Category: conflict

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THE HUDDLE

I am not a big sports fan, which is odd considering how I regularly bring up “huddles” in my couples therapy sessions. But when I do this, I assure you we are not really talking about football or soccer! What we are talking about is teams, specifically how a team wins, and the huddle, which I will discuss in this article, is a key element in any team’s approach to winning. 

We didn’t used to think of couples in a relationship as a team–the individuals were more like employees in the same company, but each in charge of different departments. In the old days, men made the money and doled out discipline to the children, while women managed home and child care. While this worked at times to keep a home and family going, both men and women suffered because individual needs were not part of the overall plan (this is why so many men got individual needs met outside the marriage, while women would take sedatives). 

Today, we have mostly moved beyond that stilted and misogynistic model, forging a new version of what home and family looks like and how they can thrive. Many of the relationship experts, including the Gottmans and Stan Tatkin, have stressed that today’s couples have to work like a team rather than as co-employees. I want to explore what that means for couples, and why it is beneficial to them both as a couple and as an individual . Are you ready? Hut, hut, HIKE! 

WHAT IS A HUDDLE? I’ll be honest with you–I had to look this one up. While there is the definition I use with couples, I thought I should at least verify that what I tell them is accurate before writing an article about it! So here is how Webster’s defines a huddle as applied to football: 

huddle: to gather away from the line of scrimmage to receive instructions (as from the quarterback) for the next down

What does this definition tell us about huddles? That they are a gathering away from where the action is happening in order to make a plan for how to move forward. In this definition, the instructions come from the quarterback, but in a relationship all members act as quarterbacks. I will add to this the  purpose of making this plan–to win the game by getting closer to, and ultimately over, the goal line.

One main question addressed in a huddle is: “What do we do next?” Maybe the team starts by identifying what did not work previously, but there is little time for pointing fingers or blame–the focus is on what’s next! In other words, let’s look briefly at what didn’t work and then decide what might work now. The team does not get distracted by anything that could pull them away from their main objective: to win. And, judging by their continued use by football and soccer teams worldwide, huddles work. 

WHY DO THEY WORK? In his book In Each Other’s Care, Dr. Stan Tatkin says the following about relationship success:

“People make their relationship difficult when they do not orient to a two-person psychological system full of collaboration and cooperation. That lack of a two-person orientation is at the center of all difficulty in couple unions.”

What is another name for a two-person psychological system? A team! There may not be as many members in a relationship team as there are on a sports team, but the point is that the rules work across the board. Here is my understanding of these rules:

  1. The needs of the team supersede the needs of the individual members: The team (relationship) always comes first.
  2. The blame game and defensiveness serve no purpose other than to stop forward movement: Avoid blame and defensiveness. 
  3. If you want your team to win, the individual members must be strong and care for their individual development: Be accountable for what’s yours. 
  4. If one person messes up the plan, the whole team suffers; if one person succeeds, the whole team benefits: You either win or lose together as a team. 
  5. The focus is on what to do next to gain or re-gain ground, always with the intention of winning: The important question to explore is “How can we do better next time? What does our relationship need to thrive?”

What I love about huddles is that they are quick and purposeful–no need to talk until 4 in the morning! They work because they focus on what did work and what will work next. Can you imagine if that was the priority in the conversations you have with your partner(s)? 

HOW TO DO HUDDLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: One of the biggest challenges couples therapists face is how to get their clients to use the skills they develop in sessions at home. In fact, John Gottman wrote about this nearly 25 years ago in his book The Marriage Clinic, describing how only about 35% of couples who do therapy experience meaningful positive changes, but after only a year, 30-50% of these couples relapse into the old patterns. 

Given that, the challenge I face is two-fold:

  • Making a tool or skill appealing to couples so they will use it
  • Looking for any emotional obstacles to using the tool or skill (a topic for a whole article in itself)

Regarding the appeal of huddles, I approach this challenge by first looking for times when a couple is already doing them without knowing they are doing them. Any instance when we have been pressed for time and have to make a decision quickly is an instance where we have likely used the huddle, quickly exploring these things: 

  1. What do we currently know?
  2. What do we need to do right now?
  3. How are we doing to do it?

When decisions need to be made quickly, there is little time for blame, regret, or criticism! You come together and make a plan to get back on track as soon as possible–this is a version of the huddle! Bringing awareness to, and reinforcing, behaviors you are already doing successfully is one way to ensure a tool will be used outside the therapy room. 

Secondly, I spend some time exploring how good it feels for couples on the other side of the huddle–when they have their new direction and are headed there together, connected. Emphasizing how the outcome will feel good is a powerful way to motivate us to do something difficult. Without a desirable  sense of reward, couples will not use the tools, period. 

Lastly, it is my job to look for anything in a client’s history or relationship dynamic that will get in the way of them practicing new skills. This could be resentments, past trauma, depression, or lack of commitment to the relationship. If one or more of these factors are identified, I will either do individual work with them in the couples session, schedule an individual session apart from the couples work, or refer them to outside individual therapy. This is critical! If the obstacle is not addressed and removed, the work will atrophy at home. 

***

Here is the secret I hope my clients will experience for themselves: doing huddles at home is fun! Or at least it can be. I recommend practicing them on everyday situations where there is no anger or resistance. Then you will be ready when the stakes are higher. As an example, let’s say that you are going to the movies, but when you get to the theater the film you want to see is sold out. You could do a quick huddle to decide what to see instead by using the three questions:

  1. What do we currently know? What movies are there still tickets for and when do they start?
  2. What do we need to do right now? Save the evening! Choose an alternate movie and buy tickets, or go somewhere else. 
  3. How are we doing to do it? Agree on a film we have not seen and both want to see, and laugh off the fact that we did not get tickets beforehand. 

When you are dealing with a heavier issue or conflict, using the same process can actually lighten the weight, ensuring that partners stay regulated and connected. When regulated and connected, couples can get to the other side of any problem. 

Remember, if you don’t make it something that you both enjoy or benefit from, you will not do it–so imagine how you will feel towards each other when you have successfully navigated a difference in this way. I think anyone can agree that this feeling is preferable to anger, resentment, and hurt! And just like the sports teams that huddles, practice, practice, practice. 

Huddle up!

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IS PORN OKAY?

We all have ways to “get through the day”, don’t we? But I notice that some coping behaviors are more acceptable in relationships than others. One that seems to cause problems on a regular basis is the use of pornography.

I chose to write about porn, finally, because the topic comes up almost universally at some point in couples work. Why is it such a divisive issue? Why is it often seen as a form of betrayal, or a sign that one’s attraction for their spouse has decreased or disappeared, when other individual interests don’t trigger these reactions?

Porn, like many things tied to human sexuality, can be misunderstood and simplified, but it is my opinion that the use of it represents a lot more than just “a way to get off”. Not that there is anything wrong with that! I just think that it is more likely that porn, like many coping mechanisms, is often a salve for unmet emotional needs by being an outlet for our fantasy lives.  The fantasy is just the vehicle, though, not the final destination. In other words, porn is a means, not an end in itself. 

This should be reassuring to those who see porn as a threat to their relationship’s sex life, since it suggests that porn is not actually a substitute for sex!

What needs, then, might porn be helping the viewer attend to? And why is sexual fantasy an effective way to do this? How can the threat of porn be dismantled in relationships and instead embraced and accepted as an individual or joint exercise toward relational satisfaction and individual development? How can we embrace porn viewing as a healthy means to an end? 

WHERE IT CAME FROM AND WHY: Sexual imagery has always existed, from the earliest time that humans were able to create drawings or write words. One definition of the word pornography suggests that it originally depicted, through words and drawings, the life of prostitutes. Since the many definitions are not consistent with one other, there is not just one story of its history. But most will agree that in order to be considered pornographic, the words and/or images have to be illegal or illicit, as opposed to any culturally accepted erotic material. This can get confusing, of course–as in the recent disagreement over whether the Statue of David is art or pornography. 

Some form of sexual imagery has been around forever, though the functions of such imagery have changed over time. It is for this reason that I want to focus on the purpose(s) it serves today, in modern sexuality and relationships, and what happens when it is the cause of conflict between relationship partners. 

GOOD OR BAD? RIGHT OR WRONG? IT DEPENDS: In my work with couples, I avoid using the words good, bad, right, or wrong. I do this so that I am not imposing any moral judgements on the actions of my clients. What I personally think about their actions is none of their business, unless they are a danger to themselves or another. But what they think about themselves is definitely my business, since this is often the internal conflict bringing them into my office!

In order to create a non-judgmental space where we can explore problematic behaviors and move towards understanding, compassion, and a plan for change, I focus simply on whether the behaviors are working or not working for the client. How do I do this? Well, I let them tell me! What I have found is that this determination depends on clients’ values: what is important to them and what gives their lives meaning.

There is a therapeutic saying that goes like this: “It’s not a problem unless it’s a problem.” If we apply this approach to porn, then the following question will come up when it is presented as a problem: Does your porn usage have a negative impact on your health, work, finances, or relationships? A “yes” answer in any of these areas of impact lets me know that, in that area or areas, porn is not working for them, and we have to take a deeper look. 

The bottom line is that in order to do my work, I have to set aside any moral judgement and find out what matters to the clients, and what is getting in the way of them moving towards that. But if you want my personal opinion, here it is. Porn is not bad or wrong, it is instead a way to feel connected–to our sexuality, to our aliveness, to our eroticism, to sex, to ourselves, to another. It is a way to connect to the moment when our head is spinning from the workday. It is a way to connect to a fantasy world where we are not old or sick or tired. It is a way to connect to our imagination. It is all these things, and more.

***

For clients who report that it does not work for them in their relationships, I have to first find out what meaning each partner assigns to it so I know what the real conflict is (porn as the vehicle, not the destination). For example, a user might be watching porn in order to connect to their own erotic life. This can happen after an illness or surgery, after giving birth, or during a period of grief or depression. They might also be using it to find out more about their sexuality or sex in general–we are often not even sure what turns us on! 

Next, I look for areas where the couple is actually fighting for the same thing—shared values obscured by conflict. This is not as hard as it sounds. Who doesn’t want to feel any one of the connections I listed two paragraphs up? Where there is conflict about porn usage, the work is about helping the couple to talk about, and understand, differences,  so they don’t feel threatened by what is not familiar to them or not what they like. 

Finally, I help them to find a compromise that involves the relationship winning rather than one individual or the other. Any successful compromise will ask that each partner be willing to give up some of what they want so that they both win. This is why I have previously written about the importance of putting the relationship first–if you don’t, then you will fight to win rather than to connect. 

A compromise like this will increase closeness because it requires that couples talk to one another to increase mutual understanding of differences, which often reveals that they are not that different after all. Though porn may not be a familiar vehicle for some, some of the needs it meets are universal to all of us. A recognition of this commonality can turn fear, judgement, and resentment into compassion, understanding, and closeness. 

HOW TO NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OR WITHOUT PORN: If porn is a way to feel alive, sexy, desirable, and vibrant, then it is good to know that it is not the only way! In a society where sex and self-pleasure are often associated with shame and guilt, it is my opinion that porn provides a safe way to avoid the finger-pointing of others–this is why it is usually viewed in private. Porn does not have to be a private enterprise–but the use of it is not usually celebrated publicly. It may be seen as a weakness, or a guilty secret. 

But if you don’t want to be shamed for something, it helps to not engage with it shamefully! This is why I encourage couples to bring the topics of sex, sexuality, sensuality, turn-ons, and turn-offs into their discussions together. One of the great benefits of creating a relationship together is that it is an opportunity to create your own personal culture, and if you grew up in a sex-shaming community, you don’t have to carry that legacy into your own home. The irony is that when couples are willing to talk to each other about their needs, it strengthens what many call “traditional family values”: commitment, fidelity, and trust! 

So whether you use porn or not, my recommendation is that you learn how to talk to your partner about your inner erotic world. Sharing porn preferences with one another is only one way to express turn-ons, but not the only way. A skilled couples and sex therapist can help you to navigate these conversations, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying to your partner: “I want to be able to talk to you about sex and desire, but I don’t know how and I feel shame even brining it up.”

Sometimes the best first step is admitting, and expressing, what is going on with you in the moment. Remember that sharing vulnerability invites shared vulnerability. This is how a relationship is nurtured. 

***

I am encouraged seeing the reduction of the stigma attached to porn, due primarily to its increased availability online–no longer do magazines have to be hidden under the bed and in closets! I have hope that this accessibility motivates couples to more openly discuss topics that used to be considered private. The reason for doing so is this gives our partners valuable information about the activities, fantasies, words, and thoughts that take us out of our heads and into our bodies and pleasure centers. While our private inner world will always be a place to enjoy oneself in acts of self-pleasure, there are valid and enticing reasons today for inviting a loved one inside to join you: heightened pleasure, trust, connection, and discovery. 

Ethically produced porn itself is neither good nor bad–it depends on the meaning assigned to it. If porn is a problem for you in your relationship, start by questioning the purpose it serves you or your partner, and asking if that purpose fulfills not only the user’s needs, but also the needs of the relationship. If the answer to the latter question is “yes”, then by all means, press “PLAY”! 

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THREE POSSIBLE OUTCOMES WITH COUPLES THERAPY

Premium Photo | Choosing a path. the junction, three forest roads converge into one.

My last article was about how relationships are the hardest thing you will ever do, and I outlined some of the main reasons for this. In this article I want to present the ways couples therapy can help with these difficulties by discussing three possible outcomes of the work. I hope this exploration will demystify some of the “mystery”, helping readers to understand that the success of couples therapy has more to do with the couple seeking it than the therapist administering it. This is not an attempt to make a couple responsible for any failure of couples therapy, but rather to emphasize their role in its success–to up their skin in game, so to speak. 

There was a time when couples therapy was seen as the last resort for a broken marriage. Today, there continues to be more of a stigma toward couples work than individual work. Fortunately, that perception is changing over time, with many couples now seeking assistance at the beginning of their relationships, as a way to avoid issues down the road. 

However, there continue to be misconceptions about what couples therapy can actually do. What it can’t do is: 

  • “fix” your relationship
  • decide for you if you should stay together or break up (though it may help you to make a decision about this)
  • improve the sex (or re-start it) in your relationship if neither partner is willing to make some changes

Simply put, the work of a couples therapist is to help couples have difficult conversations. The main difficult conversations that couples struggle to have often concern sex, money, parenting, and respect. These conversations can be difficult to have because having them requires that we set aside defensiveness and criticism, and examine what we are willing to “give up” so that the relationship, not the individual, can “win”. This can be very challenging if a couple have opposing values in these areas, but it is not impossible! 

So let’s look at what can happen when a couple comes into therapy for help with their difficult conversations. What are the possible outcomes?

NOTHING CHANGES: Let’s start with the bad news. Simply put, change requires an action, not just an intention. Many couples truly want their relationships to improve, but then find themselves running into obstacles when they try to change their behavior. Those obstacles can come from inside or outside the individuals in a relationship, and can be so discouraging that the process is stopped before it even gets going. 

However, not all is lost when obstacles show up. They can be a sign that something is moving. Obstacles are often negative beliefs that individuals have carried for years, which they have brought into the relationship with them. Negative beliefs are shameful ways of thinking about ourselves that are either handed to us by others, institutions, or culture, or conclusions that we make about ourselves based on how the world responds to us. We are not always aware of them until they show up in relationships or when we are trying to embrace change. 

Regardless of why we resist action, without it nothing will change. This is why I want to be sure that a couple is willing to take action before working with them in therapy, because without that willingness, they will be disappointed by the lack of results and take that as a sign the relationship is hopeless and should end. 

BREAK-UP OR DIVORCE: While this is an option that many choose without coming into couple therapy, it is still an option even while working together with a therapist on your relationship. However, couples who choose to break-up or divorce after a course of couples therapy are more likely to be doing so for the right reasons, whereas most other couples end their relationships by mistake. 

There are two primary reasons that a couple will break-up in the course of doing couples therapy:

  1. They realize that they no longer (or perhaps never did) have shared values/goals/relationship dreams, making them a poor fit who would be better served moving on from one another.
  2. They find out that there is no longer any relationship to save.

As their therapist, I never make this decision for them–but I may ask questions about what I observe in the room. It is up to the couple do decide whether they want to stay together or not. One thing I always tell them is a phrase I got from my mentor, Dr. Walter Brakelmanns, who would tell couples “I will fight for your relationship until you give me a good reason not to.” 

Many couples break-up because of “incompatibility”. I am here to tell you that this concept is a myth! Incompatibility suggests that differences in interests divide couples, and yet the reality is that many couples have long and happy marriages while having wildly dissimilar interests. Rather, it is a wide difference in values that can signal a mismatch. 

Values signify what is important to us, and some examples are: having a family, living near parents, honesty, mutual respect, spirituality, loyalty, trustworthiness. We usually have 3-5 non-flexible values, but even those are subject to change over time, so finding someone whose values match yours is no guarantee for the long run, but it can’t hurt! Values conversations are just one more way of showing interest in your partner’s inner world, and how it may change over time. 

Though relationships work best when they share key values, it is not an automatic deal-breaker with they don’t. It all comes down to respect–and the willingness to be curious about each other rather than judgmental or critical. Values can change over time, but that does not mean that a relationship has to end–it can change too. 

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The second reason that couples might break-up in couples therapy is because they come to realize that the relationship is already dead. What lets us know this? Lack of interest. 

When I notice that one partner is sharing a painful emotion or event, and I see a lack of empathic response from the other partner, I start to worry about the relationship. Lack of response can show up for many reasons, but if it is happening because the person no longer cares about how their partner is suffering, then the relationship has lost its emotional connection. There is no relationship for me to save. This happens not because one partner is a cold, uncaring person, but because they no longer care about their partner’s inner life. This can happen for a number of reasons, and often happens over a period of time. 

This will present as a couple who come in because the relationship is still alive for one, but not for the other. This can be very painful, but it is even more painful to stay in with someone who no longer has interest in you. I think it is easier to survive a break-up than a bad marriage. These couples can still do work in couples therapy, but the focus shifts from connecting them to problem-solving–what do they need to figure out in order to move on from one another?

What makes a relationship lose its connection? Well, the main causes I see are unresolved resentments that have turned into contempt, breaches of trust that are seen as “unforgivable”, lack of mutual respect and understanding, and certainly undiagnosed mental illness, domestic violence, or substance abuse. The loss can occur over a long period of time or in response to a specific breach, but it is up to each individual to choose to work toward reconnection, otherwise the relationship will start to disconnect and die. 

Couples therapy can help couples to set aside blame and reflect on the role they each had in their relationship getting to this place, while also helping to create new understanding about each other’s actions, leading to greater understanding. This understanding it the beginning of empathy, rebuilt trust, and reconnection. 

DO THE WORK: To round out our exploration of the three outcomes of couples therapy, let’s look at the optimal outcome–doing the work! The reality is that this option is really the only thing that brings about change in a couples relationship. It does not matter how brilliant or skilled the therapist is, if the couple does not take the work home and into their interactions, nothing will change. 

So what is the work? Well, in my office I first get the couples’ agreement that I can do my job–which is to guide them to having more successful difficult conversations. Sometimes that means that I need to interrupt what they are trying to say–and that can be a challenge for some. The work in this instant is for the client to regulate themselves and “set aside” whatever feelings are coming up for them in the moment. This is harder than it sounds! But without this willingness, the conversation will be derailed and nothing will change. 

Secondly, the couple has to change what they are doing at home. This can entail a whole list of things, or perhaps just a couple adjustments, but without some action towards practicing the skills at home, again, nothing will change. Couples don’t have to turn the  whole house upside down–John Gottman says that it is more important that we do “small things often” as a way to keep the engine of relationship connection running on idle, rather than having to restart it each time we need to communicate. 

Another action that can help a great deal is when the individuals pursue their own work with an individual therapist. As we reveal the vulnerabilities that each partner brought into the relationship, it is up to each partner to attend to these rather than holding the other responsible for “fixing” them. Individual therapy can be a great adjunct to couples work so that in the couples session, the focus can be on the relationship instead of the individual. 

I get some pushback from couples when I tell them that there is work involved in having a healthy relationship. I can understand why. We are raised to believe that love does not take work–that it is some sort of magic glue that sustains itself, and that is absolutely not true unless you are speaking of the love a parent has for a child. Real love take effort to sustain, because it is effort that indicates caring and interest in another, not passivity. Real love is a verb, not a noun! It is caring in action. And when couples embrace that framing of effort, they see it as a romantic gesture rather than an obligation or duty. 

The bottom line is that it works. So do the work!

***

Anytime a person wants to improve or change their life, some action and effort is required, even if that action or effort is to do less. And for those who do not know what actions to take, it is considered wise to seek out an expert for guidance and support. This is what a couples therapist can offer, but a good therapist will also assess whether or not a couple is ready and willing to do the work, in the same way a personal trainer will evaluate your commitment to an exercise program. 

Therapists can guide your progress, but the couple has to start the engine, and this is why I present these three choices to every couple that comes into my office–I want to invite them to work as hard as I will to improve their relationship. 

Which choice will you choose? 

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WHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO (AND WHY THEY’RE WORTH IT!)

Have you ever spoken with someone who has just given birth? Often, you will hear them swear that they will never get pregnant again. But the reality is that most do repeat the experience–more than just once! Perhaps one reason for this is that the pain and suffering of giving birth and having an infant are temporary, with rewards that may increase as time goes on. We don’t mind a little suffering if there is a reward for it down the line!

So what is the story regarding relationships? 

Well, on paper they look amazing. We are drawn to them because they offer safety, security, acceptance, love, sex, family, community, meaning, and more. Like babies, we love them when we see them out in the world, but the reality of having one in your home 24/7 is a whole different story. 

And yet we keep seeking them out, and getting into them, only to find out that once we move through the limerence phase, they get difficult. Why do they become so difficult? Why can’t they continue to feel like floating on clouds? The answer to this is complex and differs somewhat from person to person, but I hope in this article to give you an understanding of the process that can cause distress but, when handled well, also lead to “real love”. 

WHAT WE DO WHEN THREATENED IS NATURAL, BUT IT ALSO CAUSES DISCONNECTION: Our brains are wired to scan the environment for threats–that is how we have survived over the years. As mammals, we have very few ways to protect ourselves from threats–no claws, no fangs, and soft bellies that are exposed dues to our upright stance. We are not even very fast or strong! So we evolved to have large brains to help us outwit predators and avoid dangerous situations. 

It worked pretty well until we got into “modern” relationships, where our “safe person” can also be our greatest threat at times. When this happens, our hunter-gatherer brains can’t tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat, and reacts by shutting down rational thought and activating our fight, flight, or freeze response. 

While this response protected us in the past, in modern relationships it creates a separation from our partner(s), due to the fact that when we are in this dysregulated state, we cannot learn or listen, and our primary goal is self-protection. The result is disconnection. Closeness, the feeling of being understood and cared for, is out of reach, and this is why our natural responses to threats generally do not work in relationship. This is an unfortunate state of affairs, since closeness is often reached by having difficult conversations or healthy conflict. 

VULNERABILITIES AND TRAUMA ARE TRIGGERED: Why does our defense system get triggered so strongly by our partners? Why does something that protects us from harm also create disconnection? This is not some cosmic joke on people who are in relationships. It is instead just an unexpected outcome of being in a modern form of relationship. Let’s look at what happens.

In our hunter-gatherer past, we were in relationship with many people, and our needs were spread among the group. Our safety, security, and sense of belonging was not reliant on just one person, but instead tied to many. Because of this, a conflict with one individual was likely less threatening–we did not feel as though we were in great danger. 

Today, the majority of our needs and wants, our requirements for safety and security, and our sense of belonging, are all tied to one primary partner. (To read more about this idea, please check out Esther Perel’s excellent article: Why Modern Love is So Damn Hard). A relational breach, even a small one, can present an enormous sense of threat to our stability and well-being. We can feel as though the conflict will leave us untethered to our anchor, to drift alone and unprotected.

What exactly is the source of this feeling of unsafety? Our vulnerabilities are exposed. Regardless of whether we are attacked, or doing the attacking ourselves, we become hyperaware of our vulnerabilities in the moment and move to protect them. This is one process that makes relationship so hard; in order to have healthy conflict that results in greater closeness, it is required that we talk about the vulnerability that has been triggered by another, so that other can then respond to us.

What we usually do instead of talking about what is coming up for us is criticize the other, which only pushes them away. And when we are criticized or attacked, instead of probing to find out what is underneath the anger, we often get defensive, essentially walling off our compassionate selves from our partner.  

This is compounded when there are negative memories in the past that we experienced as traumatic, because our instinct to attack and defend are heightened, and the trigger-wires for each is much shorter. Trauma also takes us out of the moment and back to the past event, making us unable to respond with interest, caring, and empathy. If we are unaware that trauma is even being triggered, guilt and shame can be added to the mix of negative emotions, further pulling us out of the conversation and away from our partner. 

***

The takeaway from this section is that when our vulnerabilities and traumas are triggered in relationship, if we don’t know how to talk about what we are feeling in the moment, any conversation with our partner, if we have one, is going to be much more difficult. 

YOU ARE DIFFERENT FROM YOUR PARTNER: The final aspect of relationship to be considered in this article is how our differences make being with someone harder. Why do differences create difficulty? Mostly because they do not show themselves in the beginning stage of a relationship! And if they do show up, our brain has a tendency to minimize them since its one goal is to bond with the other. 

The reality is that every partner you have will be different from you in both big and small ways. The challenge comes with deciding, once the differences show up, how to respond to them. There are three main ways of responding that I want to highlight in this article:

  1. Criticizing the difference by judging it.
  2. Saying nothing about how it bothers you and building up silent resentments.
  3. Showing curiosity about the difference, then deciding if that is something you can live with (accept). 

Only one of the above actually works to bring couples closer–can you guess which one? If you guessed #3, then you are correct! And yet this is the response that rarely gets practiced, and this is why differences, despite their inevitability, make relationships hard. 

Why are differences in our partners threatening to us? Our brains are wired to detect potential threats or dangers in the environment, and back in the hunter-gatherer days, someone who was “different” could be an enemy from another tribe or group. Noticing differences allowed us to assess our level of safety, letting us proceed with caution and keeping us from giving our trust to another prematurely. 

Our brain wiring has not changed as much as our culture and our way of being in relationship, so it is important to find a way to “bypass” our natural defenses at times when they are activated.  Otherwise we will seek to distance ourselves at the very moment when we need connection and closeness. Relationships are hard because our brains often tell us to do something that damages the connection. 

Understanding this is critical to making a choice against your natural instincts, and towards your relationship. 

***

So is there good news? Yes! The good news is that even though our brains work against our relationship goals sometimes, they also give us the ability to choose a healthier option. This takes practice and teamwork, and is dependent on the couples’ commitment to a mutually shared relationship vision. But it is doable. And in my opinion, the work is worth it. 

Relationships may be the hardest thing you will ever do, but the rewards, when you do the work together, are life-changing, liberating, and empowering. 

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CALM DOWN! THE IMPORTANCE OF REGULATION

My previous article talked about the “problems” that show up in relationships and how there is a difference between solvable and unsolvable problems. In both cases, the solution to finding out if the problem is a deal-breaker is to talk through it, with the goal being greater understanding. 

Understanding must come before solutions, because without understanding, problem-solving can miss the mark–addressing only the symptoms but not the cause. This can leave partners feeling resentful toward one another. Successful discussions about problems can eliminate resentments and bring couples closer. Additionally, they make it easier to accept, or learn to live with, differences. 

Why then is it so hard for couples to have these helpful conversations? Why do they more often resort to arguments and fights rather than healthy conflict? In this part two of my articles on problems I want to address what gets in the way of successfully talking through it. 

What I notice is that it is not lack of caring or desire that keep us from wanting to understand each other, instead it is our brain’s natural defenses. When our partner is upset with us, the brain senses a threat and reacts by limiting blood flow to the rational brain, or left brain; the result can be amygdala hijacking. We become less able to listen, learn, or care–focused instead on protecting ourselves from harm.  

This is on major reason why it is hard to have conversations around greater understanding. But all is not lost–the trick is to learn how to hijack the hijacking! Below I lay out what happens when our brains sense a threat from our partners, and how to reverse the process so that we can lean in and listen. 

TWO TYPES OF DYSREGULATION: What is dysregulation? Basically it is when your left brain, or rational brain, is deprived of oxygen and shut down, leaving your right brain, or emotional brain, to react and run the show. Dysregulation can go one of two directions–either up or down. When our response escalates quickly into agitation it is called hyper-arousal, and when it shuts down into numbness it is called hypo-arousal. You can think of it as your brain either stepping on the gas, or stepping on the brake, respectively.

It is not necessary to memorize these emotional states, but it is important to be able to recognize when they are happening in you or in your partner. This is because in either state, talking and listening cannot happen! When the left brain is shut down, we cannot listen, learn, or care about another–our main objective is to care about how we are being treated in the moment. 

Why do we become dysregulated? Though it can cause problems today, we would not have survived without this process. Dysregulation happens when our brain senses a threat, either real or imagined. Our left brain is “slower” than our right, and that is why we evolved to shut it down, because historically when facing danger, we had to act fast! Commonly known as our “freeze, fight, or flee” response, our amygdala evaluates the threat and decides in a split second which course of action is best for our survival. 

So how do we control this process in our relationships?

SELF-REGULATION: Although many of our brain processes are automatic, we do have some ability to control and influence them. The whole Mindfulness movement is one approach to doing this–and even Buddhist philosophy (from which Mindfulness emerged) talks about how we cannot control what happens, only our response to it. 

Modern life works against mindfulness by offering endless distractions to what is happening in the moment with us and in our environment. No wonder we feel more reactive than responsive! Responsiveness only happens when we are present in our bodies and in the moment–a skill that takes practice and intention. Responsiveness is the act of choosing what our brain does with what is happening, not just reacting to it. 

Responsiveness in relationships is practiced through regular self-regulation–being aware of what your brain is sensing and using your left brain to influence that interpretation to match reality. Self-regulation is difficult, but not impossible. It involves a few key steps:

  • recognizing when we are either up-regulating or down-regulating by noticing what happens in our bodies (increased heart rate, hot face, shaking, numbness)
  • using our mindfulness tools to interrupt the process and keep our left brain “online”: taking deep, slow breaths; grounding ourselves, drinking some water or chewing something, doing something with our hands
  • using the left brain to make a choice about how we are thinking about what is happening (responsiveness rather than reactivity)

Trauma can interfere with self-regulation because it can result in stuck painful memories that keep us in a heightened state of arousal, even when there is no current threat. If you suffer from trauma, there are several approaches that can help to process it so that painful events remain in your past and not in your present. 

Fortunately, we do not have to always self-regulate ourselves completely–we can ask for help. 

CO-REGULATION: You are 100% responsible for your actions and your reactions. This can be a difficult idea to accept, because it suggests that others have no responsibility for upsetting us, but the truth is that they don’t! They do, however, trigger us and our vulnerabilities, so they are not off the hook for their behavior, just our for our reaction. We are the ones who choose our response, based on how we think about what has happened. In other words, while the pain is inevitable, our suffering is optional because suffering is based on our interpretations, perceptions, and how we make meaning of things. 

Co-regulation is when another person helps you bring your left brain back online so that you can talk or be comforted. The challenge for many is that one of the best candidates for co-regulating us is the person who upset us in the first place. This is because co-regulating actions can be reparative, and also a “corrective experience” that is different from what we have received before. As a therapist, I often use co-regulation in the room to give clients an experience of caring that is new to them. This can be very healing!

Co-regulation is also an example of accountability–acknowledging that you played a role in what the other person is feeling. Remember that even though you didn’t cause it, you did trigger it! Often the triggering is unintentional–it is just partners being themselves. This is why it is so important to be curious about the other’s past hurts, soft spots, and vulnerabilities, because with this information you are less likely to trip on those trigger wires. Co-regulation lets someone know that you care about them and how they are affected by you. 

GOAL: THE WINDOW OF TOLERANCE: I mention above that regulation involves bringing the left brain back online. What does that mean? Our left brain (pre-frontal cortex) is the seat of rational thought, while our right brain (limbic system) is the source of our emotions. The left brain is “slower” than the right because it deals with interpretations while the right brain focuses on reactions, so when we get upset, our left brain is deprived of oxygen so that we can respond quickly and protect ourselves. 

This is great if we are facing a tiger in the woods, but not so great if we are facing an upset partner who needs to be responded to! In order to have healthy conflict we have to be able to keep both our right and left brains online so that they can work together. This does not mean that we have to be calm as a cucumber, instead we need to be able to feel what we feel and still talk about it. This is called the Window of Tolerance, and the size of the window is based on our past experiences. Trauma can shrink it and make it harder to stay regulated, but a caring response can enlarge the window. 

When we are able to talk to, and respond to, each other from within our respective windows of tolerance, then conflict can bring us closer by making the relationship safe for vulnerability.

HOW TO GET THERE AND STAY THERE: Getting to regulation takes work, but what kind of work? Ultimately if you want to get somewhere new you first have to first know where you are. This is where mindfulness comes in–it is the ability to have awareness of our emotional life so that we can be in relationship with it and exert influence when needed. 

Remember that dysregulation is the brain/body responding to a real or imagined threat, so it is up to our rational brain to distinguish between the two. The left brain can be thought of as the “navigator” of our emotions–the right brain chooses a course and the left brain decides if that is a good course to pursue. But we can’t access the aid of the left brain if the blood supply is cut off from it! Mindfulness of what we are feeling in our body can help us to notice if we are moving toward dysregulation–and then interrupt it if we don’t really need that level of response.

Many experts recommend meditation as a way to increase mindfulness, but we can also work on it by minimizing distractions, slowing down our conversations, using breathwork, and “unplugging” at the end of the day.  In relationships, we can ask our partner to help us out, by allowing them to comment when they notice us getting dysregulated. This can be as simple as agreeing on a “code word” or hand gesture, so that the comment itself does not trigger greater upset. 

Once you have experienced choosing your response, and the connection it fosters, it is hard to go back to reactivity! Fortunately, doing this work regularly also lessens the need to become dysregulated during conflict–we are strengthening the safety of our relationship, and our brain recognizes this. A safe and trusting relationship gives your brain the message that it does not need to “panic” when there is conflict.

Maintaining our emotional regulation requires good self-care and supportive relationships. But you also have to want it. If you feel that your life and relationship(s) would benefit from a calmer response, if you think that by being present you could make choices that lead you to the life you want to live, then set your goal on regulation as a step in that direction. Living your life means feeling it, not letting it drag you around. Being regulated shows that you are ready to do that as a functional, responsive adult!

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HOW TO STOP BLAME

I wish that blame worked–I really do. It would be so nice to just point the finger at another person and make them responsible for all our problems and woes, wouldn’t it? I find it interesting that blame is the basic premise of many religions and most politics, and yet if you look into it carefully you will find that it does not really accomplish anything, other than making people feel badly about themselves. Blaming another is like pushing the dirt around the house–it moves the problem around but does not get rid of it.

So why do so many couples continue to use blame when difficulties come up in a relationship? Why do we continue to rely on something that so clearly does not work? 

In order to answer these questions we need to look to the brain and understand how it works to keep us safe in the world. If we can understand more about why we engage in behaviors that do not work, then we have a chance of stopping them and making new choices. But first we have to explore why we blame in the first place…

WHY WE BLAME: We often feel threatened when our partner is upset with us. Their upset sends a message to our brain that something is wrong and that we need to protect ourselves. But do we? The reality is that in any relationship partners will get upset with one another. The helpful response when this happens, which I often have to teach couples, is to show interest in what is bothering the other, curiosity at what role, if any, we have played in generating the upset, and empathy towards their feelings. 

What we usually do instead is defend against what they are telling us, or counter-attack to negate their right to be upset at us. Naturally, neither of those responses work, and yet couples do them all the time! They do them because they do work in one way: they create distance between us and the person who is upset with us. 

This is what couples need to know about the brain–it seeks to protect itself from threats. When it detects them, it often activates the amygdala, an almond-shaped part of the brain within the temporal lobe, that among other tasks is in charge of deciding what to do when we are threatened. The amygdala has three responses to choose from: fight, flee, or freeze, and you don’t need me to tell you how these don’t work during conflict!

Blaming the other for our upset, or as a response to one’s upset, is a way to protect ourselves. This is why we do it. 

WHY BLAME DOES NOT WORK: The problem is that blaming the other does not work. And the reason it does not work is because it creates distance from our partner, when closeness is what is needed when we are upset. (Conflict is one of the most important elements in healthy relationships, because when done well it results in greater closeness.) Closeness heals emotional wounds, while distance just covers them up. 

Blame does more than just create distance, however. It can also cause the internalization of shame. When we blame someone for something, we are making them the cause of it, not just the trigger. And when someone feels as though they caused harm to a loved one, they naturally feel bad–but when blamed they feel badly about themselves rather than the behavior.

When blamed, we internalize the shame of behaving poorly and this gets in the way of repairing the damage–in fact the opposite usually happens where we avoid repair. Our goal at this time is to distance ourselves in any way from the bad feelings we have for ourselves. 

Additionally this pattern of blame creates and strengthens unhealthy boundaries in the relationship, where we either make the other responsible for what we feel, or take responsibility for another’s feelings. Either version leads to resentment and guilt. 

DO THIS INSTEAD–BE ACCOUNTABLE: What’s the difference between blame and accountability? Sometimes small adjustments in our way of thinking about things can result in big changes in how we live. Fortunately, the distinction between blame and accountability is in how we think about responsibility in our minds. Let’s look at the difference.

Accountability inspires action, blame inspires denial and shame. This is because accountability is about one’s behavior, while blame is about one’s character. Accountability works with what you can control (what you do or say), while blame assumes that you cannot change who you are. Accountability is looking for a description of how things came to be, while blame is looking for a cause of why things happened. 

When the focus is on description, we have a chance of understanding the underlying factors in our behavior and choices, whereas when we are made the cause, the exploration hits a dead end. If you are labeled “bad”, there is little that can be done–this is why blame is useless if your goal is change. We all behave badly at times, but that does not make us a bad person any more than good behavior makes us “good”. We are complex beings who behave in a variety of ways for a variety of reasons, and if we want to have some choice in how we behave then it helps to look deeper, even if that is painful. 

Accountability works in relationship because it keeps the focus on our own behavior (what we can control) rather than our partner’s (what we can’t control). It allows us the chance to regularly check in with our values and see if our behavior is aligned with them. And finally, since accountability avoids shame, we stand a better chance at repairing the situation with the person who was hurt by our behavior. When you feel badly about yourself you avoid repair. When you feel badly about your behavior you seek it out.

***

There is an old saying that whenever you find yourself pointing your finger at another person, turn it back around toward yourself. There is good intention in that saying, but it is misguided in that you want to avoid blaming yourself as much as others. Instead, when you point the finger at yourself, think of it as turning blame around. Ask yourself, “What was my contribution to the problem?”, and “What was the effect of my actions?”

Questions like these will go a long way toward changing the way we think about behavior that hurts another, and a long way toward how we think about repair. And as your way of thinking and your behavior changes, you might just start to notice that conflicts with a loved one result in both a better feeling about yourself, and feeling closer to each other. Instead of you both losing when blame is assigned, accountability offers you both a win-win. 

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THE BEST GIFTS YOU CAN GIVE

During the holidays, it is typical to give gifts to people we love. This can include partners in an intimate relationship or marriage, of course. Many times I have heard clients say to me, “I don’t know what to give my wife/husband/partner!” This statement always makes me sad, because I wonder why we don’t know what gift(s) our partner would love to get! How can we not know what makes one another feel joy?

This being said, I also understand the amount of pressure that many feel to “get it right” when it comes to gifts. Rather than being an expression of generosity and love, gifts sometimes are a testing ground for the level of commitment one has in the relationship. Good grief! No wonder anxiety, for many people, spikes during the holidays!

This is why I wanted to write about gifts that rarely disappoint–gifts that offer what is universally desired and wanted, regardless of culture, age, or race. They are gifts that can ensure that all other presents are received with gratitude and appreciation, because the act of gift-giving will no longer be a litmus test for how well one is loved or known.

What are these gifts? Read on…

THE GIFTS THAT NEED NO WRAPPING PAPER: Despite our technological advancement, we are still mammals who require caring in order to thrive. Unfortunately, we live in an economy that convinces us we only need products. If that were true, why is anxiety at such high levels, given that many of us can get any product we want at any time?

What I notice is that many people use products to counteract isolation, loneliness, insecurity, and stress. This works in the short run, but rarely has a lasting effect. But I can understand the appeal when person-to-person caring is either not available or not offered, even when one is in a relationship.

If genuine caring is what we really need to thrive, then what are the key elements? Let’s look at four that are important in any loving relationship.

NURTURING: Nurturing is easier than most of us think. It requires more that we simply show up and less that we try to do something.  If you think that nurturing means “making someone feel better”, then allow me to suggest an alternative meaning. When we are upset, it is often very hard to feel better, and thinking that we should feel better can make it even worse. Nurturing is not about making someone feel better. Rather, it can be thought of as a way of being present with someone in pain. Not doing anything, just being there. And when someone is in pain, usually the most helpful way to be there is to say, “I am here with you.” 

This five-word phrase is what we most want and need to hear when we are hurting and feeling all alone and misunderstood, because it does not require that we be or do anything in return. It does not force us to justify our pain or take care of someone who is caring for us; instead it just lets us know that we are not alone in our pain, and that can be very comforting. It is a way to show your trust in another’s emotional intelligence, while showing them that they can trust you to handle what they are feeling. Nurturing is comfort, in the form of presence. “I am here.” 

EMPATHY/UNDERSTANDING: Empathy is related to nurturing, but it is not the same thing. It is part of the process though, in that it is what can come from being with someone in their pain–empathy is the experience of feeling, on some level, what the other is feeling. Not just understanding it, but actually feeling it, and holding it. It is the process of seeing the problem from the others’ perspective so that we can understand why they are in pain. This understanding gives us the best chance of responding in a way that actually does relieve pain.

I have seen countless couples upset with one another because well-meaning efforts to comfort their partner and respond to their pain land with a thud. This is not because they don’t love their partner, but because they don’t fully understand what the pain is about–in order to relieve hurting we have to know how and why someone is hurting! The how is found out through an empathetic connection, and the why is uncovered by the understanding that comes from empathy. To be on the receiving end of this is nothing short of the greatest experience of being loved.

INTEREST: The type of interest I am talking about is not the kind you get from your bank, where you get a return on your investment. It is instead the opposite kind of interest–it is a way to invest in your relationship in order to get a return. What is that return? It can be boundless regarding what you get from your partner and what they get from you. The power of interest is that it is the action-based expression of love. It is well and good to tell someone that you love them, but it is an entirely different thing to show it in such a way that they feel loved. 

Many couples talk about their “love languages“, and certainly these are good to know about in yourself and in each other.  But the truth is that we don’t always express or respond to just one love language, so even if you know them you can miss the mark with your partner–this is where interest fills in the gaps! Interest is fueled by your genuine and caring curiosity about your partner: what makes them tick? What brings joy to their lives? What upsets them? What is their favorite and worst part of themselves? What are their vulnerabilities?

Interest is the means to this end: making sure that your partner feels truly loved by you, not just for what you like or what you see, but for who they are. (To read my previous full post about Interest, please click HERE.)

RESPECT: I saved this one for last, because it is possibly the most important element in caring–you could say that it is the tent-pole element under which all other elements fall–if you respect your partner and their inner world, then nurturing, empathy, understanding,  and interest will more naturally follow.

What is respect? In the simplest terms, it is act of honoring another’s differences as valid. Respect does not require that we agree with or even like another’s differences, but it does require that we recognize and appreciate them as part of our beloved. Why would we do this? Because this is what real love is–caring about another’s well-being not because they are exactly like us or because they make us feel good or sexy, but because their well-being is important to us! This process is ignited by the initial bonding process, but it is cemented into being over time, as the bonding becomes attune-ment.

Respect leads you to real love.. It is not co-dependent to feel joy when you make your partner truly happy, and sometimes this requires catering to differences we don’t easily understand. Interest can help foster respect for the ways you and your partner diverge. We often find that the differences are not so different at all–that they are tied to shared needs and values. Certainly there are real and perceived threats that work against this understanding, but if partners allow their interactions, responses, and agreements to be guided by respect, then those threats will not present any real challenge to the relationship.

Respect, in action, will discourage sarcasm, needling, taking things personally, and misunderstanding, and will mutually encourage and strengthen all the elements of caring.

***

The elements described above need to be intentional choices, because our brain is wired to be biased toward suspicion and threats (even if they are not real), and this is where couples often need help in choosing. As a couples therapist, I help couples (and individuals) understand the benefits of taking a stand against threats. It can be very hard to set aside our self-protection in relationship, but by regularly making this choice, and having a partner who can then respond accordingly, we can choose nurturing, empathy/understanding, interest, and respect more often. It becomes easier, the threats feel less threatening, the connection becomes stronger, and the rewards become greater!

These are the best expressions of love we can give to one another during the holidays, and all throughout the year, and they don’t require any wrapping. Or perhaps a better way of putting it is that couples therapy is the wrapping paper for these gifts. This is the best gift you can give to one another–it is a way to say this relationship matters to me, it matters enough to work on, and I want to work on it with you.

Who wouldn’t want to receive that gift?

 

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ULTIMATUMS DON’T WORK–DO THIS INSTEAD

You’ll know you are doing it right if you get a smile!

As a general rule, we don’t like uncertainties–they challenge our sense of security. But uncertainties are a part of life, so the more we try to avoid them, the less prepared we are for when they inevitably show up. In the martial arts, practice is done with the hope that the skills will never have to be used; it is the knowledge that you have the skills and are prepared to use them that help you to face the world and its various threats with confidence instead of fear.

What this means regarding relationships is that it is more effective to concentrate on our response to people than to focus on changing them–the former is within your power while the latter is not. And if you have the skills for responding well to others, then you might just see any potential threat as less of one.

One of these skills is knowing what to do instead of giving ultimatums, because ultimatums never work! At least they never do if you want to get closer to the person you are giving them to–in fact they result in the opposite of closeness. Yet I notice that people love giving them, and they still expect them to work. Why is this? Why do we love ultimatums? And if they don’t work, what should we do instead?

WHAT IS AN ULTIMATUM, REALLY? Let’s look at what an ultimatum is. I define ultimatums using what I have learned and read combined with my experience, and what it comes down to is this: an ultimatum is a demand for behavioral change. If you have been reading my posts regularly or are a client of mine, you will remember that demands never work! They don’t work because they are forcing someone to do something against their will–so while you might get compliance in the short term, you will get rebellion and resentment in the long term.

Examples of ultimatums are:

  1. Don’t EVER do that again!
  2. You better stop doing that!
  3. I will leave you if you do that to me again!

If you have ever said anything similar to the above examples, or heard them from your partner, it can be an indication of a lack of differentiation, or a lack of self-defining in the relationship, according to Dr. Ellyn Bader, co-founder of The Couples Institute. While this sounds serious, it is fairly common in that our needs as individuals are often not attended to during key developmental stages. Many times clients will not even be able to tell me what they want! When this happens, how can we even access our needs to communicate them? This often causes ultimatums to become the default response when we feel distressed in our relationship.

WHY DON’T THEY WORK? Ultimatums are a shortcut to getting what you need, without actually asking for what you need. This is why they don’t work–the receiver doesn’t know what you really want, they just know what behavior you want them to stop without knowing why. This information alone is rarely enough motivation to change our behavior. The best motivation to change behavior is having an empathic connection to the person who is upset–an emotional understanding of what gets triggered in them when you behave that way or say those words.

It isn’t the behavior that is necessarily wrong, in fact most of the time it is not done with bad intentions, it is just what the person is doing. The problem happens when their partner feels triggered by that behavior–but this is only a problem if neither partner knows what to do in this situation. The natural reaction is to protect oneself–but that results in disconnection. What works is counter-intuitive, but it results in connection, understanding, and closeness.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: If ultimatums don’t work, what does? It is important to remember that we cannot actually change anyone, but we can influence them! So talking about how you feel followed by what you need works because it has the best chance of influencing the listener by engaging their empathy for your distress.

Let’s use the previous three examples and change them from ultimatums to empathy-generating statements:

  1. Don’t EVER do that again! becomes: When you do that, I no longer feel safe in this relationship and that makes me feel sad and also angry at you.
  2. You better stop doing that! becomes: I cannot live with this behavior because of how triggered I get. Will you please to stop doing that? (This example includes a request–a tool that also works when in conflict)
  3. I will leave you if you do that to me again! becomes: If this happens again, I will have to re-think being in this relationship because it is makes me feel badly about both you and me.

The third example shows what a boundary looks like. A boundary is different than an ultimatum in that a boundary is about you, whereas an ultimatum is about the other. Letting someone know what you can and cannot live with is important information for them to know (and for you to know as well!). A boundary draws a line and then lets the chips fall where they may–leaving the other the willful choice to adjust their behavior or not–this is also information you need to know in order to make decisions about the relationship!

So what works instead of ultimatums is to:

  • Notice what feeling or threat the others’ behavior is triggering in us
  • Letting the other know this information without being critical of their behavior
  • Making a request for them to stop the threatening behavior after clarifying why it feels threatening.

***
The reason we give ultimatums is often because we don’t trust that others care enough for us to adjust their behavior. This distrust can be rooted in past betrayals and abandonments, but it surfaces in our current relationships, even when the triggering behavior is the opposite of betrayal or abandonment! This is why it is critical to know your trigger points–these can be identified and explored in individual work. With this knowledge, you have a better chance to regulate yourself down when you get triggered and communicate what you need–recognizing that what you are feeling is more about you than about what the other is doing.

The takeaways on this topic can be summarized in the statements below. Feel free to put them on an index card or in your phone to refer to when needed:

  1. Our partners do not cause feelings in us, they can only trigger them.
  2. We cannot change our partners, but we can influence them.
  3. It is always better to respond than it is to react. (Response requires both the right AND left brains, while reactions come primarily from the right brain.)

In my practice I help couples practice these new skills, because they are the opposite of what we want to do and have learned to do. Many good relationships are ended unnecessarily because the partners don’t have these skills to use during conflict. If you have trouble implementing them yourself, a trained couples therapist can help you out.

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WHEN IS ANGER OKAY?

We turn away to protect ourselves

It’s not a surprise that many of the couples I see in my practice come in angry with each other. I am always glad they they came in, because anger, if not properly expressed, can ruin a relationship. My job is to reach the feelings underneath the anger, and help each partner be vulnerable enough to share these with the other, giving them an opportunity to respond in a way that connects them.

This is not easy. However, it is the best way I know to avoid ending a relationship that does not need to end–a relationship that may have several wonderful things going for it!

Let’s face it–we all get angry at times. Anger is not the enemy, but the reality I see is that few people actually feel genuine anger and express it at the time they are feeling it. Instead, they find themselves acting out of aggression or rage, both of which are behaviors and not feelings, according to Anita Avedian, LMFT, author of Anger Management Essentials. These behaviors are also, unfortunately, destructive and sometimes deadly.

So what do we do? Well, the first step is recognizing what anger is, and what it isn’t, and looking at which you are doing in your relationship(s). The next step is learning and practicing expressing healthy anger, while acting to stop aggression and rage before they ever get going. This can take weeks of work, but I am happy to share the basics with you in this article. So when is anger okay?

THIS IS NOT ANGER: Anger is an emotion that is not valued properly. Healthy anger is basically about letting someone know that something is not right, because you are feeling upset with them. For the receiver, this is good to know! But what often happens is that we equate anger with aggression, which is not a feeling at all, as I mentioned above, but instead a behavior.

Avedian writes that aggression is “an abusive was of behaving verbally, emotionally or physically”. Sound familiar? I see this in the world and in relationships everyday. The reason this is not anger is because anger’s intention is to let someone know important information about your boundaries and triggers. Aggression, however, has no intention of letting anyone know anything–the goal of aggression is to hurt the other person.

Rage is another behavior that can, according to Avedian, result even in death. “Rage”, she writes, “is a response to a threat to pride, status, or dignity.” Its intention is to “control or silence the other”. When you read about a murder/suicide, it is most likely the result of rage. Both aggression and rage occur because we are too often discouraged from feeling anger, as though the feeling itself is the problem instead of what triggered it.

THIS IS ANGER: So how do we feel and express anger in way that is healthy to both us and the receiver? First of all, we have to even know that it is there–we need to be tuned in to our emotional world enough to know when we are feeling upset about something. Our bodies help us to do this. When I get upset, I notice my heart rate increasing, my face getting flushed, my attention sharpening. Noticing what happens in your body will help you to recognize anger before it turns into aggression or rage. As Avedian says, anger is “a signal, or alarm, that something is not right, that we don’t feel okay about what we’re observing.”

When you notice feeling upset about something that someone is doing, the best way to express this upset is to use an emotion tied to a person and an event. It might look like this: “I am hurt that you didn’t return my phone call for two days.” Why is this okay? Because there is no judgement in the statement about what the other person was thinking or doing–the statement just includes what happened (the call was not returned for two days). While this approach won’t guarantee that the receiver won’t get defensive, it has the best chance of being responded to in a caring way. That is healthy anger, and when expressed well it can lead to positive change.

***

We get angry at people we love–it is part of being human and in relationship. In my experience working with couples and individuals, I observe that most anger comes from feeling not understood, disrespected, or not cared about. Anger in these cases is a notice to the other that something is lacking, NOT a notice that they are necessarily doing anything wrong. Most couples never intend to hurt their partners, but sometimes we do. If the hurt is expressed in a healthy way, we can respond to it in a way that increases connection, safety, and trust. This is why anger is not a bad thing.

If you want to practice this in your relationships, use these tips:

  1. Start paying attention to the messages your body sends you when you get upset.
  2. Address the anger as soon as possible instead of letting it smolder.
  3. Talk about what you are feeling, not what you think the other is feeling.
  4. Turn any statement you have about the other into a question for them to answer.
  5. Show curiosity about their intentions instead of assuming that you know what they are.

If you are mindful to practice the above steps, you may see a shift in how you feel about both conflict and your loved ones. You will learn that at times, anger is okay!

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WHEN YOU CAN’T TALK TO EACH OTHER

There are alternatives to the stalemate.

In many couples, during conflict there is one who wants to settle things right away and one who needs time to “cool down”. Who gets their way? Well, in my work it is never about “who wins”, but instead what is best for the relationship of two people. That often requires both sides giving up a bit of what they want for the good of the whole. Easier said that done when emotions, and defenses, are high.

Traditionally, women are the pursuers in relationships and men are the withdrawers. Women often want to talk about how they feel, men prefer to solve problems. The difficulty with this is that those are two different conversations with completely opposite sets of rules, so no wonder problems get swept under the rug until the next blowup. (Hint: There is no such things as reality when you are talking about feelings. We feel what we feel despite what is or is not going on in the outside world.)

In this article I will share an alternative to the stalemate, a way around the impasse that is actually more–it is an approach that can bring couples closer even when in conflict. Because let’s face it–there are times when you should NOT talk to each other! Let’s talk a look at what is behind one person needing to talk, and the other not wanting to…

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN ONE NEEDS TO TALK NOW: Generally when we talk it is because we have something we need to communicate to another. At times this need to communicate is more urgent, especially if we are communicating our response to a real or perceived threat. What is the purpose of communication under these circumstances? Mostly, when we need to talk urgently in response to a threat it is for the purpose of letting someone know that someone is not right. This is how we express healthy anger–we let someone know we are upset.

The problem is that most people don’t do this–what they do instead is attack the other or defend against them. Attack often includes criticism: a statement that includes a judgement and often a demand. This does work if your purpose is to push the other away or threaten them in return–but it does not work if we want them to care about why we are upset and respond to our concerns.

The latter requires that we refrain from attack and instead share our upset—talk about what is going on with us in the moment. Needing to talk right away signals that something is wrong to us and we need to let the other know what that is and how it makes us feel. But in order to do that successfully we have to trust that our vulnerability will be received with caring and curiosity–elements often in short supply even in loving relationships. We will explore what that looks like in the third section of this article, but let’s first examine when someone does not want to talk.

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN ONE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK UNTIL LATER: You might be with a partner who “shuts down” when there is conflict between you. I notice in my practice that in many relationships there is one who wants to talk immediately and one who wants to wait until they have a chance to “process” their feelings. Who is right?

Both are! Every individual has their own way of responding to conflict, and this usually includes not just forming a response but also how to protect ourselves if we feel attacked. For those who need to talk about it immediately, this is their way to feel safe–they have to resolve it right away! For them, waiting is often torture and more painful than the original conflict. It triggers feelings of unimportance and insecurity.

For those who want to wait before talking, the goal is the same–to feel safe, but they do this by creating some distance from the conflict and the attack. For them, the conflict itself is the most painful event, often because it triggers feeling out of control, judged, and criticized–another way of feeling in danger. Time and space give these partners a chance to regulate their agitation and form their response without feeling as though they have a knife at their throats.

As an example, I used to suffer from hypo-arousal during conflict, and the result was that my physical body literally shut down–I couldn’t talk and would feel like I was in a state of partial paralysis. Whoever I was with didn’t know how to respond to this because it appeared as though I had just decided to leave my body. They were right! To continue the conversation would have required me to remain in a disregulated state–and that was too dangerous for me. A greater understanding of this state made a huge difference in my responses.

It is important to understand that just because someone does not want to talk right away, this does not mean that they don’t care about you!

HOW TO MEET IN THE MIDDLE SO BOTH BENEFIT: There is no true meeting in the middle, but there is a place where you hold onto what is important to you while leaning into what is important to your partner. Whether it is in the middle or not is irrelevant, that it happens is more important, because this is an example of what the Gottmans call “leaning into the relationship“, and it results in connection, trust, and security.

Since most couples consist of a partner who wants to talk right away and a partner who wants to process first, how do you lean into each other during conflict? Well, as I said earlier, you may have to wait no matter how badly you want to talk, because if one of you is dis-regulated then talking will likely not go well. However, this does not mean that the one who wants to talk has to suffer and wait. Here are some steps of what to do:

  1. If either of you are disregulated (either hyper or hypo-aroused, left brain shut down) then wait–the experts suggest 20-30 minutes to allow for regulation.
  2. Even in a state of dis-regulation, we have the ability to be respectful and give our partner a time when we will be available to talk or listen. Don’t leave the other hanging! Let them know when you can talk: “It sounds like you really want to talk about what happened. Please give me 20 minutes and then we can check in about discussing it.” You are allowed to revise your timeline, but a timeline must be given as it is respectful and caring for the one who is waiting (and respectful to the relationship!).
  3. When you come together to talk, decide who will be the talker and who will be the listener so that you aren’t competing for roles. You can switch later, but it is important that whoever is talking be given the opportunity to fully express themself. (Hint: The talker is usually the one who was upset in the first place.)
  4. Don’t reality test! This is one sure way to derail a productive talk since in the “land of feelings” there is no reality. We feel what we feel, whether it is what the other feels or not, and if we don’t get the “details” correct, well, that is not as important as hearing about the feelings that go with what happened. You don’t have to agree with what the other feels, but you do have to accept it as their perceptual truth! If you are the listener, focus on what the other is feeling and less so on the accuracy of any details. It is never about the details, and always about what they feel.
  5. Agree ahead of time to act as a team. Make an agreement that you both will stop if things are getting “out of hand”, and make sure that the agreement includes talking about it at a later time when you are both calmer. If you act as a team, you will treat the problem as the problem rather than your partner as the problem! Additionally, as individuals, it is crucial to practice self-regulation so that we don’t make our partner responsible for what we are feeling.

The main take-away it that sometimes in order to resolve conflict, we need to acknowledge the differences between us and our partner. Forcing them to do it “our way” will only increase the disconnection and push-away. Remember, it is not about winning, it is about caring, and the greatest form of caring is interest in your partner. In conflict, that sometimes means accepting that they cannot talk right now. But they will. And evidence of that over time will reduce the urgency to talk before both are ready, and make the conversations you eventually have more connective!