Gottman – Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals

March 24, 2026April 7, 2026

KEEP YOUR RELATIONSHIP OFF SOCIAL MEDIA

As a therapist, it’s not my job to tell clients what to do or not do–it’s my job to ask questions that lead clients to their own answers. However, couples therapy is a bit different in that there are things that should and should not be done if you want to have a successful relationship.

For example, the Gottmans are famous for their “Four Horsemen“, where they state, from their own research, that if you do one or more of these damaging behaviors on a regular basis, your relationship will end. Naturally the conclusion is that couples should try to avoid these strategies. No further questions are necessary!

However there is also a camp in professional circles that thinks therapists have a responsibility to advocate for their clients’ well-being, which often means being directive at times. I find this to be helpful–why would a therapist hold onto information he or she knows and force a client to find it out the hard way?

The mid-ground approach is to present a helpful directive by saying: “I have noticed that this works for a lot of people. Do you think it might work for you?” This approach both reveals the therapist bias while still preserving the clients’ autonomy and ability to choose their own solutions.

So how does my thinking on social media use in relationships play into this? Well, it is not as simple as defining it as good or bad. When evaluating its value for couples, I use the same lens I use for any of their behaviors by asking “Is it working for the relationship?” Like many things couples do, it is important to look at the purpose of that activity and whether it helps the relationship thrive or not, based on their definition of thriving. Easier said than done, so let’s look at some of the complexities with addressing this issue.

THE DRAW: Remember back when social media was presented as an easier way to stay connected with people in your life? Ah, the good ol’ days! It was not long before the creators of these platforms realized that they could monetize human nature in both its highest and lowest forms. But before that happened, social media allowed couples to give others a window into their relationship journey in a way that felt connective.

For those on the receiving end of these posts, there was a feeling of shared participation when viewing content, especially when comments could be made about what was shared. The benefit of sharing on social media was that we were able to curate not only what we shared, but what we hoped it would say about our relationships. Social media gave us more control over the narrative of our lives, as seen by others, regardless of what was happening behind closed doors.

We quickly found out that not only could we control the narrative, we could also enhance it. Editing and filters gave us the power to alter reality to our benefit, resulting in higher levels of status amongst those who followed our posts. Humans have always been status-seeking creatures, because high status elevates power, control, and opportunity.

It is well known that when we have a high status in our culture or the society we live in, we feel safer, calmer, and better about ourselves. Public approval validates the choices we are making, leading us to believe that we are “doing something right”. Sometimes that is the case, but other times it just reinforces that we are acting within approved lines. Not the worst thing we could do, but also not always the best.

The draw of sharing on social media was initially for connection with others, and that is not only valid, but also good for us and our relationships. But what exactly is real connection? Does the sharer feel more connected for sharing or does the receiver for receiving? Is knowing what somebody else is doing in life actually a connection, or does it just feel like one? I think it can be both, depending on the actions of those involved. But suffice it to say that the success of social media platforms shows us how important connection is to us as human beings.

THE COST: While having some control over how our relationship is seen by others is a draw to many couples, what happens when we have experiences with our partner that may be less appealing to others? Do we alter the truth, or simply not show it? When does the sharing shift from being an accurate representation to a scripted fantasy or a selective narrative?

Don’t get me wrong–sharing has always been selective. Back in my youth when I took photos with an actual camera, I would only put the “good ones” in the family album for others to see. This is not manipulative, it is human–we want to be seen, and see ourselves, in a good light. Nobody takes photos of the family fights!

But sharing with family members, relatives, and friends is very different than what is happening in social media today, where the sharer often feels an obligation to please their followers–there is more at stake and more at risk. And these risks can take a toll on one’s relationship, especially when risk management takes priority over relationship satisfaction.

I have worked with couples in my practice who tell me, usually in the first session, that they are a “power couple” in whatever social community they are a part of. Yet what they reveal in the room is what goes on behind the curtain–and what regularly comes up is the pressure they feel to hit a high bar of expectation for how they are perceived on social media. What was once a tool to expand their friend group and share with others becomes something restrictive–the couple serves the image they have created, rather than the image being reflective of their lives.

This can turn fun activities into work, and connection into a commodity. All is done in service of recording and sharing. The whole purpose of being together has changed from personal development to social advancement. This can change the whole purpose of a couple being together, sometimes resulting in the relationship ending. The cost is different for each couple, but often something is lost in the transition, and the question they have to ask themselves is: Was it worth it?

IF YOU MUST SHARE, SHARE THIS: If you have made it this far in the article, you might be thinking to yourself: “This guy is too old to understand how modern relationships work with social media!” You might be right, but my opinions are formed from the many hours I have worked with young couples struggling to connect in real life despite their idyllic relationship relationship image online.

Social media is here to stay, because throughout history we have always valued a way to record the stories of our lives. I am not against social media at all, nor am I for it. I see social media as simply a tool, and its value depends on how we use it, and what purpose we place upon it.

So are there ways that social media can be used to support relationship wellness? Absolutely! But rather than list the ways I find supportive, I offer a simple gauge to use that will quickly clarify what you are up to with the postings. I invite you to ask yourself:

Is this for connection or projection?

In essence this question is asking, in a Kantian way, are you treating your social media audience as an end in itself, or as a means to something else?

As mentioned earlier, when social media first appeared, it was touted as a tool for connection, and initially it served that purpose well–helping friends and relatives stay in touch with each other, supporting new friendships and group activities, helping those who felt like outsiders to find their people. But we all know what happened as time went on–its use was overtaken by our own reptilian minds, and by those who valued its earning potential. These “tools for connection” offered just enough disconnection to remove empathy and compassion from the interactions between people.

Using the question above will allow couples to pause long enough to engage with intention rather than reaction, to share rather than boast, to comment supportively rather than critically. We all thought that social media was a tool for connection. In reality, it was just a tool. The intent to connect needs to actually be intentional.

I will also say that if you have a business with your partner or spouse, and that is the primary reason you are together, then social media can work to support that vision. It’s not for me, but I have worked with couples who are together because they garner more attention as a couple than they do individually–they are in a form of relationship as business. That is a valid choice, as long as both individuals are on the same page, and again, not using each other as a means to an end.

There may be a day when our current use of social media will be seen as “quaint”, or looked at, with nostalgia, as a relic of “simpler times”. Hard to imagine, but it is possible. In the meantime, I like to remind myself that things are always changing, and as long as I remain clear on the direction I am moving in my relationship, then the “tools” that come and go won’t pull it of the road.

In the same way that you and your partner are the main drivers of your relationship, you are also the drivers of your engagement with the world. To make sure that these engagements support relationship health, just remember to ask yourself, “Will this engagement allow my relationship to thrive?” If the answer is anything other than yes, I recommend taking a good long pause to consider what is truly most important to you.

November 7, 2023

THE HUDDLE

I am not a big sports fan, which is odd considering how I regularly bring up “huddles” in my couples therapy sessions. But when I do this, I assure you we are not really talking about football or soccer! What we are talking about is teams, specifically how a team wins, and the huddle, which I will discuss in this article, is a key element in any team’s approach to winning.

We didn’t used to think of couples in a relationship as a team–the individuals were more like employees in the same company, but each in charge of different departments. In the old days, men made the money and doled out discipline to the children, while women managed home and child care. While this worked at times to keep a home and family going, both men and women suffered because individual needs were not part of the overall plan (this is why so many men got individual needs met outside the marriage, while women would take sedatives).

Today, we have mostly moved beyond that stilted and misogynistic model, forging a new version of what home and family looks like and how they can thrive. Many of the relationship experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, have stressed that today’s couples have to work like a team rather than as co-employees. I want to explore what that means for couples, and why it is beneficial to them both as a couple and as an individual . Are you ready? Hut, hut, HIKE!

WHAT IS A HUDDLE? I’ll be honest with you–I had to look this one up. While there is the definition I use with couples, I thought I should at least verify that what I tell them is accurate before writing an article about it! So here is how Webster’s defines a huddle as applied to football:

huddle: to gather away from the line of scrimmage to receive instructions (as from the quarterback) for the next down

What does this definition tell us about huddles? That they are a gathering away from where the action is happening in order to make a plan for how to move forward. In this definition, the instructions come from the quarterback, but in a relationship all members act as quarterbacks. I will add to this the purpose of making this plan–to win the game by getting closer to, and ultimately over, the goal line.

One main question addressed in a huddle is: “What do we do next?” Maybe the team starts by identifying what did not work previously, but there is little time for pointing fingers or blame–the focus is on what’s next! In other words, let’s look briefly at what didn’t work and then decide what might work now. The team does not get distracted by anything that could pull them away from their main objective: to win. And, judging by their continued use by football and soccer teams worldwide, huddles work.

WHY DO THEY WORK? In his book In Each Other’s Care, Dr. Stan Tatkin says the following about relationship success:

“People make their relationship difficult when they do not orient to a two-person psychological system full of collaboration and cooperation. That lack of a two-person orientation is at the center of all difficulty in couple unions.”

What is another name for a two-person psychological system? A team! There may not be as many members in a relationship team as there are on a sports team, but the point is that the rules work across the board. Here is my understanding of these rules:

The needs of the team supersede the needs of the individual members: The team (relationship) always comes first.
The blame game and defensiveness serve no purpose other than to stop forward movement: Avoid blame and defensiveness.
If you want your team to win, the individual members must be strong and care for their individual development: Be accountable for what’s yours.
If one person messes up the plan, the whole team suffers; if one person succeeds, the whole team benefits: You either win or lose together as a team.
The focus is on what to do next to gain or re-gain ground, always with the intention of winning: The important question to explore is “How can we do better next time? What does our relationship need to thrive?”

What I love about huddles is that they are quick and purposeful–no need to talk until 4 in the morning! They work because they focus on what did work and what will work next. Can you imagine if that was the priority in the conversations you have with your partner(s)?

HOW TO DO HUDDLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: One of the biggest challenges couples therapists face is how to get their clients to use the skills they develop in sessions at home. In fact, John Gottman wrote about this nearly 25 years ago in his book The Marriage Clinic, describing how only about 35% of couples who do therapy experience meaningful positive changes, but after only a year, 30-50% of these couples relapse into the old patterns.

Given that, the challenge I face is two-fold:

Making a tool or skill appealing to couples so they will use it
Looking for any emotional obstacles to using the tool or skill (a topic for a whole article in itself)

Regarding the appeal of huddles, I approach this challenge by first looking for times when a couple is already doing them without knowing they are doing them. Any instance when we have been pressed for time and have to make a decision quickly is an instance where we have likely used the huddle, quickly exploring these things:

What do we currently know?
What do we need to do right now?
How are we doing to do it?

When decisions need to be made quickly, there is little time for blame, regret, or criticism! You come together and make a plan to get back on track as soon as possible–this is a version of the huddle! Bringing awareness to, and reinforcing, behaviors you are already doing successfully is one way to ensure a tool will be used outside the therapy room.

Secondly, I spend some time exploring how good it feels for couples on the other side of the huddle–when they have their new direction and are headed there together, connected. Emphasizing how the outcome will feel good is a powerful way to motivate us to do something difficult. Without a desirable sense of reward, couples will not use the tools, period.

Lastly, it is my job to look for anything in a client’s history or relationship dynamic that will get in the way of them practicing new skills. This could be resentments, past trauma, depression, or lack of commitment to the relationship. If one or more of these factors are identified, I will either do individual work with them in the couples session, schedule an individual session apart from the couples work, or refer them to outside individual therapy. This is critical! If the obstacle is not addressed and removed, the work will atrophy at home.

***

Here is the secret I hope my clients will experience for themselves: doing huddles at home is fun! Or at least it can be. I recommend practicing them on everyday situations where there is no anger or resistance. Then you will be ready when the stakes are higher. As an example, let’s say that you are going to the movies, but when you get to the theater the film you want to see is sold out. You could do a quick huddle to decide what to see instead by using the three questions:

What do we currently know? What movies are there still tickets for and when do they start?
What do we need to do right now? Save the evening! Choose an alternate movie and buy tickets, or go somewhere else.
How are we doing to do it? Agree on a film we have not seen and both want to see, and laugh off the fact that we did not get tickets beforehand.

When you are dealing with a heavier issue or conflict, using the same process can actually lighten the weight, ensuring that partners stay regulated and connected. When regulated and connected, couples can get to the other side of any problem.

Remember, if you don’t make it something that you both enjoy or benefit from, you will not do it–so imagine how you will feel towards each other when you have successfully navigated a difference in this way. I think anyone can agree that this feeling is preferable to anger, resentment, and hurt! And just like the sports teams that huddles, practice, practice, practice.

Huddle up!

July 6, 2022

PUTTING RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST

As a couples therapist, I tend to think a lot about why relationships have problems. Why do we struggle so with the one person we love the most? It doesn’t help that the very way we, as a culture, participate in relationships changes over time. Relationships do not serve the exact same purpose that they served in 1950. Or 1960 or 1980. And yet people often go into relationship as if nothing has changed.

What is the outcome of this? From what I have observed, relationships suffer. And when relationships suffer, so do the individuals who are in the relationships.

There must be a way out of this! Fortunately, there is, though it can be difficult to act on. Before we get into the way out, let’s first look at what has changed, and why these changes are not necessarily bad news.

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE, AND THAT IS NOT A BAD THING: They say that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. What? Isn’t a relationship supposed to take you away from pain and suffering and give you peace and happiness “until death do we part”? Well, it all depends on what stories you were told about relationships and marriage, but if you are like most of us, very few of the stories we are told actually do us any good when it comes to actually being in a relationship. Where do we get these stories from?

Up until the late 60’s or so, the purpose of marriage was fairly clear-cut in society: to settle down and raise a family with someone you love. However, this was a change from what came before it. Earlier versions of marriage prioritized the protection of property or the strengthening of a family name over settling down or falling in love. Couples raised families to pass on the family name and property, if there was any, and they often married because that was the best way to survive life. Couples had kids so there were extra working hands, even if there was no property to hand down.

Today, though those templates continue to exist in the world, they have been largely superseded by the needs of “modern” couples. Those needs are a combination of needs from the past, as well as current expectations, which can vary from couple to couple. To put it bluntly, marriage and relationship has changed more than most of us want to admit, and they continue to evolve as I write this.

So what are the needs of modern couples? And why should they come before the needs of the individuals? Who gets to decide what these relationship needs are, and how they will be met? And what happens when they are neglected or de-prioritized?

Well, what happens is these couples often end up in my office , wondering how to get their relationship “back on track”. But before we can even start doing that, I have to first find out what their track even looks like. You know what? They often don’t know themselves.

WHY SHOULD YOU PUT THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST? When couples get together, they often imagine a relationship based on either what is familiar from their own family, or from what they have seen in the outside world or in the media. While there is nothing wrong with this frame of reference, it is often not “thick enough” to hold all the complexities that show up in the actual relationship.

When the relationship we have no longer matches the relationship we imagined, it becomes less of a safe place and more of a threat. What we know about the brain when it senses a threat is that it focuses attention on how to protect the homeland–in other words, we care more about our own well-being than another’s. We take care of our individual needs and abandon the needs of our partner and the relationship. We do this to survive.

While this strategy works fine if we are facing an actual threat, it works against us when the “threat” is our partner being upset about something we did or said. Abandoning the relationship to focus on our needs gives our partner the message that we will not be there for them when the going gets tough, which in turn reinforces the relationship not being a safe place. Just think about it–if the captain of the ship abandons the ship, not only is the ship doomed, but so are all the passengers!

So what to do? I suggest leaning into the relationship. This is not the same thing as agreeing with your partner’s accusations of allowing yourself to be abused. Instead it means that you remember that when one of you is in trouble, both of you are in trouble, and both of you are required to return the relationship to safety.

This is not my idea. I heard about it from Stan Tatkin, the renowned author and couples therapist up in Agoura Hills, CA. I took a workshop where he talked about how the needs of the relationship must always come first, before the needs of the individual. By making this commitment and choice, a couple can more successfully navigate disagreements and conflicts, because they will recognize that when the relationship (both of them) does well, each of them (as individuals) also do well.

There is a saying that when the relationship wins, both partners win, but when one individual wins and the other loses, everybody loses. This is because when you go for the individual need over the relationship need, it is the same as cutting off your nose to spite your face! You are one half of the relationship, so why would you abandon part of yourself? If one part of you is hurting, don’t you attend to it?

Couples who prioritize the relationship needs over individual needs experience more connection and safety in their relationships. So let’s explore how to actually do this in your relationship when push comes to shove.

HOW TO DO THIS SUCCESSFULLY: First and foremost, don’t wait until push comes to shove! Although it is possible for a couple to come back from a severe breach in trust or connection, it can be more difficult for those who do not have a strong shared foundation in their relationship. What does this foundation look like?

John Gottman’s work over the last several decades has highlighted the importance for couples to act as a team. This does not mean giving up your individuality–on the contrary–being part of a secure team often helps one to thrive in their individual lives. Gottman calls the process of creating a relationship team the Sound Relationship House, where the first floor is about getting to know your partner’s inner world.

When a couple has a strong first floor of their Relationship House, they can move up floors in order to create shared meaning and explore each others’ dreams.

But individual dreams are not the only dreams that need to be attended to. Successful couples work to build shared dreams and shared purpose. Dr. Stan Tatkin writes and talks about this in his work, as I wrote earlier. In order to do this, couples need to actually come up with shared dreams and purpose, because they don’t create themselves, unless you part of a community that gives them to you!

In my therapy office, when couples tell me that they want to build a stronger relationship, I will sometimes reply provocatively by asking, “Why?” The goal of that question is to find out what is the “purpose” of them being together. Couples get together mostly because of mutual attraction initially, but beyond sex, what is the reason for creating a relationship with this person?

Shared dreams and purpose come from a couples shared values–what is important to you? Some of these things are non-negotiable, and some are negotiable, but when committed to together, they create a shared dream that is worth fighting for. This dream is what will influence couples to resist the pull to criticize, withdraw, shutdown, or attack when conflict arises. This dream will be the motivation to strengthen your connection to one another.

A shared dream comes with needs to keep it alive, and when these needs come first, there is a better chance that in any conflict, the relationship will win rather than one individual or the other.

***

Sometimes it can feel like being in a relationship involves too much to keep track of. But the good news is that when you make a habit of keeping track of it, it becomes the air you breathe. The effort you put in is a conscious choice, but it begins to feel natural and vital, especially when you reap the benefits of these efforts.

Putting the needs of the relationship first ensures that you have a partner working with you to protect and nurture the relationship–you are not a lone ranger. As you both work to support and prioritize the relationship, you may find that the relationship in turn supports you in your individual development. Having something bigger than you–the two of you–gives you something to defend without turning against your partner. When you put the relationship needs first, you will both be fighting for the relationship, yourself, and each other. It is a win-win!