Category: values

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HOW TO MEET THE NEW YEAR

Whenever we approach a new year, it is common to do so with both excitement and anxiety. I will notice in myself that these two emotions are associated with what I know, as well as what I don’t know, about the upcoming year. This makes sense. If one definition of anxiety is “fear of the unknown future”, could we also not be excited about the same? After all, fear and excitement often show up together. 

Currently, clients in my office report more anxiety than excitement about the coming year. In many cases, this anxiety is a reaction to what is happening politically in the country–people are worried about our future as a nation! It is my job to balance the line between having empathy for their suffering, while not siding with one perspective or another. Therapists are encouraged to not be biased in the room, but I do think we have a duty to advocate for what is best for our clients. 

What this means is that rather than join my clients in their perspective, I explore how it is working for them, and if it causes them suffering, we work to lessen the suffering. This can be done in a number of ways, but there are a couple approaches I like to use: 

  • changing the story you have about what is happening (how you think about it)
  • changing your relationship to what is happening (how you feel about it)

I favor these approaches because they allow us to work with what is under our control to change, in other words, how we think, feel, or experience what is happening. Let’s explore why this can be helpful. 

LOOK AT HISTORY: One article I enjoyed reading recently reminded me of how our political parties actually need each other to thrive–that they act as opposite ends of a see-saw, moving up and down around a solid center. Going way back to the early 20th century, we see that power has shifted between the political parties on a fairly predictable basis (which ideally keeps both on their toes). What this suggests is that if you don’t like what is going on, there is a good bet that it will change in the not too distant future. 

Another benefit of looking at history is that it can show us how our stories about it can change over time. An obvious example of this is slavery–while it was once considered “good” for society (at least by those who had them), it is now universally seen as a bad thing by anyone even minimally invested in human rights and decency. 

And while distant events give us the time and space to develop a different perspective on them, it can be difficult to do so with recent or current happenings–we are still too close to our emotional responses to zoom out. History can serve as a reminder that things will change, and what was once considered unbearable can one day be seen as an occurrence that motivated positive change. 

We need both good and bad experiences in life in order to build appreciation, confidence, and resilience. Pleasurable experiences are joyful for sure, but painful experiences often offer the greatest opportunities for growth because of how they can challenge our ways of thinking. In the next section we will look at where to find those opportunities. 

WHAT IS UNDER YOUR CONTROL?: Complaining is a natural and healthy activity–it is a message to ourselves and the world that we don’t like something. If anger is the feeling that something is not right, then complaining is the communication of that anger. 

Many people will mix up complaining and whining, but they are different things. Whining is complaining, but also not wanting to be part of the solution. In other words, whiners blame something or someone— they don’t take any responsibility for what is happening or for it changing. 

While I understand whining (let’s face it–blaming is easier in the short run!), it does not produce change. This is why, when vetting new therapy clients, I always look for their willingness to change–without this there is no client. I bring this up because if one is looking for opportunities for growth within negative, unwanted, or painful experiences, their best bet is to look at what is under their control: responses and actions. 

The person most likely to thrive during challenging times is the one who focuses on both how they think about what is happening,  and any actions they can take to create change. Our brains tend to look at what is most threatening, which is usually those things out of our control. We can’t make anybody change by force, and there are problems in the world that require corporations or governments to take action, but that does not mean that we are powerless. 

So when we are facing scary times, either locally or globally, the first step is to distinguish between what you have control over and what you don’t, and then ask yourself if you are willing to explore change in the areas you have control over. Again, these areas include how you respond, what you can change in yourself, and how you think about what is happening. This can have a powerful effect on our experience of life. It can make the difference between feeling hopeful or hopeless. 

HEADING INTO THE NEW YEAR: When you find yourself facing another new year, it is not just a time to “set resolutions”–it is also a time to check on what direction you are moving in your life. Are you still on your path? Has the path changed? Did you ever have a path, or were you moving down the road without any direction? Do you need a different means to get where you are headed? 

When I work with clients, I tell them that we want to move in the direction of our values. Values are not goals–we never reach them, instead we are constantly checking our choices against them to see if we are up to what we want to be up to.

Without a direction (or values), we are likely to go where the environment, or another person, wants us to go. That is not necessarily bad, but it might not serve us well individually. Setting a direction can be called finding a purpose, or vision, in life. Whatever you call it, if it is enticing enough to you, nothing that is going on in the world will take you completely off course. You may veer off course a bit, but as long as you are still going in the direction of your values you can find your way back to the road. 

So as you face the new year, as yourself, “What response to what is happening would keep me going in the direction of my values?”

Those who are in relationships have the good fortune of being able to practice this every day–every response to our partner can be gauged by the direction it moves us. If we value “connection” our response will look one way, if we don’t, it will look another. 

Another helpful gauge is to ask yourself, when having negative feelings, if the feelings match the facts. Our feelings about what is going on can be unduly influenced by past events in our lives, making our response more dramatic than it needs to be. Checking in on the facts can bring us back into the present reality by asking some of the following questions:

  1. Do I know that what I am thinking is true? Is it 100% true?
  2. What do I know that I know, what do I know that I don’t know? 
  3. How often in my life has the worst-case scenario come to pass?
  4. Are there resources I have that I may not be fully utilizing?

The writer Ryan Holiday wrote a book called “The Obstacle Is The Way“, and while I recommend reading this book, you certainly don’t have to do so in order to benefit from the wisdom of the title. We naturally avoid painful experiences because in the past they could harm us, but nowadays most threats are not as fatal. Unfortunately, our thinking about them has not changed much, and in fact has increased in negativity because so many of today’s threats are in the unknown future, so we never feel we are past them.  

What if, as Mr. Holiday asks, we act like the Stoics and look for opportunities for growth and learning within the obstacle? What if we could face a painful reality with a positive vision of who we could be on the other side of the struggle? What if the obstacle could be the way? 

In the new year, I challenge you to form a vision of yourself that you hope to be once the year has ended, and then look at what actions you can take today to start moving towards that vision. That is not avoidance, it is a response, and the most powerful way I know to make sure that you are the main author of your own life. 

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HOW DID WE GET HERE?

I was recently blown away while watching the limited HULU series Fleishman Is In Trouble. Beyond the terrific script and fantastic acting, the premise of the show appealed to me because it explored marriage. The marriages depicted in the series were not what one would call “good marriages”, though they had their positive points. They were instead quite problematic, not because the spouses were ill-matched, but because they lost track of their intention for getting married in the first place.

All of the main characters have a moment in the series where they ask themselves: “How did I get here?”, as though some unseen force has had control over the path their lives have taken. Truth is, that is how life can feel sometimes, right? We can easily be pulled into the busy-ness of our daily routines: working, raising a family, running a home; and marriages can suffer as they drop down our list of priorities.

The good news is that this is not how it has to go. But in order to avoid this outcome, each individual in a relationship has to take some action to make sure they are not going down an unintended road. In this article, I look at a few ways that can be useful in charting a course in your marriage or relationship so that you don’t one day find yourself asking, “How did I get here?”

MAKE A PLAN: If you have ever owned or run a business, it is hard to imagine doing so successfully without some sort of “mission statement”. A mission statement gives a company direction, so that they can regularly check if they are headed where they want to go–if they are up to what they want to be up to. There are many elements that can make up mission statements, but I want to focus on three that are key to not just businesses, but also interpersonal relationships: purpose, vision, and values.  

If all you did was discuss these three elements with your partner, you would still be ahead of many couples who get married only for the reason that they “are in love”. Being in love has an end date–it is designed that way because it’s purpose is to bond two people together–it is not sustainable as a long-term state of being. (For those of you who disagree with me and feel that you are still “in love” in your long-term relationship–great! I am speaking specifically about the “symbiosis” or early bonding stage.)

(For more on why the being in love stage cannot last, you can read THIS)

Shared purpose ensures that you have an intention for being together that will motivate you to put in effort; shared vision gives you a future to aspire to both as a couple and as individuals; and shared values keep you connected when struggling with differences that threaten the relationship. While these elements may not feel important in the early stages, that is precisely the time when they are essential to building a solid foundation between the two of you–a foundation that can withstand some shaking!

The Gottman Institute has a concept they call the Sound Relationship House, that suggests that the “getting to know one another” stage is where couples lay the support for difficult times. But getting to know each other has to include understanding each other’s inner worlds more than their outer interests–because this information will let you know where their triggers and sensitivities lie. Without this knowledge, couples tend to react to one another in conflict rather than respond, causing disconnection, distrust, and resentments. So build your foundation!

CHECK IN AND ADJUST AS NEEDED: Continuing with our building metaphor, nobody questions homeowners who do regular maintenance in order to keep their house standing strong. Relationships can greatly benefit from similar levels of routine assessment–just check in! Walls in a home can “settle” over time, and in a relationship, the walls that hold it together can also settle or get weak. Agreements made ten years ago don’t necessarily apply to who you are today–successful relationships make adjustments over time to better accommodate the both individuals and the relationship.

But how can couples today, who have to check in on so many things, keep their relationships the top priority? The answer is simple: be mindful. Pay attention to yourself and to each other and you stand a chance of noticing when cracks in the walls appear. Mindfulness is not just for individual well-being, it also promotes relationship well-being by using attention, gratitude, and curiosity to maintain vitality in your shared life. Time goes slower, in a good way, when we are paying attention to what is happening in the moment.  Though we can’t do this 24/7, we can have the intention to return to the moment whenever we notice that we have left it. 

For couples who work with me, I like to offer practical and realistic ways to embrace these ideas so they can turn into action. A simple way to do this, though it may take discipline to put into rotation, is to have a regularly scheduled “state of the union” talk with each other where the phones are off and you are both showing up for each other, willingly and by agreement. What do you talk about in these check-ins? Here are some suggestions:

  • start with appreciations for the “little things” you may have noticed
  • talk about current “turn-ons” and “turn-offs”, not just sexually but also life in general
  • discuss any unresolved conflicts that need to be revisited
  • share your dreams with each other
  • make a plan regarding new and upcoming stressors so they don’t throw you off track
  • share new self-discoveries with each other, both those about yourself and those you have noticed about your partner
  • review agreements that are not working well and adjust if needed
  • end with appreciation for taking this time together

I guarantee that if you regularly have these talks in your relationship, which can be done in 15-20 minutes when you got it down, you will be less likely to find yourself one day asking the question: “How did we get here?”

USE “THE GAUGE”: When you are doing routine maintenance on your car, you may notice that it “runs smoothly”, and you don’t have to feel anxious every time you drive it. While car warning systems help us out when it comes to letting us know about problems, relationships don’t come with indicator lights that tell us something needs attention. So what can we use as a gauge to make sure that our relationships run smoothly?

Painful experiences don’t always mean that something is wrong, so we need a more accurate measure of relationship health than whether we are happy or sad. I have found one gauge that works every time, as long as it is co-created and maintained by both individuals, and that is your relationship vision.

Your relationship vision is the answer to the question: “Why are you together?” Couples who exist based only on the fact that were attracted to each other may find their foundation struggling to withstand the shaking of a conflict. A vision of your life together, your purpose for marrying (if you are married), is the “mission statement” that motivates couples to work through differences and hurt feelings. So when you find yourself “not feeling yourself” in your relationship, you can ask, “Am I still moving towards our vision?”

When you regularly check in with each other, amidst the busy-ness of life and family and work, imagine you are “checking the map” on your journey  to make sure you are headed in the direction you both want to go. It’s the couples who get caught up in other things at the cost of each other who may one day find themselves asking “How did we get here?”

***

A couple’s shared vision does not have to be grandiose or earth-shifting, in fact it works better if it is not, and is instead reachable, meaningful, and personal. Here are some examples of how elegant and simple a shared vision can be:

  • to raise a family
  • to make a home together
  • to become a part of a community (religious, cultural, etc.)
  • to build a stable, secure life
  • to share a creative journey

And my personal favorite:

  • to become the best versions of ourselves

People don’t end relationships because they fall out of love with one another, they end them because they don’t like who they have become–definitely not a better version of themselves! By using your shared vision as a gauge, you will  keep yourselves on track, even if that includes minor detours or side trips along the way (not every journey needs to be a straight line!).

The good news is that a shared vision can change over time, as a couple’s values change and grow. The vision is an extension of your values, which are an expression of what is most important to you–what matters.

I suggest that you do brief check-ins at least a couple times a month, and you can ask any or all of these questions:

  • How are we doing?
  • How are you doing?
  • How do we feel about our relationship?
  • Is there anything getting in our way right now?”

By committing to this act of mindfulness, you will be on the road to a life that nourishes you both and helps keep you going despite the occasional (and inevitable) potholes, so that one day you can look at each other and declare: “We know exactly how we got here!”

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WHY YOU SHOULD EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO BETRAY YOU

The longer I do therapy with couples, the more I am shocked at the many myths we are told about how relationship and marriage works. The shock comes from my realization that most of what we were told is not true and merely sets up unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment and disillusionment. 

While this may come across as bad news, I assure you that it is not! Realizing that we have received misinformation allows us to start anew and seek out more reliable sources. It also invites us to become creators of our own rules and agreements, respecting the fact that every relationship is unique in its own way, and there cannot be just one set of agreements for everyone. 

In this article, I will focus on one bit of information that can be hard to swallow for most couples–the reality that your partner will betray you. But before you throw in the towel and stop reading, allow me to explain why this is not necessarily a terrible thing.

WHAT IS BETRAYAL? It is important to define terms if we are going to explore betrayal as a behavior to expect. Although there are many definitions, when betrayal happens in a relationship I describe it as “words or behaviors that break the shared relationship agreements”. These agreements should be stated explicitly and reviewed regularly, but sadly, most agreements in relationship are assumed or implied, and that is one of the problems that can lead to a betrayal. 

Most people are familiar with the “big” betrayals that can happen between two people, such as infidelity (which I will talk about later), but less so with smaller, everyday betrayals that happen right under our noses. What are some examples of these small betrayals? 

  • looking at your phone when your partner is talking to/with you
  • telling a close friend something negative about your partner that you would not tell them to their face
  • intentionally lying to your partner to avoid taking responsibility for something
  • not doing what you have promised your partner you would do

What are not examples of betrayal?

  • fantasizing about a favorite movie star while having sex with your partner
  • wanting to do something by yourself sometimes rather than a shared activity
  • talking to a therapist about doubts, fears, and resentments that you have in your relationship
  • wanting to have sex with someone else (but not doing it)

If you recognized any of the examples in the top list, I want to assure you that this does not make you a bad partner, it simply makes you a human one. 

***

Way back in the 1990’s I attended a seminar where the speaker said to the audience: “We are all cheaters, liars, and thieves.” After a dramatic pause to allow the statement to sink in, she then clarified with an example: “Who here among us has never stolen a moment of someone’s time?”

The point she was making is similar to the point I want to make about betrayal–we all do it! John Gottman tells us that at any given time, we are either leaning into the relationship or out of it. But just because we momentarily turn away from the shared agreements of the relationship, this does not automatically mean we value the relationship less–instead it suggests that something in the moment is pulling us more than the relationship. In other words, everything is information! And the information you might be getting by your behavior could mean that:

  • you may be lagging in attending to your individual needs, OR you are just attending to your individual needs (which is normal!)
  • some of the shared agreements between you and your partner are overdue for a review, as they many not serve who you both are now
  • you have underlying negative beliefs about yourself and/or others that become roadblocks to your best intentions
  • nothing is wrong, you are simply being human!

How do we know if our “little betrayal” is good or bad? I suggest asking yourself what the purpose of your actions is–this will reveal your motivation. Ask: “What is the purpose of saying or doing this?”

WHAT ABOUT INFIDELITY? The most common betrayal I see in my couples clients is the “big one”: infidelity. While infidelity is often thought of as cheating, it is not always cheating! Cheating, in my book, has to include the intention to deceive, as I wrote previously in this article. The bottom line is that cheating and infidelity are not always the same thing.

While an infidelity (whether it is one time only or an ongoing affair) can certainly be a betrayal, I have noticed that it is more a betrayal of one’s own value system, rather than of their partner. As painful as this may feel, it can be unnecessary and unwise to end the relationship over it. Most of the time the betrayer has not stopped loving  or wanting sex from their partner, but they may have stopped loving themselves in the relationship. Having sex with a new person can reset our own experience of ourselves very quickly in a positive way, at least until we are found out. 

Couples therapy is strongly suggested in these instances so that the couple does not make rash decisions they may regret later. Esther Perel has observed in her work that the couples who do the work to move past an infidelity will report having a closer, better relationship, because they are now talking about things they were not talking about. I would add that when as a couple recovers from infidelity, they can increase the healthy differentiation between them, as ruptures of this magnitude often shake up our romantic illusions about love and allow us to move closer into Real Love. 

Real Love is a state that allows for two people to become “one” while at the same time remaining “two”.  

The statement above describes moving in and out of the states of closeness without rupture of fear of abandonment or envelopment. The relationship needs come before all, and both individuals thrive as long as they regularly review the needs and agreements of both the relationship and themselves as individuals. 

(Read my previous article on “Putting Relationship Needs First”)

Infidelity, in the form of actual sex outside of a couple’s agreements, is best seen as an alarm bell rather than an evacuation order. By heeding that alarm, two people can often become closer as a couple and more developed as individuals. While this does not suggest a relationship needs infidelity to move onto higher ground, it does let couples know that bad news can become good news if the emotional connection is still alive and the relationship is valued. One infidelity does not automatically mean that you don’t value the relationship! 

WHAT DO VALUES HAVE TO DO WITH IT? Speaking of values, it is becoming more and more clear to me that if you don’t know what drives you in life, you probably won’t get anywhere. Values are the drivers because they give us direction in life, and having direction is one way that we can regularly check if we are “betraying” our partners as well as ourselves. Dr. Nikki Rubin explains, in this article about ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), that:

“Most times when we are experiencing pain or discomfort, we believe that we must rid ourselves of it before we begin to build the life we want for ourselves. Sadly, we then end up spending our time trying to fix our pain without attending to what gives us meaning, fulfillment, or contentment.”

Part of this acceptance requires the patient to identify their values. Then they can “learn to take steps to engage in behaviors that are aligned with our values—even when we are experiencing pain or discomfort.”

In this sense, betrayal is another word for moving in the opposite direction of your values, which is one way that we attempt to rid ourselves or pain or discomfort. Words and actions, if they go against your relationship values, are most often exactly this: a way to avoid the pain and discomfort of addressing changes in relationship and issues with one’s partner. 

If you notice a betrayal in your relationship, it may be a sign that agreements and/or shared values decided upon in the past may not be working for one or both of you now. Those who choose to end a relationship because of one betrayal may be avoiding an opportunity to grow closer together, build a more realistic sense of trust, experience more appreciation for their time together, and have enriched individual lives. 

While there are betrayals so severe that they are in essence “deal-breakers”, that is not usually the case. Most couples don’t need to break up. A regular discussion about individual and shared values in your relationship can go a long way toward preventing betrayal ruptures that are irreparable. 

***

It can be hard to re-wire the way our brains think about love, sex, and relationship, especially if what we were taught about them made them seem easy to succeed in. But one can either hang on to ways of thinking that are familiar but no longer work, or they can “widen” their thinking so that it is helpful to who they currently are in life and relationship.

Maybe relationships are not as black or white as we were led to believe–maybe they thrive when a couple sits in the grey, the areas in-between, where real life resides. A place where betrayal is both more and less than we think it is. Is your relationship worth this exploration?