in films!”
  • Better Way: “No thank you, I would rather not go because I am not really interested in seeing this film. Let me know if it is any good!”

A respectful rejection succeeds because it does not discourage others from making suggestions. A judgmental rejection will cause someone to think twice about making a request in order to avoid feeling badly about themselves. Respectful rejections are easier to give for those who have worked on having compassion, gratitude, humility, patience, and empathy, since these are elements that foster curiosity of others instead of fear.

Conversely, receiving rejection can take a bit more work to get better at. If you are triggered into feeling badly about yourself every time someone tells you “no”, it is important to work with a good therapist to look for any negative beliefs you may have. Any rejection, even a respectful one, can trigger a person’s negative belief about themselves, such as “I am not interesting”, or “Nobody likes me.” If these are not dealt with, you will do anything to avoid rejection, including becoming a people-pleaser. Your relationship will not thrive.

Ultimately, the ability to respectfully give and receive rejection is a matter of emotional maturity and development. A relationship that allows for acceptance and rejection will be more authentic and free of resentment and secrecy. Rejection is your way of simply saying “no”: setting a boundary around what you can or cannot accept. If you truly value honesty in your relationship, make sure you can say “no” to each other. You will come to see that rejection, rather than being an unpleasant thing, is really just the other side of acceptance–and that you can’t have one without the other!

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IS PORN OKAY?

We all have ways to “get through the day”, don’t we? But I notice that some coping behaviors are more acceptable in relationships than others. One that seems to cause problems on a regular basis is the use of pornography.

I chose to write about porn, finally, because the topic comes up almost universally at some point in couples work. Why is it such a divisive issue? Why is it often seen as a form of betrayal, or a sign that one’s attraction for their spouse has decreased or disappeared, when other individual interests don’t trigger these reactions?

Porn, like many things tied to human sexuality, can be misunderstood and simplified, but it is my opinion that the use of it represents a lot more than just “a way to get off”. Not that there is anything wrong with that! I just think that it is more likely that porn, like many coping mechanisms, is often a salve for unmet emotional needs by being an outlet for our fantasy lives.  The fantasy is just the vehicle, though, not the final destination. In other words, porn is a means, not an end in itself. 

This should be reassuring to those who see porn as a threat to their relationship’s sex life, since it suggests that porn is not actually a substitute for sex!

What needs, then, might porn be helping the viewer attend to? And why is sexual fantasy an effective way to do this? How can the threat of porn be dismantled in relationships and instead embraced and accepted as an individual or joint exercise toward relational satisfaction and individual development? How can we embrace porn viewing as a healthy means to an end? 

WHERE IT CAME FROM AND WHY: Sexual imagery has always existed, from the earliest time that humans were able to create drawings or write words. One definition of the word pornography suggests that it originally depicted, through words and drawings, the life of prostitutes. Since the many definitions are not consistent with one other, there is not just one story of its history. But most will agree that in order to be considered pornographic, the words and/or images have to be illegal or illicit, as opposed to any culturally accepted erotic material. This can get confusing, of course–as in the recent disagreement over whether the Statue of David is art or pornography. 

Some form of sexual imagery has been around forever, though the functions of such imagery have changed over time. It is for this reason that I want to focus on the purpose(s) it serves today, in modern sexuality and relationships, and what happens when it is the cause of conflict between relationship partners. 

GOOD OR BAD? RIGHT OR WRONG? IT DEPENDS: In my work with couples, I avoid using the words good, bad, right, or wrong. I do this so that I am not imposing any moral judgements on the actions of my clients. What I personally think about their actions is none of their business, unless they are a danger to themselves or another. But what they think about themselves is definitely my business, since this is often the internal conflict bringing them into my office!

In order to create a non-judgmental space where we can explore problematic behaviors and move towards understanding, compassion, and a plan for change, I focus simply on whether the behaviors are working or not working for the client. How do I do this? Well, I let them tell me! What I have found is that this determination depends on clients’ values: what is important to them and what gives their lives meaning.

There is a therapeutic saying that goes like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.” If we apply this approach to porn, then the following question will come up when it is presented as a problem: Does your porn usage have a negative impact on your health, work, finances, or relationships? A “yes” answer in any of these areas of impact lets me know that, in that area or areas, porn is not working for them, and we have to take a deeper look. 

The bottom line is that in order to do my work, I have to set aside any moral judgement and find out what matters to the clients, and what is getting in the way of them moving towards that. But if you want my personal opinion, here it is. Porn is not bad or wrong, it is instead a way to feel connected–to our sexuality, to our aliveness, to our eroticism, to sex, to ourselves, to another. It is a way to connect to the moment when our head is spinning from the workday. It is a way to connect to a fantasy world where we are not old or sick or tired. It is a way to connect to our imagination. It is all these things, and more.

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For clients who report that it does not work for them in their relationships, I have to first find out what meaning each partner assigns to it so I know what the real conflict is (porn as the vehicle, not the destination). For example, a user might be watching porn in order to connect to their own erotic life. This can happen after an illness or surgery, after giving birth, or during a period of grief or depression. They might also be using it to find out more about their sexuality or sex in general–we are often not even sure what turns us on! 

Next, I look for areas where the couple is actually fighting for the same thing—shared values obscured by conflict. This is not as hard as it sounds. Who doesn’t want to feel any one of the connections I listed two paragraphs up? Where there is conflict about porn usage, the work is about helping the couple to talk about, and understand, differences,  so they don’t feel threatened by what is not familiar to them or not what they like. 

Finally, I help them to find a compromise that involves the relationship winning rather than one individual or the other. Any successful compromise will ask that each partner be willing to give up some of what they want so that they both win. This is why I have previously written about the importance of putting the relationship first–if you don’t, then you will fight to win rather than to connect. 

A compromise like this will increase closeness because it requires that couples talk to one another to increase mutual understanding of differences, which often reveals that they are not that different after all. Though porn may not be a familiar vehicle for some, some of the needs it meets are universal to all of us. A recognition of this commonality can turn fear, judgement, and resentment into compassion, understanding, and closeness. 

HOW TO NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT PORN: If porn is a way to feel alive, sexy, desirable, and vibrant, then it is good to know that it is not the only way! In a society where sex and self-pleasure are often associated with shame and guilt, it is my opinion that porn provides a safe way to avoid the finger-pointing of others–this is why it is usually viewed in private. Porn does not have to be a private enterprise–but the use of it is not usually celebrated publicly. It may be seen as a weakness, or a guilty secret. 

But if you don’t want to be shamed for something, it helps to not engage with it shamefully! This is why I encourage couples to bring the topics of sex, sexuality, sensuality, turn-ons, and turn-offs into their discussions together. One of the great benefits of creating a relationship together is that it is an opportunity to create your own personal culture, and if you grew up in a sex-shaming community, you don’t have to carry that legacy into your own home. The irony is that when couples are willing to talk to each other about their needs, it strengthens what many call “traditional family values”: commitment, fidelity, and trust! 

So whether you use porn or not, my recommendation is that you learn how to talk to your partner about your inner erotic world. Sharing porn preferences with one another is only one way to express turn-ons, but not the only way. A skilled couples and sex therapist can help you to navigate these conversations, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to your partner: “I want to be able to talk to you about sex and desire, but I don’t know how and I feel shame even brining it up.”

Sometimes the best first step is admitting, and expressing, what is going on with you in the moment. Remember that sharing vulnerability invites shared vulnerability. This is how a relationship is nurtured. 

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I am encouraged seeing the reduction of the stigma attached to porn, due primarily to its increased availability online–no longer do magazines have to be hidden under the bed and in closets! I have hope that this accessibility motivates couples to more openly discuss topics that used to be considered private. The reason for doing so is this gives our partners valuable information about the activities, fantasies, words, and thoughts that take us out of our heads and into our bodies and pleasure centers. While our private inner world will always be a place to enjoy oneself in acts of self-pleasure, there are valid and enticing reasons today for inviting a loved one inside to join you: heightened pleasure, trust, connection, and discovery. 

Ethically produced porn itself is neither good nor bad–it depends on the meaning assigned to it. If porn is a problem for you in your relationship, start by questioning the purpose it serves you or your partner, and asking if that purpose fulfills not only the user’s needs, but also the needs of the relationship. If the answer to the latter question is “yes”, then by all means, press “PLAY”! 

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ROMANCE AFTER 10+ YEARS

I’m gonna just say it–romance is not just for young lovers and new relationships! Romance, like chocolate, is something that can be enjoyed throughout the entire adult lifespan, if one continues to get enjoyment from it. But I will also say this–it is harder to feel romance for someone you see everyday over a long period of time in, well, less than romantic situations. 

This is why it can be helpful to know that it is perfectly natural for romance, something that may have come easily and spontaneously in the beginning, to require a bit of effort in a long-term relationship. There is no shame in admitting this! I am amazed at how we can accept that many things in life will take some work to maintain, but when it comes to love, romance, and sex, we are misled into thinking that they will maintain themselves. If this is the case for your relationship, then great! But if you are like most of us, you could use a few tips on how to re-light the fire, whether it is for Valentine’s Day, an anniversary, or an occasional Date Night. 

ROMANCE IS NOT BASED ON PASSION: Couples regularly come to my therapy office seeking ways to feel the passion they had for one another when they first started dating. This is understandable, because those feelings are wonderful to feel! The start of a relationship can make us feel alive, sexy, cared about, wanted, and interesting–all good things. The only problem with this stage is that it usually only lasts for 6-12 months. After that, things can start to become a bit “calmer” as we begin to navigate the intricacies of relationship development. 

The biology around this, in a nutshell, is that the early stage of excitement between two people, what we often call “passion”, is actually a process of “bonding”, where our brains release chemicals that encourage us to focus on one individual over a period of time in order to build safety and trust. You can imagine how this would be useful for the process of creating a family, which is what our biology wants us to do, but for the average person on a date, the immediate goal is often just sex. 

(If you want to geek out on the science of love, attachment, and bonding, you can read more HERE.)

Romance, on the other hand, is not based in biology, it is based in the cultural history of courtship and how we view self-fulfillment, but is continues to strongly influence our desire for a sexual partner. The trick is to separate the wheat from the chaff, as they used to say, or, in other words, knowing what is helpful and what is not. 

When I say that romance is not based on passion, I am making a distinction between how we are biologically wired to behave regarding sex and how we learn to think about it. Recognizing this difference allows partners who want more romance in their relationship to “hack the system” more effectively, using both their biology (hormones), and their perspective of each other (thinking). 

ROMANCE MAY OR MAY NOT LEAD TO SEX: Centuries ago, romance didn’t lead to sex, necessarily–it was more of a tool for increasing social status! In the 1900’s, it didn’t necessarily lead to sex either, at least not until after marriage! As societal stigma toward pre-marital sex weakened in the last half of that century, it seems that people would use romance to get sex; when I was growing up in the 1970’s and 80’s, romance was associated just as much with sex as it was with marriage.

What I notice today is that romance is nearly dead as a pathway toward sex. Today, sex is often simply the result of either a transactional agreement between partners (what can you do for me?), or the influence of drugs and/or alcohol. Not very sexy, if you ask me. But many younger people don’t share my view–they see this approach as liberating–sex is given and taken freely(ideally) and with mutual consent, with pleasure as the one goal so nobody gets hurt. No muss, no fuss!

So why do couples, both new and long-term, place so much weight on the role of romance in relationship and sex when holidays like Valentine’s Day or an anniversary come around? My hunch is that these couples are wanting to feel something in their relationships that they think is missing and important to feel—romance! But romance is just the packaging, the feelings underneath are excitement and anticipation–that sense that you are important and have something to look forward to. 

If you agree with my perspective, then there is good news! Romance, rather than being an essential element of passion and attraction, is instead a label as well as a byproduct of couples who actively choose to be more present and curious with each other! As a label, you can place it on any feeling or activity you choose–romance sets a story into motion that can bring couples closer. And when couples intentionally show curiosity towards one another in a mindful way, romance is generated from the connection they feel.

What these couples do with romance is completely up to them! They can utilize it to have passionate sex together, or a cuddle-fest under a blanket in front of the fireplace, and everything in-between. Romance, when authentically created from your interest in who your partner is in the moment, is something that does not need to be forced or staged–it doesn’t require a setting or an expensive dinner. It just requires that you and your partner show up for each other. That, not romance, is what leads to loving sensual, loving sex–if you want it!

ALL THE BENEFITS, NONE OF THE DOWNFALLS! Many of us think back to the beginnings of relationships with wistful fondness, wishing we could feel that excitement yet again with our partner. But you know what else we often felt along with that excitement? Anxiety, fear, doubt, insecurity, impatience, and frustration. Yes, the beginning of a relationship can be a heady time, full of romance and sexual energy and hope, but the headiness is just not sustainable because of the elevated state it requires one’s body and mind to be in. 

That elevated state does serve a purpose in that it encourages bonding, which is an important stage in relationship building, but it is only the first stage. It eventually shifts into something calmer, more secure (hopefully). But this does not mean that you have to give up romance, especially if you both value it and the role it plays in your dynamic . It just means you may have to put a bit of effort into feeling it.

This is good news. It means that you have some control, and choice, in what your relationship feels like over time. But wait! There is more good news! When you succeed in generating romance, you may be pleasantly surprised to find it missing the negative elements listed above, because the calm, secure energy is maintained. You get all of the benefits, with none of the downfalls! And this is when couples can truly thrive together, in a state of safe risk, calm excitement, and playful creativity. 

And it doesn’t ever have to end if you are both committed to it.

So if you want to choose it with your partner, then be willing to take some risks with them–because that vulnerability is very sexy (it’s what we fall in love with!) Bring back favorite activities or explore new ones–it is the shared experience that you are going for–romance comes from a place of discovery. You don’t have to feel it immediately, just trust the process and be present, and let the connection come from that. Romance is created out of the way we think about our partner, which then affects how we feel about them. There is nothing wrong with needing a nice setting and good lighting to change our perspective! 

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What I find exciting about being a couples therapist today is that relationship, marriage, and sex are being pulled apart and re-imagined in ways that better serve all partners, both as individual and as community members. By making relationships something you choose rather than an obligation, you invite choice to be a key player throughout your time together. Romance can be expressed in as many ways as one can imagine, both in words and in actions–I leave it up to you and your preferences to come up with juicy possibilities. So if you value the energy that romance brings to the table, then I say choose it!–together, and show the young lovers what they have to look forward to.