shared dreams – Relationship Therapy for Couples & Individuals

December 10, 2024December 10, 2024

HOW TO MEET THE NEW YEAR

Whenever we approach a new year, it is common to do so with both excitement and anxiety. I will notice in myself that these two emotions are associated with what I know, as well as what I don’t know, about the upcoming year. This makes sense. If one definition of anxiety is “fear of the unknown future”, could we also not be excited about the same? After all, fear and excitement often show up together.

Currently, clients in my office report more anxiety than excitement about the coming year. In many cases, this anxiety is a reaction to what is happening politically in the country–people are worried about our future as a nation! It is my job to balance the line between having empathy for their suffering, while not siding with one perspective or another. Therapists are encouraged to not be biased in the room, but I do think we have a duty to advocate for what is best for our clients.

What this means is that rather than join my clients in their perspective, I explore how it is working for them, and if it causes them suffering, we work to lessen the suffering. This can be done in a number of ways, but there are a couple approaches I like to use:

changing the story you have about what is happening (how you think about it)
changing your relationship to what is happening (how you feel about it)

I favor these approaches because they allow us to work with what is under our control to change, in other words, how we think, feel, or experience what is happening. Let’s explore why this can be helpful.

LOOK AT HISTORY: One article I enjoyed reading recently reminded me of how our political parties actually need each other to thrive–that they act as opposite ends of a see-saw, moving up and down around a solid center. Going way back to the early 20th century, we see that power has shifted between the political parties on a fairly predictable basis (which ideally keeps both on their toes). What this suggests is that if you don’t like what is going on, there is a good bet that it will change in the not too distant future.

Another benefit of looking at history is that it can show us how our stories about it can change over time. An obvious example of this is slavery–while it was once considered “good” for society (at least by those who had them), it is now universally seen as a bad thing by anyone even minimally invested in human rights and decency.

And while distant events give us the time and space to develop a different perspective on them, it can be difficult to do so with recent or current happenings–we are still too close to our emotional responses to zoom out. History can serve as a reminder that things will change, and what was once considered unbearable can one day be seen as an occurrence that motivated positive change.

We need both good and bad experiences in life in order to build appreciation, confidence, and resilience. Pleasurable experiences are joyful for sure, but painful experiences often offer the greatest opportunities for growth because of how they can challenge our ways of thinking. In the next section we will look at where to find those opportunities.

WHAT IS UNDER YOUR CONTROL?: Complaining is a natural and healthy activity–it is a message to ourselves and the world that we don’t like something. If anger is the feeling that something is not right, then complaining is the communication of that anger.

Many people will mix up complaining and whining, but they are different things. Whining is complaining, but also not wanting to be part of the solution. In other words, whiners blame something or someone— they don’t take any responsibility for what is happening or for it changing.

While I understand whining (let’s face it–blaming is easier in the short run!), it does not produce change. This is why, when vetting new therapy clients, I always look for their willingness to change–without this there is no client. I bring this up because if one is looking for opportunities for growth within negative, unwanted, or painful experiences, their best bet is to look at what is under their control: responses and actions.

The person most likely to thrive during challenging times is the one who focuses on both how they think about what is happening, and any actions they can take to create change. Our brains tend to look at what is most threatening, which is usually those things out of our control. We can’t make anybody change by force, and there are problems in the world that require corporations or governments to take action, but that does not mean that we are powerless.

So when we are facing scary times, either locally or globally, the first step is to distinguish between what you have control over and what you don’t, and then ask yourself if you are willing to explore change in the areas you have control over. Again, these areas include how you respond, what you can change in yourself, and how you think about what is happening. This can have a powerful effect on our experience of life. It can make the difference between feeling hopeful or hopeless.

HEADING INTO THE NEW YEAR: When you find yourself facing another new year, it is not just a time to “set resolutions”–it is also a time to check on what direction you are moving in your life. Are you still on your path? Has the path changed? Did you ever have a path, or were you moving down the road without any direction? Do you need a different means to get where you are headed?

When I work with clients, I tell them that we want to move in the direction of our values. Values are not goals–we never reach them, instead we are constantly checking our choices against them to see if we are up to what we want to be up to.

Without a direction (or values), we are likely to go where the environment, or another person, wants us to go. That is not necessarily bad, but it might not serve us well individually. Setting a direction can be called finding a purpose, or vision, in life. Whatever you call it, if it is enticing enough to you, nothing that is going on in the world will take you completely off course. You may veer off course a bit, but as long as you are still going in the direction of your values you can find your way back to the road.

So as you face the new year, as yourself, “What response to what is happening would keep me going in the direction of my values?”

Those who are in relationships have the good fortune of being able to practice this every day–every response to our partner can be gauged by the direction it moves us. If we value “connection” our response will look one way, if we don’t, it will look another.

Another helpful gauge is to ask yourself, when having negative feelings, if the feelings match the facts. Our feelings about what is going on can be unduly influenced by past events in our lives, making our response more dramatic than it needs to be. Checking in on the facts can bring us back into the present reality by asking some of the following questions:

Do I know that what I am thinking is true? Is it 100% true?
What do I know that I know, what do I know that I don’t know?
How often in my life has the worst-case scenario come to pass?
Are there resources I have that I may not be fully utilizing?

The writer Ryan Holiday wrote a book called “The Obstacle Is The Way“, and while I recommend reading this book, you certainly don’t have to do so in order to benefit from the wisdom of the title. We naturally avoid painful experiences because in the past they could harm us, but nowadays most threats are not as fatal. Unfortunately, our thinking about them has not changed much, and in fact has increased in negativity because so many of today’s threats are in the unknown future, so we never feel we are past them.

What if, as Mr. Holiday asks, we act like the Stoics and look for opportunities for growth and learning within the obstacle? What if we could face a painful reality with a positive vision of who we could be on the other side of the struggle? What if the obstacle could be the way?

In the new year, I challenge you to form a vision of yourself that you hope to be once the year has ended, and then look at what actions you can take today to start moving towards that vision. That is not avoidance, it is a response, and the most powerful way I know to make sure that you are the main author of your own life.

March 14, 2023

HOW DID WE GET HERE?

I was recently blown away while watching the limited HULU series Fleishman Is In Trouble. Beyond the terrific script and fantastic acting, the premise of the show appealed to me because it explored marriage. The marriages depicted in the series were not what one would call “good marriages”, though they had their positive points. They were instead quite problematic, not because the spouses were ill-matched, but because they lost track of their intention for getting married in the first place.

All of the main characters have a moment in the series where they ask themselves: “How did I get here?”, as though some unseen force has had control over the path their lives have taken. Truth is, that is how life can feel sometimes, right? We can easily be pulled into the busy-ness of our daily routines: working, raising a family, running a home; and marriages can suffer as they drop down our list of priorities.

The good news is that this is not how it has to go. But in order to avoid this outcome, each individual in a relationship has to take some action to make sure they are not going down an unintended road. In this article, I look at a few ways that can be useful in charting a course in your marriage or relationship so that you don’t one day find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”

MAKE A PLAN: If you have ever owned or run a business, it is hard to imagine doing so successfully without some sort of “mission statement”. A mission statement gives a company direction, so that they can regularly check if they are headed where they want to go–if they are up to what they want to be up to. There are many elements that can make up mission statements, but I want to focus on three that are key to not just businesses, but also interpersonal relationships: purpose, vision, and values.

If all you did was discuss these three elements with your partner, you would still be ahead of many couples who get married only for the reason that they “are in love”. Being in love has an end date–it is designed that way because it’s purpose is to bond two people together–it is not sustainable as a long-term state of being. (For those of you who disagree with me and feel that you are still “in love” in your long-term relationship–great! I am speaking specifically about the “symbiosis” or early bonding stage.)

(For more on why the being in love stage cannot last, you can read THIS)

Shared purpose ensures that you have an intention for being together that will motivate you to put in effort; shared vision gives you a future to aspire to both as a couple and as individuals; and shared values keep you connected when struggling with differences that threaten the relationship. While these elements may not feel important in the early stages, that is precisely the time when they are essential to building a solid foundation between the two of you–a foundation that can withstand some shaking!

The Gottman Institute has a concept they call the Sound Relationship House, that suggests that the “getting to know one another” stage is where couples lay the support for difficult times. But getting to know each other has to include understanding each other’s inner worlds more than their outer interests–because this information will let you know where their triggers and sensitivities lie. Without this knowledge, couples tend to react to one another in conflict rather than respond, causing disconnection, distrust, and resentments. So build your foundation!

CHECK IN AND ADJUST AS NEEDED: Continuing with our building metaphor, nobody questions homeowners who do regular maintenance in order to keep their house standing strong. Relationships can greatly benefit from similar levels of routine assessment–just check in! Walls in a home can “settle” over time, and in a relationship, the walls that hold it together can also settle or get weak. Agreements made ten years ago don’t necessarily apply to who you are today–successful relationships make adjustments over time to better accommodate the both individuals and the relationship.

But how can couples today, who have to check in on so many things, keep their relationships the top priority? The answer is simple: be mindful. Pay attention to yourself and to each other and you stand a chance of noticing when cracks in the walls appear. Mindfulness is not just for individual well-being, it also promotes relationship well-being by using attention, gratitude, and curiosity to maintain vitality in your shared life. Time goes slower, in a good way, when we are paying attention to what is happening in the moment. Though we can’t do this 24/7, we can have the intention to return to the moment whenever we notice that we have left it.

For couples who work with me, I like to offer practical and realistic ways to embrace these ideas so they can turn into action. A simple way to do this, though it may take discipline to put into rotation, is to have a regularly scheduled “state of the union” talk with each other where the phones are off and you are both showing up for each other, willingly and by agreement. What do you talk about in these check-ins? Here are some suggestions:

start with appreciations for the “little things” you may have noticed
talk about current “turn-ons” and “turn-offs”, not just sexually but also life in general
discuss any unresolved conflicts that need to be revisited
share your dreams with each other
make a plan regarding new and upcoming stressors so they don’t throw you off track
share new self-discoveries with each other, both those about yourself and those you have noticed about your partner
review agreements that are not working well and adjust if needed
end with appreciation for taking this time together

I guarantee that if you regularly have these talks in your relationship, which can be done in 15-20 minutes when you got it down, you will be less likely to find yourself one day asking the question: “How did we get here?”

USE “THE GAUGE”: When you are doing routine maintenance on your car, you may notice that it “runs smoothly”, and you don’t have to feel anxious every time you drive it. While car warning systems help us out when it comes to letting us know about problems, relationships don’t come with indicator lights that tell us something needs attention. So what can we use as a gauge to make sure that our relationships run smoothly?

Painful experiences don’t always mean that something is wrong, so we need a more accurate measure of relationship health than whether we are happy or sad. I have found one gauge that works every time, as long as it is co-created and maintained by both individuals, and that is your relationship vision.

Your relationship vision is the answer to the question: “Why are you together?” Couples who exist based only on the fact that were attracted to each other may find their foundation struggling to withstand the shaking of a conflict. A vision of your life together, your purpose for marrying (if you are married), is the “mission statement” that motivates couples to work through differences and hurt feelings. So when you find yourself “not feeling yourself” in your relationship, you can ask, “Am I still moving towards our vision?”

When you regularly check in with each other, amidst the busy-ness of life and family and work, imagine you are “checking the map” on your journey to make sure you are headed in the direction you both want to go. It’s the couples who get caught up in other things at the cost of each other who may one day find themselves asking “How did we get here?”

***

A couple’s shared vision does not have to be grandiose or earth-shifting, in fact it works better if it is not, and is instead reachable, meaningful, and personal. Here are some examples of how elegant and simple a shared vision can be:

to raise a family
to make a home together
to become a part of a community (religious, cultural, etc.)
to build a stable, secure life
to share a creative journey

And my personal favorite:

to become the best versions of ourselves

People don’t end relationships because they fall out of love with one another, they end them because they don’t like who they have become–definitely not a better version of themselves! By using your shared vision as a gauge, you will keep yourselves on track, even if that includes minor detours or side trips along the way (not every journey needs to be a straight line!).

The good news is that a shared vision can change over time, as a couple’s values change and grow. The vision is an extension of your values, which are an expression of what is most important to you–what matters.

I suggest that you do brief check-ins at least a couple times a month, and you can ask any or all of these questions:

How are we doing?
How are you doing?
How do we feel about our relationship?
Is there anything getting in our way right now?”

By committing to this act of mindfulness, you will be on the road to a life that nourishes you both and helps keep you going despite the occasional (and inevitable) potholes, so that one day you can look at each other and declare: “We know exactly how we got here!”

July 6, 2022

PUTTING RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST

As a couples therapist, I tend to think a lot about why relationships have problems. Why do we struggle so with the one person we love the most? It doesn’t help that the very way we, as a culture, participate in relationships changes over time. Relationships do not serve the exact same purpose that they served in 1950. Or 1960 or 1980. And yet people often go into relationship as if nothing has changed.

What is the outcome of this? From what I have observed, relationships suffer. And when relationships suffer, so do the individuals who are in the relationships.

There must be a way out of this! Fortunately, there is, though it can be difficult to act on. Before we get into the way out, let’s first look at what has changed, and why these changes are not necessarily bad news.

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE, AND THAT IS NOT A BAD THING: They say that “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”. What? Isn’t a relationship supposed to take you away from pain and suffering and give you peace and happiness “until death do we part”? Well, it all depends on what stories you were told about relationships and marriage, but if you are like most of us, very few of the stories we are told actually do us any good when it comes to actually being in a relationship. Where do we get these stories from?

Up until the late 60’s or so, the purpose of marriage was fairly clear-cut in society: to settle down and raise a family with someone you love. However, this was a change from what came before it. Earlier versions of marriage prioritized the protection of property or the strengthening of a family name over settling down or falling in love. Couples raised families to pass on the family name and property, if there was any, and they often married because that was the best way to survive life. Couples had kids so there were extra working hands, even if there was no property to hand down.

Today, though those templates continue to exist in the world, they have been largely superseded by the needs of “modern” couples. Those needs are a combination of needs from the past, as well as current expectations, which can vary from couple to couple. To put it bluntly, marriage and relationship has changed more than most of us want to admit, and they continue to evolve as I write this.

So what are the needs of modern couples? And why should they come before the needs of the individuals? Who gets to decide what these relationship needs are, and how they will be met? And what happens when they are neglected or de-prioritized?

Well, what happens is these couples often end up in my office , wondering how to get their relationship “back on track”. But before we can even start doing that, I have to first find out what their track even looks like. You know what? They often don’t know themselves.

WHY SHOULD YOU PUT THE RELATIONSHIP NEEDS FIRST? When couples get together, they often imagine a relationship based on either what is familiar from their own family, or from what they have seen in the outside world or in the media. While there is nothing wrong with this frame of reference, it is often not “thick enough” to hold all the complexities that show up in the actual relationship.

When the relationship we have no longer matches the relationship we imagined, it becomes less of a safe place and more of a threat. What we know about the brain when it senses a threat is that it focuses attention on how to protect the homeland–in other words, we care more about our own well-being than another’s. We take care of our individual needs and abandon the needs of our partner and the relationship. We do this to survive.

While this strategy works fine if we are facing an actual threat, it works against us when the “threat” is our partner being upset about something we did or said. Abandoning the relationship to focus on our needs gives our partner the message that we will not be there for them when the going gets tough, which in turn reinforces the relationship not being a safe place. Just think about it–if the captain of the ship abandons the ship, not only is the ship doomed, but so are all the passengers!

So what to do? I suggest leaning into the relationship. This is not the same thing as agreeing with your partner’s accusations of allowing yourself to be abused. Instead it means that you remember that when one of you is in trouble, both of you are in trouble, and both of you are required to return the relationship to safety.

This is not my idea. I heard about it from Stan Tatkin, the renowned author and couples therapist up in Agoura Hills, CA. I took a workshop where he talked about how the needs of the relationship must always come first, before the needs of the individual. By making this commitment and choice, a couple can more successfully navigate disagreements and conflicts, because they will recognize that when the relationship (both of them) does well, each of them (as individuals) also do well.

There is a saying that when the relationship wins, both partners win, but when one individual wins and the other loses, everybody loses. This is because when you go for the individual need over the relationship need, it is the same as cutting off your nose to spite your face! You are one half of the relationship, so why would you abandon part of yourself? If one part of you is hurting, don’t you attend to it?

Couples who prioritize the relationship needs over individual needs experience more connection and safety in their relationships. So let’s explore how to actually do this in your relationship when push comes to shove.

HOW TO DO THIS SUCCESSFULLY: First and foremost, don’t wait until push comes to shove! Although it is possible for a couple to come back from a severe breach in trust or connection, it can be more difficult for those who do not have a strong shared foundation in their relationship. What does this foundation look like?

John Gottman’s work over the last several decades has highlighted the importance for couples to act as a team. This does not mean giving up your individuality–on the contrary–being part of a secure team often helps one to thrive in their individual lives. Gottman calls the process of creating a relationship team the Sound Relationship House, where the first floor is about getting to know your partner’s inner world.

When a couple has a strong first floor of their Relationship House, they can move up floors in order to create shared meaning and explore each others’ dreams.

But individual dreams are not the only dreams that need to be attended to. Successful couples work to build shared dreams and shared purpose. Dr. Stan Tatkin writes and talks about this in his work, as I wrote earlier. In order to do this, couples need to actually come up with shared dreams and purpose, because they don’t create themselves, unless you part of a community that gives them to you!

In my therapy office, when couples tell me that they want to build a stronger relationship, I will sometimes reply provocatively by asking, “Why?” The goal of that question is to find out what is the “purpose” of them being together. Couples get together mostly because of mutual attraction initially, but beyond sex, what is the reason for creating a relationship with this person?

Shared dreams and purpose come from a couples shared values–what is important to you? Some of these things are non-negotiable, and some are negotiable, but when committed to together, they create a shared dream that is worth fighting for. This dream is what will influence couples to resist the pull to criticize, withdraw, shutdown, or attack when conflict arises. This dream will be the motivation to strengthen your connection to one another.

A shared dream comes with needs to keep it alive, and when these needs come first, there is a better chance that in any conflict, the relationship will win rather than one individual or the other.

***

Sometimes it can feel like being in a relationship involves too much to keep track of. But the good news is that when you make a habit of keeping track of it, it becomes the air you breathe. The effort you put in is a conscious choice, but it begins to feel natural and vital, especially when you reap the benefits of these efforts.

Putting the needs of the relationship first ensures that you have a partner working with you to protect and nurture the relationship–you are not a lone ranger. As you both work to support and prioritize the relationship, you may find that the relationship in turn supports you in your individual development. Having something bigger than you–the two of you–gives you something to defend without turning against your partner. When you put the relationship needs first, you will both be fighting for the relationship, yourself, and each other. It is a win-win!